So you want to watch all of One Piece? Would you like to be buried now, or should we collect your corpse halfway through the Enies Lobby Arc?
You don’t seem to understand. Let me explain: If you attempt to watch the entirety of One Piece, you are going to die of old age. I’ve seen it happen countless times. Everyone thinks that they’ll be the one to complete the series, and next thing you know we’re putting a tag on their big toe and shipping them off to the morgue. “There can’t be that many seasons,” people say. “Surely Luffy will find the One Piece sooner or later, right?” Oh, you poor misguided fool. You should know that Luffy isn’t even in this race for the One Piece. He’s in it for the friends he makes along the way.
For Monkey D. Luffy, the real treasure isn’t whatever trinket lies at the end of the Grand Line; the real treasure is the journey. And so, manipulative little bastard that he is, he’s gonna reel you in with promises of riches and glory and then have you watching him contort his stretchy little body as he springs into battle after needless battle. Why doesn’t he just sail around half of the pirates that faces? Why doesn’t he just wind up into a little spring and sproing away into the sunset? Because the little bastard wants you to watch. And in case you’re wondering, it doesn’t matter that the series doesn’t actually take 70 years to watch. It will take such a toll on your body and mind that you will AGE 70 years in the span of a few short months. Monkey D. Luffy will suck you dry, energized for his next big time-waster. And some other poor sap is gonna watch it. And so the cycle continues.
But if I can’t change your mind, and if you REALLY want to give your life over to the search for a treasure that may not even exist in the first place, then I won’t stop you. Here’s all the places that you can watch One Piece. But be warned, it’s the last show you’ll ever see.
Uh, so where can I watch One Piece?
You can watch all 14 seasons and counting on Funimation, as well as on Crunchyroll and Netflix. If you’re really a glutton for punishment, you can watch the show on Hulu—just know that all of those commercials will age you twice as fast. Mind you, I’m not saying that One Piece will steal your soul because it’s bad. To the contrary, I’m saying One Piece will steal your soul because it’s GOOD. SO good that real life will feel like a dismal dream, and you will succumb to the sunshiney joys of the wide blue ocean, and slip into it for all eternity.
(featured image: Toei Animation)
