TikTok—I wanna get famous on a Tuesday.
It’s the perfect day to do it. Why? Because nothing happens on Tuesday.
Monday is the start of the week and I can’t be bothered, no one can. Friday I’m using my government phone and that’s illegal (gov’t ain’t gonna get me). Saturday I’ll be in Montana and they wanna ban TikTok (again, gov’t ain’t gonna get me). Sunday is the Lord’s Day and verily I must not enfeeble my immortal soul with the sin of pride, and TikTok enables that pride. And Wednesday is for frogs—this is a well-known internet fact—and I need to hold space for the frogs. Thursday is also the Lord’s Day, but in this case, I’m referring to Thor: Norse God of Thunder.
Tuesday is my only option. And I need YOU to make it work.
Like, if I’m going to be vapidly chewing gum and throwing it around to “Speed Drive” by Charli XCX on a Tuesday night, I honestly deserve it. Tuesday is a SCHOOL NIGHT, and while I don’t technically have school the next day I feel like I should be holding space for all the people who do. I SHOULD be observing a moment of silence for those unfortunates suffering in the American education system. But no, I have to put in WORK that night. The least you could do is blow me up online in return.
HOW can you blow me up? Allow me to use a metaphor. TIKTOK IF YOU ARE THE BIBLE BELT HIGHWAY, MAKE ME THE “GOT JESUS?” BILLBOARD ON THE SIDE OF THAT HIGHWAY. PLASTER MY FACE ALL OVER YOUR DIGITAL COUNTRY ROADS, TAKE ME HOME. YES TIKTOK, TAKE ME TO EVERY HOME IN AMERICA. ELECTRONICALLY.
According to this here website , the best times to post on TikTok on Tuesdays are 2 a.m., 4 a.m., and 9 p.m. Wow. Late night. Again, school night. WTF TikTok? I mean it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll be awake. Apparently, people wake up in the middle of the night and watch TikToks. I don’t do that. I never shut my eyes to begin with. If I never stop watching TikToks at night then I don’t have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night to watch TikTok because I’m ALREADY on TikTok. It’s more efficient that way.
What kind of video am I going to make? Oh, TikTok I’m so glad you asked! I’ve been seeing folks blow up by pretending to be NPCs, showing off fashion looks, or literally just by filming themselves sleeping. So I’m going to do ALL THREE AT ONCE. I will pretend to be an NPC (an extremely WELL DRESSED NPC) who is taking a little in-game nap, only to awaken with a “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE” when the main character walks in and starts breaking my stuff to find money. IT’S MY HARD-EARNED DIGITAL MONEY DAMMIT.
And I deserve every penny of it, just like I deserve fame and fortune.
(featured image: Getty)
