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There are Now The Handmaid’s Tale Wines, Because You Need It to Get Through the Show

May the Lord open your bottle

The Handmaid's Tale stars Elisabeth Moss as June and Alexis Bledel as Emily

Well, in terms of product placement, this sure beats the lingerie called “Offred,” right?

Knowing full well how much alcohol the audience needs to survive each brutal episode, wine curator Lot18 has debuted three Handmaid’s Tale inspired wines. Lot18 also has some The Walking Dead, Outlander, Lord of the Rings, and other TV and movie inspired wines, so it’s not entirely out there, but really? Do we really need this?

Lot18 released three Handmaid's Tale inspired wines, named after Offred, Ofglen, and Serena Joy

The descriptions for the wines are even more lowkey troublesome when you consider the context of the characters and the show. Take a look below:

  • Serena Joy Bordeaux Blanc: Sophisticated, traditional and austere describe this formidable white Bordeaux, inspired by Serena Joy. While the wine may initially come off as restrained, a few sips reveal it to be hiding layers of approachable white grapefruit and lemongrass, backed by weight and concentration. Just as you should “never mistake a woman’s meekness for weakness,” this is a wine you shouldn’t judge too quickly, lest you miss out on a sublime experience.

  • Offred Pays d’Oc Pinot Noir: Completely stripped of her rights and freedom, Offred must rely on the one weapon she has left to stay in control — her feminine wiles. This French Pinot Noir is similarly seductive, its dark berry fruit and cassis aromatics so beguiling it seems almost forbidden to taste. But it’s useless to resist the wine’s smooth and appealingly earthy profile, so you may as well give in. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, indeed.

  • Ofglen Rogue Valley Cabernet Sauvignon: Vive la résistance! Gilead’s most rebellious handmaid was the inspiration for this bold Cabernet Sauvignon — which, aptly, hails from the Rogue Valley. The wine is a daring testament to the heights that Oregon Cabs can reach, featuring concentrated flavors of cherry, plum and coffee bean that give way to a warm, spicy finish. Pleasure and enjoyment may be forbidden in Gilead, but it can certainly be found in this memorable wine.

There’s a lot to unpack here. First off, they’re giving Serena way too much credit. Sure, she’s fascinating, but also she wants to strip women of their rights and only cares about herself. So I think she’s not that sublime of a person to meet. Secondly, Offred’s “feminine wiles?” Are we talking about the same Offred who endures sexual assault and has to pretend to care for her rapist to survive? That’s not feminine wiles; that’s a primal instinct to protect herself. And then there’s Ofglen. Talking about pleasure with regards to a woman who’s endured female genital mutilation is not the best look. Let’s take this copy back to the drawing board and start again, shall we?

And if we’re doing Gilead-inspired alcohol, what’s next? A Commander Waterford vodka to drink before enacting oppressive laws (sadly enough, no one in power needs that currently)? An Aunt Lydia themed cookbook? More terrible handmaid outfit-inspired underwear?

The need to have tie-in products is as old as capitalism, but there are some pieces of media that don’t really need them. Much like how Hunger Games-inspired makeup missed the point of the franchise, having tie-in products like wine for The Handmaid’s Tale undermines the point of the proceedings. While it could be worse, it’s still not ideal.

Still, that won’t stop them from raking in the cash from fans who want to chug a bottle of Serena Joy down during an episode and instantly morph into one of the 53% of white women who voted for Trump. Blessed be our hangovers, indeed.

(Source: The Wrap, Image: Hulu)

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Kate (she/her) says sorry a lot for someone who is not sorry about the amount of strongly held opinions she has. Raised on a steady diet of The West Wing and classic film, she is now a cosplayer who will fight you over issues of inclusion in media while also writing coffee shop AU fanfic for her favorite rare pairs.