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Fox News Offers Advice on Sexting, People Immediately Stop Sexting

Vital Information for Your Everyday Life

Fox News has gotten hip to the cool jive and is offering tips on sexting (“strictly adults only”!) that is sure to make you think a few brain thoughts. Among them: Did my parents catch me sexting and report it to Fox News? Did Fox News only just find out about sexting? And does this mean sexting is officially not cool anymore? Not sure about answers to the first two questions, but the third might be a yes. And also, your parents are going to start sexting. Also: I am so sorry I made you think about that.

So, Jenny Block of FoxNews.com has been doing some hard reporting and is ready to tell mature, American adults the best way to have the sext. Here are some highlights of this completely unsolicited sexting advice from a conservative news organization:

It’s a brave new world out there, especially when technology is involved. Things are moving faster and faster.

Mmmmm. Go on.

And, the faster things move, the more abbreviated the steps become.

Ooooo, yeah. Wait, what?

Nowhere is that more true than when it comes to communication.

So, keep it short, sweet, and completely devoid of emotion? That is completely unlike a typical Fox News broadcast.

The evolution of sexting then should also come as no surprise – and I think it can be great fun for the adult set (and I mean strictly adults only).

Because when I think of authorities on evolution and sex, I definitely think of Fox News.

And here are some useful steps to good, clean, patriotic sexting:

2. The embarrassment factor is removed because you don’t have to see the person while you’re typing your naughty thoughts.

Don’t ever express your feelings in person. Not only is it not sexy, but it’s for liberal hippie types, according to a completely unscientific Fox News poll.

And don’t even get me started on those crazy kids not wanting to type out entire words! Need a translation guide for all those pesky acronyms?

GYPO: Get Your Pants Off
IAYM: I Am Your Master
IWSN: I Want Sex Now

MOOS: Member Of The Opposite Sex
MOSS: Member(s) Of The Same Sex
NALOPKT: Not A Lot Of People Know That [Ed. note: HOT, HOT, HOT]
S2R: Send To Receive [Ed. note: ??????]
TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me
WIN: Want It Now

Was there an editorial meeting about this? Is this was Fox considers news gathering?

But let’s also not forget that there is such a thing as safe sext. So make sure you pull out before doing anything you might regret:

2. Ask before you text. Don’t surprise someone with a sext until you are sure he or she is into it. That is one mistake that you simply cannot undo. And when the game is over, it’s over. So, don’t push it.

Clearly, this was a lesson learned for someone at Fox News.

4. Remember that sexting is an 18 and over activity.

Sure it is.

So, stop balking and get sexting. If you can’t play with the one you love, who can you play with?

I never ever want to hear Fox News nudging me towards “playing” as it refers to anything sexual. This is as bad and misguided as my kindergarten teacher suggesting aphrodisiacs.

Let’s be honest — sexting is what you make of it. Here is some real advice: Use your freaking head. And double check the phone number.

(Fox News via Fark)

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