Game of Thrones Veteran Recap: The Crowning

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Welcome to our Game of Thrones recap where we assume you’ve read the books. Spoilers abound.

You know, we’ve seen the Dothraki city in the intro almost every episode, but other than in quick passing, no one has talked about the stallions that signify the entrance to the “city”. Considering how neat the Dothraki main road is, strewn with the plundered forgotten gods of conquered civilizations, it’s a damn shame.

We open on gauzy curtains and Ned Stark’s clammy face. Guess someone pulled him out of the streets after all. But if that sheen on his forehead is any indication, not before he stewed in the bacteria of the whorehouse stoop for a while.

Oh God, Cersei as the first thing you see upon waking. Was there every a more terrifying sight? (Answer: no. Just ask Robert)

Almost did a real life spit take. That’s your lie Cersei? EDDARD STARK was drunk, leaving a whorehouse and attacked Jaime out of spite? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

You know, spousal abuse is a real issue and the books made it out like Robert hit Cersei on a fairly regular basis but omg I’d have kicked her straight in her lady bits…so  yay Robert! Punch her again. But don’t. But do. But don’t. Seriously.

Threaten to make Jaime Lannister Hand of the King? Foreshadowing or drunken lout? Only time will tell. Also, just remembered the Hand of the King is supposed to wear a chain of hands…not a pin. Isn’t that right, Shae? Because hands of gold are always cold but a woman’s hands are warm.

Oh thank God, it’s Dany. We won’t have to watch another fifty minutes of Ned herp derp his way to an early grave.

NEW SCENE! Dany puts one of the eggs into the brazier. This isn’t new but is supposed to happen later when she’s super pregnant. But what is new is Irri coming in while she’s doing it. The egg is hot and burns her but not Dany. Guess they’re trying to set up her resistance to flame for later down the line. It’s good to see some outward indication (not just dreams and voices half heard) that she really is of the Dragon Blood.

Bran is dreaming again. Oh hello strangely mute three-eyed crow. Why HBO doesn’t have the crow talking to Bran about having to “open his eye” and how he “must fly or die” is beyond me. Blue eyed zombies? Totally believable. Telepathic crow? Too far fetched.

Bran is awakened from his dream by Hodor bringing in the awesome saddle. Guess we’re going to get an infodump via watching Bran relearn to ride instead of with the spoonful of gratuitous nudity. Damn.

Stir the pot Theon. Stir it up real good. You tell Robb what a good son would do. And then watch how well it works and replicate it later down the line. #foolproofplan

While we learn that Robb has a better understanding of reticence and patience and that Theon has all the political acumen of a wet dishcloth, we somehow lose Bran. Seriously guys? How do you lose an eight year old boy whooping with delight on a white horse? I mean, it’s not like you guys told Bran to stay put while you and Theon went to look for the (bizarrely absent from the television series in any meaningful way) direwolves in the godswood because oh wait THAT’S WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

Bran is alone in acres and acres of untamed wilderness and somehow manages to find the only Night’s Watch deserters and wildlings in the area. Oh and Nymphadora Tonks. Osha is little bit more eccentric/creepy than I remember. But the rest of them are just as stupid.

Oh ho, big brother Robb to the rescue all cutting guys down and being a BAMF. It was supposed to be Summer and Grey Wind doing all the throat ripping and growling and general terrorizing but poor Robb has had so little to do this season and it’d probably look horrible to have CG wolves attacking people that I’ll let it slide…this time. #pityfight

Speaking of the wolves, do any of the other veteran readers feel like people just watching the show are missing out on just how integral the direwolves are to the lives of the Stark children? Other than being symbolic at the beginning of the show, I think we’re really missing out on how the wolves act as a sixth sense in times of danger.

For all her aggression towards Bran, they really neutered Osha during the fight scene. Her and Robb’s epic battle in the stream is missing.

Don’t do it Robb. The bad guys always say they’ll let the hostage go but they never do. Listen to Bran…and arrow through the chest. For all his faults, this is one thing Theon did good on.

Annnnnnd Robb is an ungrateful ass. Saved my brother? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT GREYJOY? GAWD.

Tyrion is still lounging in a sky cell, almost rolling off to his doom in his sleep. Why the hell he doesn’t just sit sleeping up while leaning into one corner is beyond me. Sleep deprived stupidity or just a secret death wish? Mord is as simple and brutal as written.

