The New York Post ran an article titled “Why I won’t date hot women anymore” last night, which has been relentlessly mocked and dragged to shreds. However, just as we took a moment to question the reasoning behind the infamous “Why I’ll Never Date a Feminist,” The Mary Sue looks out into the distance again to wonder: Are there legitimate reasons not to date hot women? Is Dan Rochkind, in this article that introduces his fiancé as “isn’t a bikini model” before it mentions her name, actually onto something?
Here are some reasons for not dating a hot woman:
- Hot girls take a lot of selfies. Their arms are strong. They will overpower and destroy you.
- You’re suspicious of her hotness. What if it’s not “real” beauty, but a manufactured hotness? Like, what if she’s actually an ivory statue brought to life by the goddess Aphrodite, and you’re not really into that?
- Looks will fade. Everything will fade. We’re only a small dot in the universe.
- She looks different in the morning than she does at night. You haven’t read up on your Arthurian legends and when asked whether you want a bride that’s beautiful during the day or night you forgot to give her sovereignty. This is really on you.
- Cooties, again.
- Maintaining hotness means keeping to certain routines and diets, and you’re a carnivorous creature from the underworld that feeds on livestock. Incompatible lifestyles.
- You like taking baths and you don’t appreciate hot girls making a mess by bathing in the blood of virgins every night.
- When you go swimming, hot girls can’t really sink. They only float. This puts a big damper on your family’s yearly scuba trips.
- Maybe you just suck, like, as a person.
(Image: Universal Pictures)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
Have a tip we should know? firstname.lastname@example.org