I, like many 2000s kids, grew up on the Spy Kids franchise, which told the story of two seemingly ordinary kids who must rescue their parents after learning that their mom and dad are super spies. The Spy Kids franchise is known for many things: making kids think you could cook a Big Mac in a microwave, Emily Osment’s helicopter pigtails, and a third film that was in 3D (for some reason). Everyone thought after 2011’s questionable outing for a fourth Spy Kids film, the franchise would be laid to rest for a bit.
However, Hollywood can’t help themselves and must reboot everything.
Netflix recently premiered Spy Kids: Armageddon, the technical fifth movie in the Spy Kids universe, despite not having any of the original actors in it. The original Spy Kids premiered in 2001 and starred the endlessly charming Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino (a.k.a. two of the hottest people alive) as the parents. The film opens with the parents’ backstory, told as a bedtime story to their kids. Banderas and Gugino were two rival spies who disavowed their beliefs in order to follow true love. Their five-minute love story that starts the film deserves a separate movie all on its own, but thankfully, we get to see the pair be incredibly in love for the full two-hour duration.
I mean, can we talk about the chemistry? There hasn’t been a parent couple this horny since Gomez and Morticia Addams. Unfortunately, the parents in Spy Kids: Armageddon are played by Gina Rodriguez and Zachary Levi. I have a hard time finding Rodriguez and Levi as convincing parental figures because they have zero chemistry with each other and even less of an emotional connection to their kids.
Spy Kids: Armageddon is about two kids trying to stop a video game developer from taking over the world. It would be an original concept … if it wasn’t the basis of Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. However, while the idea of rebooting an original movie franchise isn’t new, the re-casting of the original Spy Kids parents puts a particular thorn in my side.
Then there’s the problematic history of both actors to consider. Levi’s anti-vaxxer tendencies and Rodriguez’s past use of the N-word are yikes-worthy. And when they’re onscreen, the pair act like strangers who just met versus a full-fledged couple who love one another, had two kids, and would literally die for one another.
While the franchise is called Spy Kids, for me, the family dynamic is a huge part of the franchise’s appeal. Banderas and Gugino were effortlessly charismatic and overprotective in a way that Levi and Rodriguez could only hope to achieve. And trust me, they absolutely didn’t achieve it.
Here’s hoping we get to see our real spy parents back on screen sooner rather than later.
(featured image: Robert Rodriguez/Netflix)
