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Cocaine Shark Sounds Like My Worst Nightmare

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Right out of the gate, let me make this clear: I don’t like sharks. I’m terrified of them, and I don’t think they’d necessarily like me so it seems fair. So the idea of a cocaine shark is not exactly appealing to me.

You know how everyone is currently obsessed with the upcoming movie Cocaine Bear because of a very real situation in which a bear ate some cocaine? Well, now they want a shark to have that treatment because there was 3.5 tons of cocaine found in the ocean. And honestly? No thank you! The idea of one of the world’s greatest predators on cocaine is not my idea of a fun time.

The basis for Cocaine Bear was a mystery, and the movie is taking liberties to make a fun movie out of a bit of history we don’t know that much about. So of course people online instantly started to wonder about a Cocaine Shark movie and what it would entail.

Much like the real story of the Cocaine Bear, the cocaine was dropped in the ocean in an unknown situation and discovered by New Zealand police officers. It is rumored to have been dropped there by drug smugglers but no arrests have happened yet. That doesn’t mean a shark couldn’t have come across and taken some, which brings us to the internet’s new obsession with the idea of Cocaine Shark.

Look, just watch Jaws: The Revenge. That movie has a shark eating the top of a boat and also Michael Caine coming out of the ocean completely dry. It’s like it was a movie fueled by cocaine already! We don’t need a high shark killing people, please, I’m begging you.

Cocaine Shark can stay an internet meme

There are some things in this world that I just want to take away from others for my own selfish reasoning. This is one of them, mainly because the idea of a shark movie being promoted in the way Cocaine Bear is terrifies me. Why would I, someone who is afraid of sharks, want to see trailers over and over again about a shark coked out of his mind and ready to attack anyone who dares step foot in the water?

Sounds bad! You’d think that I’d pretend like this movie wouldn’t happen but come on, we know it would. Cocaine Bear is coming out in just a few short weeks. If it is successful (and I think it will be), there’s no stopping them from jumping over to the cocaine shark story, even if there isn’t a real one.

Until I am told that there is no cocaine shark movie coming out, I will live in fear of one day having to see a shark go on attack mode in every single way he can—because I just know they’d somehow make him attack people in a swimming pool or something outrageous just because they can. Maybe cocaine dolphin would stop him, though.

(featured image: Universal Pictures)

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She/Her. A writer who loves all things movies, TV, and classic rock. Resident Spider-Man expert, official Leslie Knope, actually Yelena Belova. Wanda Maximoff has never done anything wrong in her life. Star Wars makes her very happy. New York writer with a passion for all things nerdy. Yes, she has a Pedro Pascal podcast. And also a Harrison Ford one.