Breaking News: Digestive Biscuits Have Chocolate On The Bottom, Not the Top
Next you're going to tell me that french fries aren't actually Fre-- wait, what now?
Leave it to the UK to name their cookies “digestives,” right? It sounds like an unappetizing experience, but trust me when I say that they’re actually really delicious. Of course, as it turns out, I’ve been eating them wrong this entire time like the incompetent American heathen that I am. But that’s okay: so has most of England.
Things like common sense and logic would dictate that a cookie partially covered in a thick layer of chocolate should be eaten with that chocolate on top for ease and cleanliness, right? Wrong. According to digestive manufacturers, the chocolate part of the biscuit is actually on the bottom, despite the fact that literally every advertisement I’ve ever seen of anyone eating the product has the chocolate on top.
And that’s not just a preference on the part of the cookie companies, either: that is literally how they are made. This terrifying truth was first uncovered by a UK Reddit user who e-mailed United Biscuits regarding their popular McVitie’s Chocolate Digestives, presumably to settle an argument. “For your information,” the reply reads, “the biscuits go through a reservoir of chocolate which enrobes them so the chocolate is actually on the bottom of the biscuits and not on the top.” Hang on a second. A chocolate reservoir? That you apparently dip the biscuits into? Don’t you know how much easier it would be to just pour the chocolate over them instead?
When pressed to clarify by the Independent, another spokesperson from McVities also pointed out that, “The McVitie’s stamp is on the other side, which is the top of the biscuit.” However, they offered no rationale behind all of the advertisements that depict British subjects happily snacking on upside-down biscuits. Presumably they’re trying to make fools of us all.
Speaking of which, did you also know that digestives don’t actually do anything for your digestive health? They’re called that because they were first baked with sodium bicarbonate and were believed to have antacid properties, even though they actually don’t. So basically, the entire biscuit is made of lies. What’s next, McVities? Are you going to tell me that your packages don’t also come with adorable snuggly kittens? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.