In case you were somehow not aware that today is Force Friday, let this now be your warning: there are toy posts incoming. And if you couldn’t tell by the headline, there may be spoilers for those of you who are trying to preserve 100% of the mystery. Got it? Good.
If you’re still here, then that means you’re down to over-over analyze with us because apparently you can never read too much into Star Wars toys. Right, gang? R… right? Anyway.
So there’s a Captain Phasma voice-changing mask for sale, similar to the Darth Vader one that was up a while ago. It has a few built-in lines for those of us who can’t capture Gwendoline Christie’s menacing growl. These lines are: “Move, to your ships now”; “On my command”; “Fire FM 2187”; and “Submit your blaster for inspection.”
Masque #CaptainPhasma #ForceFriday #StarWars pic.twitter.com/y6H1xdt25k
— David Popineau (@davidpopineau) September 3, 2015
Let’s dissect, shall we? For starters: as we all so obviously know, Blaster is Captain Phasma’s pet dachshund. From this line we can safely assume that each trooper in the First Order has been assigned their own pet dachshund, but someone’s has fallen well below inspection standards. How positively evil.
Next, FM 2187: what is it? Well, in the U.S. (which is where Star Wars is set, duh), FM frequencies range from 88 to 108 MHz. So from this we can extrapolate that the First Order is actually a group of corporate radio overlords weeding out pirate radio stations. By “firing” a station, she of course means taking a flamethrower to it because as laid out in past novels, flames kill radio waves in the Star Wars universe. Yeah. Take that, free radio lovers.
Kylo Ren’s mask and figure are decidedly more juicy, with much, much more revealing lines. His mask says: “I feel it too”; “You know what I’ve come for”; “Together, we will destroy the Resistance and the last Jedi”; “Don’t fight it, you know you can’t”; “I’m immune to the light”; and “Who will step in the way?”
Masque #KyloRen #ForceFriday #StarWars pic.twitter.com/L6qaUHoUro — David Popineau (@davidpopineau) September 3, 2015
His action figure says a few more lines: “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time”; “Is it true? You’re just a scavenger?”; “Don’t be afraid”; and “That weapon is mine.”
Just judging from the overall content, we can safely assume that Kylo Ren is a lover, not a fighter. “I feel it too”? That’s so sweet. That means someone professes their love for him first. But of course, he goes on to say, “I’m immune to the light,” which clearly means he doesn’t believe himself to be good enough for his partner. Kylo Ren, you are lovely just the way you are. His journey is so totally one of self-acceptance, am I right, folks? “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time”? Love has its own mysterious ways, and I am so glad that Kylo Ren seems to be finding his.
But there may be trouble in paradise. Kylo Ren’s “Is it true? You’re just a scavenger?” line reveals that he’s got some privilege biases to get over. Your job doesn’t define you, Kylo Ren. You’d do well to know that, Sith-not-Sith.
Anyway, you can all now go ahead and tweet or Facebook these totally true facts about Star Wars: The Force Awakens. When it turns out to be a romcom set in a coffee shop far, far away, you can go ahead and tell ’em that you read it here first at The Mary Sue.
(via Comic Book Resources)
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