There I was, idly scrolling the internet, thinking I was done with work for the day. Then I saw it: A Cheetos bath bomb, sitting on a shelf in a store like it wasn’t a harbinger of the end times, flavored with late-stage capitalism. Who even greenlit this monstrosity? I knew immediately that I had to log back in. The people needed to be warned.
It’s been surprisingly difficult to find evidence of these offending bath bombs anywhere on the internet. This led me to wonder if the initial contextless image I saw on Facebook was actually AI-generated, the latest nightmare courtesy of the tech bro billionaires who rule the internet. Eventually, I was able to locate a TikTok video that captured the offending bath bombs in their natural habitat: The Dollar Tree. This explains everything. Dollar Trees seem to occupy a liminal space between universes, containing mysterious items you won’t find anywhere else on the planet.
I was also, to my great relief, able to see the packets more clearly and discovered that said bath bomb doesn’t actually smell like Cheetos. Allegedly it smells like oranges, while the neighboring Cool Ranch Doritos bath bomb smells like blue raspberry. Both are safe, uninspired choices for bath bombs that make you wonder why anyone bothered with Doritos and Cheetos branding at all. Presumably for the shock factor, because these have to be gag gifts, right? And hey, once the recipient has finished laughing at unwrapping a cheese snack-scented bath product, they’ve got something they can actually use. This puts the bath bombs ahead of novelty soda flavors, and that one limited Christmas edition tea put out by a British supermarket that claimed to taste of Brussels sprouts. Best of all, no one’s going around smelling like they bathed in Cheetos. Unless folks are actually bathing in Cheetos, which is their own special journey I want no part of.
Tragically, in my attempts to figure out who the hell was manufacturing these bath bombs, I fell down a rabbit hole of DIY guides for making your own Hot Cheetos bath bombs and artisanal Cheeto soap. Thanks, Etsy! Apparently, there are two kinds of people: one experiencing a visceral horror and another who should be ashamed. Yeah, if you’re in that second group, google it for yourself. I won’t help you achieve your bathing in Cheeto dreams/nightmares.
Alright, that’s enough internet for the day. Have the Cheeto-scented day you deserve.
(featured image: AbbieImages/Getty Images)