Oh God, Syrio. That fro you’re sporting cracks me up. I can’t take you seriously when you have a dead poodle perched on your head.

Syrio forces Arya out of her depression by beating on her with a stick. At least she’s consistently left-handed now. Feel like they missed a good monologuing/foreshadowing opportunity about her handedness and how it’ll keep her enemy off guard.

“Not today Death.” …Unless you’re Jory. #sob

Back in the land of the Dothraki, Daenerys is already eating her horse heart. It’s seems like only yesterday she was beating her brother with a metal belt. Considering there are only four episodes left in the season, they might want to start showing that baby bump soon.

Horse hearts are larger than I thought they’d be but seem to possess some magical quality where every time Dany takes a bite it diminishes in size by half. As long as Jorah and Viserys were going to explain the ritual in a mini-infodump they could’ve thrown in how Dany trained for this moment by drinking clotted horse’s blood and starving herself for over a day to help choke down the raw flesh. She is trying super hard to be the best Khaleesi ever you guys.

Considering past and future prophecies in this series, it’s good to know that even in a foreign tongue they always say what the listener wants to hear. Stallion that mounts the world indeed.

Um, why is their a single blue painted man at this ritual? Dude, this is not a Braveheart convention. You don’t even go here.

NEW SCENE! Viserys is finally getting wise to the fact that his mouse of a sister is suddenly holding all the cards. But, instead of using her sisterly love to garner a better relationship with her people, he opts to steal her dragon eggs and flee the scene. Until Jorah steps in. Honestly, I’m kind of surprised Viserys didn’t just stab him for standing in his way. Guess he only has a proclivity for abusing women.

Jorah, how you were able to keep a straight face while saying honor was important to you is nothing less than Oscar worthy.

Once again Tyrion is trying to bribe the world’s dullest jailer. With slightly more luck. Little sad they didn’t show how Mord made the Imp write down his promises but I suppose it’s harder to visually convey the sense of mysticism that the concept of writing holds to a man like Mord. Writing, it’s like magic! But with ink.

Back in the throne room, Lysa is all ears for Tyrion’s confession. I know I should have mentioned this last week, but Lysa Arryn, Y U NO FAT?

Oh Tyrion, you are so wonderful I could just listen to you talk all day. Somehow this confession speech manages to surpass the version in the book. I hope Cersei ate the turtle soup as well. It’s not the first time familial fluids would get past her lips. Bronn is amused and Robin (as well as I) want to know what the Imp was doing in a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

Oh the big reveal. We get to see the moon door in all it’s WHY THE SEVEN HELLS IS IT IN THE FLOOR?  WHERE IS MY WEIRWOOD DOOR? /nerdrage

alsjflkasjdlfjaslghas;ldghlkshfl;kahsgl sdhglahsgl;ahsdlg;asdlg. slghl;sdhglakshglashgl

Okay. I’m okay now.

The men all clamor to champion poor Widow Arryn and hopefully woo her into marriage so that they can become Lord of the Vale. That’s right folks, all those lovely gentlemen aren’t gentlemen…they’re opportunists.

Bronn’s face just screams, “Eh, why the hell not?”

And we’re in the forest hunting boar with Robert and Lancel and Renly and Barristan. Somehow I always thought Robert went hunting on horseback…with lots of courtiers. You know, the way nobility is supposed to hunt. Safety in numbers Robert. Just sayin’.

That’s right Lancel, just keep giving him strongwine. Super strongwine. You meek little bastard.

I love that Renly totally calls Robert on his shit. Even though he’s never seen battle, he knows Robert is romanticizing war and that the King being bored is a small price to pay for peace. Though I am thoroughly intrigued by the concept of “Making the 8”.

Eddard sits on the still-not-properly-explained-in-the-show-as-to-why-it-looks-the-way-it-does Iron Throne. Poor peasants think he’s the King and are terribly upset that knights are burning their children and murdering their wives. They better GET used to it.

Looks like Tywin Lannister is making the Tully’s look bad. Oh you crazy old heartless jackass.

Way to send the most noticeably brutal knight in the kingdom to do your dirty work though. Guess the nobility didn’t expect the plebs to complain. Or if they did, for anyone to care. Sadly, it’s Super Ned to the rescue! #cape #whoosh

Beric Dondarrion! <3 <3 <3 But you know, with the exception of Sansa, the gingers in Westeros aren’t very gingery.

