*You are walking down the streets of New York City, when you are accosted by the most ambiguously European, androgynous, and best dressed person you have ever seen*
You zere!
Look at you. HOW are you even going outzide like zat? I simply cahNOT allow it.
Yes I am aware zat it is time for “fall fashun” but zat does not give you ze excuse to try yourself like un garbage bag full of leaves! It won’t do. It simply will not do AH TULL!
You need 10cc of zhuzhing STAT. You need le INSPIRATION. I vil show you lewks. I vil show you what is haute. I vil show you ze meaning of couture. Ven I am thru with you, you vill look better zen all das girlies of Blackpink COMBINED. Come vif me, love, we will make you look like un BIG STAR.
Vy should you trust my opinion? Because I learned EVERYZING I know from ze VERY BEST DRESSED people in ze world. Who, you ask? Karl Lagerfeld? Pshaw! Zat man could not dress his way out of le paper bag. No, no, no. I learned from ze very finest. People who are zo fashunable zat zey do not EVEN EXIST. Because if ze did, zey would burn ze eyes of ze world through zere sheer radiance. Non, zees charactuers are from das anime. Und ze are ze very best dressed people in a medium zat is all about being how you say … impeccable.
Utena Tenjou (Revolutionary Girl Utena)
LOOK at Miss Untena. She is a STAR. She is le’ Revolutionary Girl Utena and she would not be constrained by ze foolish “rules” of her school and wear ze uniform for ze femmes! Nien, she wears the boy uniform, and she looks le’ smashing! But she does not wear ze regular boys uniform, because miss Utena does NOT conform. Her uniform is le noir colored. Black as ze night!
Und look! Look at ze accouterment! Look at ze accessories! She has ze ever so stylish epaulettes on her shoulders because she is ein WARRIOR. And look! Look at ze maroon or perhaps even burgundy color of ze lining of her jacket! It is red zo her enemies will not see her bleed if she is cut! And do not even get me le’ started on ze HAIR. ZE PINK. AH. LIKE ZE GUMS OF A KITTEN. WHO IS HER COLORIST? I SIMPLY MUST KNOW!
And my, my ze divine androgyny she adds to the outfit with the addition of le’ shorts! She does not wear ze foolish pants of le’ men! No, no, she shows her beautiful legs zat glisten in the sunlight and lead all ze way down to her adorable little shoes! Which MATCH her three color outfit le’ perfectly! Ah, it is so beautiful. I vill cry now.
Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop)
Ahhhhhh, Mister Spike of ze Spiegels! From Cowboy Bebop! He is … ‘ow you say? So very cool. He has perhaps one of ze simplest of ze anime outfits, but it is no less FASHUN zen even ze finest of fineries. Indeed every man on ze Earth looks good in le’ suit. But it is so ‘ard to make le’ suit different from other le’ suits. If it is not unique zen it cannot truly be le fashun. Le couture.
But Mister Spike Spiegel, he has found le’ way! He found le’ suit zat is so simple yet so unique! Ze suit does not button in ze tired old way vit ze three buttons in ze center. Le’ suit du Spike has two buttons on ze side so zey button across his muscular body. And ze little bit of fabric zat hangs over ze front of ze jacket? Marvelous! Zimply marvelous!
But does Spike zen say “ah my fashun is done, I will now wear ze boring white button down underneath?” NO! He wears un button down ze color of ze mustard! Le’ Big Bird! Le’ Gros Oiseau! Indeed, yellow iz ein color zat gets … how you say … le’ bad rap. People zink it is ‘le ugly. BUT NO! ZERE LACK OF IMAGINATION IS ‘LE UGLY. YELLOW IS ZE COLOR OF ZE SUN. ZE THING ZAT MAKES ZE PLANTS LE’ GROW AND ZEN WE MAKE ZE CLOTHES FROM ZERE BODIES SO ZE FASHUN IS POSSIBLE! Yellow is ze sacred color in fashun, and Mister Spike understands zis.
Ryuk (Death Note)
Ah, Mister Ryuk! De la’ Death Note. He is le’ fashion ICON! People like to zey zat Miss Nana Osaki or Miss Misa Amane are ze finest examples of le’ fashun gothic. BUT NOT. ZEY WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT LE’CONTRIBUTION OF MISTER RYUK. Indeed, Mister Ryuk iz ze gran pa-pa of ze dark anime fashun! LOOK at him! See ze beautiful obzidion shirt, ze collar of which he has stitched INTO HIS SKIN. Or perhaps it IS he le’ skin! We shall never know! But it is gorgeous ze way a moonless night is!
And ze FRINGE of ze shirt! Like ze feathers of a great raven! Or like ze fur of le’ hounds of hell! Le Cerberus! It is magnificent. And zen we move down to ze belt! So big! So large! Like he is ze winner of ze world championship of ze wrestling! He is le’ spooky Randy Savage! And ze chains that fall from ze belt! I wish to be tied up in zos chains and beaten with za fashun like a bad little dog!
Zen ze perfect tight rock and roll pant and ze little boots! So charming! So le’ cute! But in le ‘scary way! And now we get to ze accessories! Ah yes! ze rings! Ze dangly earrings with ze little skull! To remind us all that le’ death is inescapable and we must all live le’ life only once, so we must look as good as possible while doing it!
Violet Evergarden (Violet Evergarden)
OH ZE ROMANCE! OH ZE BEAUTY! OH ZE MELANCHOLY AND ZE ENNUI! Miss Violet Evergarden of ze Violet Evergarden is ZE MOST LOVELIEST ROSE IN LE’ EVERGARDEN. Oh ze dress! White as snow like ze purity of her heart! Oh le jacket! Blue like ze many tears zat she has cried for her beloved commander! Oh ze green broach! Green as ze envy zat ze femmes fell for her impeccable beauty! Oh le’ gloves! Like sweet dark chocolate zat hides ze terrible bitter metal of her killing hands underneath! Oh ze boots! Red like ze blood of ze many men whomst she destroyed in le’ gran combat when she was le’ solider long ago!
Oh Violet! Among ze high Himalayan peaks of ze fashun you are le’ Everest! And when ze lonely wind ruffles ze folds of your beautiful dress we cry for you! For your beauty and your loneliness! We are but ants, and your are ze giantess of ze fashun! Le couture! You alone are haute as ze sun on ze summer day! I see you and I le’ tremble. LE’ TREMBLE! Ve can make ‘zis poor human I found on ze street look le’ good. Even le’ great. But zey shall never be le’ YOU. We are all just le’ garbage bags of ze leaves in your presence. WE WORSHIP YOU AS OUR GOD.
(featured image: Kyoto Animation)
