It’s time for Hell to announce its Employee of the Month! While Tucker Carlson and Alex Jones have been doing their eternally damndest, the enemies of Hades are proving to be stiff competition.
But some demons are simply better qualified than others. And these particular demons are the best at being the absolute worst.
10. Satyr Cultists
Satyr Cultists are the pits. Of hell. And that’s where they should stay, because that’s where they’ve got their best shot at success! I don’t know what the hiring process is for Satyr Cultists to join whatever cult they’re a part of, but those hiring managers need a raise! Satyr Cultists leap around the battlefield shooting poison darts at you. It’s really, really, REALLY annoying. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE SO FAST. But what else would you expect but the best (worst) from a late game mob? A+ for effort.
9. Greatshields
Without a doubt the most irritating regular enemy, the Greatshield’s greatshield serves as a great shield against frontal attacks. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why should this guy get Hell Employee of the Month? All you gotta do is sneak around him and give his ass a spanking.” First off, no. We’re gonna have to call HR if you do that. Second off, these guys know the value of teamwork. If you try to sneak around a Greatshield’s greatshield, then his Greatshield friends will serve as a great shield against flanking attacks. Satre was right, “Hell is other people.” Hell of a good team!
8. Tisiphone
Now we’re getting into the legacy hires, the people who have paid their dues with the company. Tisiphone eats, sleeps, and breathes her job, so much so that “murder” is the only word that she can say! If the constant dash attacks and lunges weren’t enough, Tisiphone is even able to shrink the arena in order to better land attacks. That’s just the kind of outside the Pandora’s Box thinking that Hell needs! Girlboss alert!
7. The Bone Hydra
When facing a tough problem at the office, two heads are better than one! Looks like The Bone Hydra got the memo; he’s got a million of them! Just when you think that you’ve killed off one head, two more circle back around like they’ve all been CC’d on the same infernal email chain! And those little heads sure know how to fire of an email! And by “email,” I mean fireballs that turn the stage into a bullet hell! You can never have enough hell! Even in hell! Good job, Bone Hydra. You and your heads deserve a pizza party.
6. Megaera
Megaera is the kind of aggressive go-getter that Hell needs! When she sees a problem, she attacks it nonstop! Even after it’s dead! Megaera doesn’t let up with her attack flurries and lunges, and if she doesn’t get you, her demon subordinates will! Megaera is a shoo-in for Hell’s Employee of the Month because she goes above and beyond in the line of duty! When one of her sisters is under attack, sometimes she’ll just jump right in the ring with her! And when that happens, she’s unstoppable! Literally, she can’t be killed.
5. Tiny Vermin
For such a little guy, he’s sure capable of doing big things for Hell! The Tiny Vermin is actually the King Vermin, and he’s earned his title. Every single attack this little guy makes poisons you. Every. Single. Attack. Now THAT is consistency! He has his enemies practically falling all over themselves to get to Curing Pools! The Tiny Vermin is one tough cookie and boasts a health bar of over ten thousand. Where does it all fit!?
4. Charon
Charon is more than just a regular old infernal merchant. He’s also got a side hustle! He’s a secret boss! What a go-getter! If you choose to “borrow” from one of his bags of money, you’ll trigger this optional battle, and you’ll wish you hadn’t! His boat oar hits as hard as the best of the Furies, and he’s got a health bar of over 16,000! When it comes to dealing with the Boatman of Hades, the old adage is proven true: “neither a borrower or a lender be.” If you know what’s good for you.
3. Alecto
The Furies are star employees. Best in their fields. Highly qualified team members. But Alecto stands head and shoulders above the rest. Alecto didn’t get the memo about leaving emotions outside of the workplace, and the workplace is better for it! Her “Rage” bar builds whenever she takes an attack. The angrier she gets, the more powerful she gets! Alecto gets exponentially harder the longer the fight goes on, and when her Rage meter is full, she’s totally invincible! What a star!
2. Theseus and the Minotaur
Theseus and the Minotaur have a little nickname at the office, the “run killers.” This pair has singlehandedly (doublehandedly?) dashed more “no death” playthrough dreams than (almost) any other employee in Hell! Some say they were trained by veteran demon duo Ornstein and Smough from Dark Soul, and it shows! This pair fights every enemy they face two-on-one, turning the office into a fast-paced environment with lots of multitasking! Let’s hope you actually thrive in that kind of workspace and didn’t just lie on your resume!
1. Hades
Hades is the CEO of Hell, so he doesn’t really count as an “employee” and can’t win the award. You don’t think he heard me, do you? Please don’t tell him I said that. Delete the Slack history. Please.
Considering the game is named after Hades himself, OF COURSE he’s gonna be Employee of the Month! Year! All Time! The gods sure saved the best at being the worst for last! The boss battle with the boss is punishing. Hades hits HARD and has a special ability that allows him to lower your defenses each time he hits, making each following hit hit HARDER. That’s what we like to call closing the deal! Players have thrown themselves up against the boss’s might hundreds of times, only to be brutally smacked down! That’s what the workforce needs: MORE DISCIPLINE. MORE EXPLODING SKULLS. MORE FLAMING DEATH RAYS. A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS.
(featured image: Supergiant Games)