Psssst, Ned. If you want to strip Gregor of all his lands and titles, you might want to send more than a handful of guys to apprehend him.

I think it all would’ve been well and good if Ned had stopped at Clegane but noooo. He had to go for Tywin. No one summons Lord Lannister anywhere. So um, Ned? You can’t be an enemy of the crown if you’re the one that provided all the gold from which the crown is made. While Tywin might not be King, that’s only because he KNOWS he has the personality of sandpaper.

You know what? I wash my hands of the Eyrie. Everything hurts and nothing is good. Not only is the Moon Door in the freaking floor (way to be lazy set department) but the fight between Bronn and Lysa’s champion is making me have a small attack of rabid fangirl. Bear with me.

Why are we fighting on top of the moon door in the throne room instead of in the garden with the lords and ladies assembled above on a balcony? Where is the allegorical statue of a weeping woman that saves Bronn and crushes his enemy? Why are they fighting amongst the nobility? I mean, sure it’s amusing to see Bronn use highborn gentlemen as a human shield but it’s just so…wrong. I..just…FFFFFUUUUUUU.

To end on a high note, at least they maintained that Bronn won because he knew how to fight dirty. It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship of him gaming the system. Looking forward to seeing you, Lollys.

Also, the look Tyrion shot Catelyn when Bronn started to win. #crackship #noshame

Oh goodie. A scene with Sansa… -_-

You know, you ungrateful little snot, Septa Mordane is just trying to be nice to you and if I didn’t know what terrible things awaited you in the future I’d wish horrible things on you.

Does anyone else think Joff has serial killer eyes? Like if I saw him in a dark alley, I’d run screaming in the other direction.

Looks like Joff is taking his mother’s advice and putting on a brave face for his future bride. “I’ll never be cruel to you again.” LOLOLOLOL! DIAF you son of a whore.

Also, “You are my lady from this day until my last day.” That’s not a promise Sansa, it was a threat. #ominouspromises

Hey it’s Ros! But, where is she going? And who is she? Was she in the novels in passing and I just missed her? Or just added in for gratuitous T&A infodumps? Ahh…the latter. Seeing her kitty is the most nudity we get this episode it seems. Theon won’t be the only one that misses her I’m sure.

P.S. HBO better not try and replace Shae with Ros. Because I will pee on everything they love.

Oh Ned. Stupid, stupid Ned. Why would you tell the girls you’re going to send them away? Seven Hells indeed Arya.

Sansa claims she doesn’t want a man that’s brave and gentle and strong…she wants Joffrey. Are you psychic Sansa? Because you’re about to get everything you ever wished for.

From the mouths of babes. Although even when reading the books, I thought the discovery that Robert’s children are the product of incest was dubious at best. Genetics don’t work like that guyz. Hell, I have two blonde children and neither my husband or I are blonde. OH GOD DID I CHEAT ON HIM?!?! I DON’T REMEMBER? WAS I DRUGGED?

Viserys is drunk and breaking a lot of rules. And asking where his sister is. I don’t know genius, maybe she’s the only platinum blonde female in this tiny tent?

I’d ask if Viserys has lost his damn mind to pull a sword on Dany and threaten to cut the baby out of her in front of her scary and scowly sun-and-stars (has she ever once called Drogo that in the show?) but the answer is clearly yes.

Just noticed I’ve been pronouncing many character names wrong in my head for years. Have a tendency to put the EMphasis on the first SYLlalble. Is this an American thing?

I love that Khal Drogo keeps his promises in the same manner as a leprechaun. Or a genie. Should’ve phrased your wish better man. At least Dany is man enough to watch.

That gold melted super fast. Does gold melt that fast? A quick Google says no. Unless they were roasting that boar at 1948 degrees Fahrenheit.

Pretty pleased with the crowning. The CG wasn’t bad and the death was quick, much like I’d assumed it would be. Melting brain pan wouldn’t take long.

On a parting note, I wonder…who got the job of chipping Targaryen brain out of all that gold? Waste not, want not.

Donna Dickens is an associate editor for Buzzfeed and an avid Song of Ice and Fire fan. Sheʼs tryingreally hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.


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