Bro, I saw episode three, and it made me want to rage quit HBO’s The Last of Us series.
Like, they totally ruined the story. They woke-ified a game that was always super hetero. Like, what’s gay about a zombie apocalypse? I mean, I’ve only played The Last of Us Part One, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t ANY gay characters. I’ve even played the Left Behind DLC, and the libs like to say it’s gay, but it’s so totally not. Ellie and Riley are just friends, bro. Gal pals. They just kiss each other on the lips because that’s something that girls do when they’re really good friends. And that’s cool.
Boys don’t though, cause that’s gay. My buddy Kyle and I did once, but that was just because there weren’t any girls around, so it’s cool. It was basically just a science experiment. Nothing gay about science.
This is why Bill And Frank are def NOT gay in the game
Don’t believe the hype, bro. There are SO MANY reasons why Bill and Frank aren’t gay in the game. First off, when Ellie and Joel meet Bill, Bill says that Frank was his “partner.” But definitely NOT in a gay way. We don’t really know the backstory of those two characters, but they were probably police detectives before the outbreak happened? Two loose canon cops who don’t play by the rules (except for the “no kissing rule,” they totally play by that one).
Or it’s probably because they once worked on a farm together and were cowboys or something? But NOT in a Brokeback Mountain kind of way. Or maybe they were the joint owners of an LLC? Maybe they were restauranteurs who went into business together? Maybe they were dancing partners and had to tango with each other because there weren’t any girls around?
It’s definitely not gay to dance with your bros when there aren’t any girls around. My buddy Kyle and I do it all the time. And sometimes when he dips me and I look into his deep green eyes they remind me of soft, rolling fields of grass that I just want to stretch out naked on with him while the sun warms our glistening bodies—but totally NOT in a gay way.
But what about the porno mag Ellie finds?
Bro don’t believe what TikTok says. It’s NOT EVEN A PORNO MAG. It’s a SURVIVAL MAG. Have you seen the dude on the cover? I have. He’s got juicy biceps, rippling pecs, and abs that I could totally wash my Fortnite t-shirt on. He looks incredible. I keep a couple magazines like that under my bed, and when I look at them I feel myself get all hot and sweaty, and for a long time I wasn’t sure what that meant. But my buddy Kyle told me that’s just my SURVIVAL INSTINCT kicking in. That’s ADRENALINE bro.
Kyle says that looking at beefy, muscular men is a psychological tool that you can use to remind yourself that you need to be STRONG to survive. And it’s ALSO a workout tool. When you see a perfectly sculpted ass peaking through a pair of chaps, it’s giving you an example of what the HEALTHY MALE BODY is supposed to look like. If you have an ass that won’t quit, then neither will YOU in a life-or-death survival situation.
Sometimes, when me and Kyle workout together alone at night in my bedroom, I open up some of those magazines so we can get motivated to work out even harder. I know that if I look like one of THOSE GUYS, it means that I could probably SURVIVE a zombie apocalypse. And I know if Kyle looks like one of those guys then that means he would be my PERFECT PARTNER in an end-of-the-world scenario.
In fact, sometimes I wish the world would end so it could just be me and Kyle alone together forever. We could build an electric fence around our town and live in a cute little house together at the end of the block. We could play songs for each other on my mom’s piano and we could grow strawberries together in the backyard. And we could have our friends over and host little dinner parties. And someday when we’re old and gray we can die in each other’s arms just like …
Oh …
OH.
I think I need to tell Kyle something … that I love him … forever …
But TOTALLY not in a gay way.
(featured image: HBO)
