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Donald Trump WOULD Calm Down by Listening to Freaking CATS Show Tunes

Leave my good boy, Mr. Mistoffelees, OUT OF THIS.

 

Donald Trump hugs a US flag and yells

Former press secretary Stephanie Grishman’s book tells a lot about her time with former President Donald Trump. Titled I’ll Take Your Questions Now, it’s all about her not speaking up when she should have. Frankly, I don’t care about 90% of it. I don’t want to think about that man again as long as I live, and yet, he is constantly force-fed to me against my will—like today when I learned that he had a dedicated “Music Man” who had the job of calming down the president by playing him his favorite show tunes. Trump doesn’t deserve show tunes. Actually, Trump can listen to bad shows on repeat. That’s it.

Instead, we add another instance of “Trump likes Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.” We already know that Donald Trump loves Evita, which is hilarious all on its own, but now … we’re learning a bit too much about the former disgrace in chief.  The New York Times wrote the following paragraph, and when I tell you I wanted to scrub it from my brain, I’m not being dramatic:

At one point, she writes, Mr. Trump’s handlers designated an unnamed White House official known as the “Music Man” to play him his favorite show tunes, including “Memory” from “Cats,” to pull him from the brink of rage. (The aide, it is revealed later, is Ms. Grisham’s ex-boyfriend. She does not identify him, but it is Max Miller, a former White House official now running for Congress with Mr. Trump’s support.)

THE BRINK OF RAGE? HE WAS FLIPPING OUT AND THEN “Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise, I must think of a new life, and I mustn’t give in” PLAYS AND HE’S SUDDENLY FINE? Look, I don’t love Cats. The first time I was confronted with it was the cursed movie version, but I fell in love with the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees, and the idea of Trump being anywhere near my good sweet son sends ME into a fit of rage.

But it’s also … horrifying to think of this man being in charge of the nuclear codes and needing to be calmed down by the soothing tones of cats singing in an alley. Presidents like musicals. John F. Kennedy loved Camelot and Barack Obama was a big reason that Hamilton is as big as it is. That doesn’t mean I have to like that Donald Trump had a “Music Man” to play him some of Broadway’s hits so he didn’t get us blown up.

My worst fear is that this “Music Man” is going to talk about the time that he had to play Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street so that we didn’t send nukes into the ocean or something like that.

All I ask is that it isn’t revealed that he actually liked American Psycho the Musical or that he was soothed by Spring Awakening or Next to Normal. I, personally, could not handle Donald Trump liking something that good. He can keep liking Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber all he wants; just leave Stephen Sondheim out of it.

(image: Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images)

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Rachel (she/her) is an I, Tonya stan who used to have a poster of Frank Sinatra on her wall as a kid. She loves superheroes, weird musicals, wants Robert Downey Jr. to release a new album, and would sell her soul for Pedro Pascal as Kraven the Hunter. She is Leslie Knope and she's okay with that. Secretly Grogu's mom and Lizzie Olsen's best friend.