This Cabinet Has Everything You Need for a Zombie Apocalypse
Except a moral compass.
Worried about how to prepare you and your loved ones for the inevitable collapse of civilization? Wolfram Gear has created a cabinet with everything you’ll need in the coming disaster—provided you have $145,000 set aside in your apocalypse preparation fund.
If you were thinking of spending your Benjamins on back surgery or your children’s higher education, shame on you! A New Age is coming in which the trappings of the old world will seem laughable next to your neighbors’ insatiable hunger for brains. Prepare now for the United States of Anarchy by taking a look at Wolfram’s brochure.
Wolfram describes their bright orange cabinet as a “double steel walled, fire rated, dual lock emergency cabinet made right here in the USA.” The cabinet comes with 170 items that will prove essential in the coming Time Of Darkness—especially when we wind up operating on a barter system, and protein bars become a highly-prized commodity.
Wolfram promises that the cabinet provides “readiness for the unforeseen” (and unseen, we hope, as the zombie you should fear is the one that’s not in front of you), and “strength for the unexpected. Providing life essentials to keep you and your family calm and confident when the unexpected happens.”
In this case, life essentials include 108,000 calories of food, thousands of dollars worth of tools, and a comparatively small amount of Charmin toilet paper. To make sure your favorite disaster preparedness item is on the list (it’s sorely lacking in chips and dip) take a look at the cabinet’s inventory here.
Personally, I think the cabinet could also do with some holy water or stakes, but perhaps zombie battle is something Wolfram Gear founders Hope and Jim Schrim prefer to discuss during house calls. Starting at just 750, a Wolfram Gear representative will come to your house and help prepare your family (of no more than five) to live in Hell on Earth.
Wolfram was just founded in 2o13, and though in all sincerity we think thorough emergency preparation can save countless lives in natural disasters, it’s disconcerting that the Schrims have managed to find a market for their exorbitant services.
Is Wolfram Gear’s existence just a result of successful fear mongering? Or do its patrons know something about the four horsemen that the rest of us don’t? (Probably that first one.)
- Wolfram Gear will be there for you when we all have the plague
- Let Math prepare you for the zombie apocalypse
- Let our Walking Dead recaps remind you how bad it could get
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