Welcome to our Game of Thrones recap where we assume you’ve read the books. Spoilers abound.
Episode Eight, “The Pointy End”: In which The Mary Sue will be paying my therapy bills for making me relive this trauma again. I’m having ‘Nam Summerhall flashbacks!
- Action montage! The death of the one nameless guard that tried to escape the throne room, the rest of the Stark servants being killed by overzealous Lannister men and Septa Mordane being the HBIC that she is. It’s … good? … to know kind of what actually happened to her. She went down protecting her ungrateful wretch of charge like a good nun.
- Syrio teaches Arya that watching is not seeing; which may be the winner for most instantaneous move from foreshadowing to actuality as Lannisters and a Kingsguard bust in demanding Arya go with them. Anyone else think the Kingsguard sounded/looked like a poor man’s Tim Curry when he laughed his evil laugh? Not that it matters because Syrio is a BAMF and will use a wooden sword to take down your comically old school henchmen who stand around in a circle, attacking one at a time. Run Arya! Oh God I will not start crying this early. Don’t stand there and watch him die. #bukkitformycreys
- Arya escapes only to be accosted by the world’s most unconvincing stable boy menace. Annnnd, Needle is christened with the blood of pudgy servants.
- Sansa/The Hound #OTP #crackship
- Varys is in the dungeon opining that no one ever trusts the eunuch. I guess he’s giving Ned some much needed exposition. Oh and poisoned totally not poisoned water. Oh and heaping helping of humble pie with a side of I TOLD YOU SO. All while wearing a jaunty hat. Varys asks what madness possessed Ned to warn Cersei and Lord Stark answers … incorrectly … that is was “The Madness of Mercy.” Don’t be silly Ned — it was the Madness of Stark Stupidity Probably Born Of Years Of Nobility Inbreeding To Keep The Blood Pure.
- Back on the Wall, the body belonging to the hand found by Ghost is on display. With another dead friend. Sam points out that dead men rot and Jon concurs with a hearty KILL IT WITH FIRE. Sadly, Mormont has better things to do then be sensible; like telling Jon that his father is a traitor and his sisters are missing and his brother is going to war and Jon is going to miss all the fun you guiz! And so he storms off in a fit of #ANGST.
- Watching Sansa be manipulated into turning on her family by a senile old man, a eunuch, an incestuous viper and Uncle Pedofinger is like watching a child pull the wings off a fly. I don’t even like Sansa and i want to swoop in and pull a Ripley on them. GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!
- Unsurprisingly, none of the Starks buy Sansa’s “please admit your beloved father/husband is a traitor and bend the knee so they don’t murder me in my sleep oh Gods help they’re taking the quill away fro——-” act. Catelyn finally realizes her sister is a coward on top of being insane and puts the Land of Inappropriate-Breastfeeding and Never-The-Eyrie-In-My-Heart behind her. Robb goes all “No one puts House Stark in the corner!” #dirtydancingfighting While somehow Theon manages to praise House Stark’s intelligence with a straight face.
- Jon is sent to his room because Allister Thorne is a jerkface meany-pants. But it turns out to be a good thing because OMG GHOST STFU. YOU ARE AN ALBINO GHOST DIREWOLF. YOU DON’T EVEN MAKE SOUND. Whatever. Ghost warns Jon that something’s not right and of course that means you tell the giant deadly direwolf to stay at the bottom of the stairs while you check it out like you’re a one man Scooby-Doo gang of Westeros. Not that it matters since the wolves are totally gimped on the show which is immediately proven when the dead guy tries to kill Jon and Ghost is once again left out of a crucial fight scene. You are making the Seven cry, HBO. But yeah, turns out KILL IT WITH FIRE was the proper response.
- Meanwhile across the sea, Dany is finally realizing that her barbarian lord husband is, you know, a barbarian. The Dothraki are on the rampage, collecting slaves and pillaging villages to raise money to cross the sea. So way to think that through Khaleesi. At least they aren’t showing the wide-spread brutal gang rape on top of fresh piles of corpses. So yay for small favors? Also, aren’t the Lamb People supposed to be Asian? Why is Mirri Maz Duur and the rest of them so white?
- Turns out denying an adrenaline and testosterone fueled warrior his spoils of war gets you tattled on. Of course Drogo is merely amused by Dany’s fierceness … brought on by the man inside her because no woman would be this ballsy if she weren’t gestating something with balls … God I’ll be glad when Mirri ends this Stockholm Syndrome travesty. The Khal decides to fight when his man call Dany a whore.
- He’s all monologuing and posturing and while, yeah, it’s impressive, I sure hope that wound you purposely inflicted on yourself (which the novel Khal would laugh it because your nipple isn’t dangling by a thread of sinew) doesn’t fester and hurt you. #dundunduuuuun
- Robb Stark has been infected with BAMF Syndrome. He’s called his bannermen and is going to march south and HOLY SHIT … Grey Wolf actually attacked the Greatjon in a fit of rebellion against the neutering of television direwolves. As always, Lord Umber is one of my favorite side characters! Anyone see Maege Mormont in the background anywhere? So now that the Greatjon is in his place, minus two fingers, the Northern host is going to march south where the summer snows finally make a cameo and Robb is reunited with Catelyn and everything is rainbows and unicorns and THE FREYS.
- Before leaving Robb reminds Bran to look after Rickon … wait who? Ohhhhh, right! After remembering he’s not the youngest Stark, Bran goes to the godswood to pray for the safe return of his family (lol good luck!) and thank you thank you thank you Osha Tonks for finally explaining about the weirwoods and the white walkers and everything that is so much more important than the game of thron — OH GOD FULL FRONTAL HODOR MY VIRGIN EYES! ;_;
- Tyrion manages to escape the Vale with a bunch of hill folk including Shagga and Timmett and Chella who all get the roll call treatment. And of course Tyrion and his Bronnmance! <3 By the way, who knew Bronn was a hipster? Of course Lord Tywin is almost able to pretend to be happy to see his son, but can’t quite manage it and instead ends up pledging that Tyrion will fight in the upcoming battle against the Starks. #badparenting
- Oh sweet Raptor Jesus my stomach just dropped out from under me for real as Sansa walked into the throne room. She’s going to do everything they tell her to do and beg for mercy and Joff is just sitting on the throne looking smarmy and I want the damn thing to cut him the way he’s being so cavalier and I want to look away. The end is so close. Don’t let this happen. Oh God, Oh God … I’m dizzy. #smellingsalts
- Ending on a high note: SER BARRISTAN SELMY IS TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT.
Donna Dickens is an associate editor for Buzzfeed and an avid Song of Ice and Fire fan. Sheʼs trying really hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.
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