Bad Gamer Part 21: What Happens If You Play Through Dragon Age: Inquisition Like a Total Jerk?

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Exalted Plains:

Early the next morning, I’m woken up by Josephine and an entourage of servants to dress me. Though I scowl, there’s really little I can do under Josephine’s watchful, calculating eye. She tells me I’ve been summoned to the Exalted Plains to help with a few problems because apparently nothing in Thedas can be accomplished without my direct involvement. I might as well have done an entire tour by now, helping each individual person with their insignificant problems one by one while Corypheus destroys the world, but I digress.

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When we arrive, Scout Harding tells me I need to help the Imperial Army retake control of this region from the Freeman of the Dales, a free roaming pack of soldiers with no real political affiliation beyond ”not the Inquisition and not Celene”. Lovely. Why couldn’t our soldiers deal with them? Bull must have seen my face, because he passes me a sneaky drink from his pack and smacks me on the arse. While it’s a nice gesture, I’m going to need a whole lot more than that to get through the remainder of my day. I make a mental note to lose the rest of the party at some point and find a place for Bull and I to deal with my frustration.

We discover a tomb and desecrate it as per usual, unleashing a slew of demons for us to use as target practice, close some rifts, find references to Fen’Harel (the Dread Wolf) everywhere, and somehow stumble upon a Dalish camp. What are the Dalish doing here? Considering the bandits and the Freemen of the Dales, I’d have set up camp elsewhere, no matter how strong the connection to our past the Exalted Plains has.

Dorian thinks that the Dalish camp is “quaint”. I think Dorian needs to shut the fuck up. Ordinarily I might have told this lot to piss off or hold on while I finish up with Corypheus and his ilk, but these are still my people no matter if they’re a different clan. They need me.

Apparently they’d wanted the demons gone from the tomb we desecrated, but uh—they didn’t want it desecrated. Oops. At least the demons are gone? The Keeper shakes his head and waves us away into the camp. We meet an Elf who desperately wants to join the fight but eh, I don’t really care that much. It’s one Elf, and besides, he’s been forbidden from joining the Inquisition by their Keeper.

I’m suddenly bored by their small problems and move on, determined to get this area under control again and fast. By the time I return to Skyhold, we should know where Corypheus is gathering his forces. At least, this is what Leliana has promised me. We come across Corporal Rosselin fighting the undead, which has clearly become a large problem in the Plains. The undead are rising from pits protected by magical barriers and demons. Er, lovely. Did I mention I’d rather be back in my bed at Skyhold? We take care of it for the Corporal and give his men their base of operations back against the Freemen.

Throughout the Plains, there are more and more ramparts that need retaking, which we manage to accomplish fairly easily. This isn’t a major problem. It’s just dull. The problem is that each time we sound the horn to announce the danger is gone and the Imperial army return, I’m feeling less and less pleased by my work. The Imperials are a bunch of whiny babies: many of them spend their time complaining that they don’t like waiting to die. What? Since when is that an attitude to take when I just won several victories for you? And anyway, where were you all hiding while the undead were roaming the Plains and attacking innocent and unarmed civilians? Piss babies.

I lead us to Fort Revasan to find out what the ever loving fuck is going on and why things in the Plains have been so idiotically managed. These men need to end this bloody civil war and get back to fighting Corypheus’ forces. Marshal Proulx greets me when I step through the gates, and I tell him the civil war has already been ended. Oh, and I did that too, just for the record. I order them to stop fighting one another immediately. He accepts that they were in the wrong to support Grand Duke Gaspard and that they must face the consequences. The consequences are: fighting Corypheus! We need everyone and their grandmothers out there wielding a sword. He asks me to go check in with a river garrison. At first I think I’ll just ignore the request and leave the garrison to it, but when I see the tell-tale signs of two rifts in the area, I don’t really have much of a choice. We close the rift inside the garrison and just on the other side, down near the river, but surprise, surprise none of the soldiers seem particularly grateful for our hard work. Fuck them.

There’s a fort, Citadelle Du Corbeau, on the other side of the river, but the Pont Agur bridge leading to it is broken. Apparently it’s been cut off from everything for some time. I order Inquisition forces to repair the bridge as much as they can, then move on. As I march us down the road, I wonder why no one inside the fort has bothered to repair the bridge if they’re so cut off from everything? Were they worried about the civil war? If so, they’re a bunch of cowards.

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A Scout arrives to tell me they’ve secured the route into Ghilan’nain’s Grove, an area previously blocked off by rock and debris. There’s supposedly a dragon back here and definitely another rift. The Stormrider dragon is indeed here, and it’s a shame to kill such a lovely looking beast, but I can hardly get Bull to step away. Besides, if I left it here and someone got hurt, I know I’d end up getting the blame for it somehow.

Once the dragon is dealt with, it’s back to the Pont Agur bridge where Inquisition forces have repaired the gap. I wonder what we’ll find left of Celene’s troops at Citadelle Du Corbeau. I’ve gone no more than five steps and already there are undead rising to greet us. We make our way to the very top of the Citadelle, avoiding the seemingly out of control defense system and the hordes of undead. We deactivate the defense systems and demand the soldiers open the gate.

At first, they don’t trust me and then some bright spark in the back recognizes us. Yes, we’re the Inquisition. Yes, you’re all morons for not taking ten steps to your right to deactivate the defenses and send a scout running for help. Let us in, or I’ll break down the gates myself. Thankfully, they crank the gate open and soldiers usher us inside. Commander Jehan thanks me for my help. I tell her the war is over and that Celene is safe. I almost add that this is just because of my hard work, but Dorian gives me this look as if he knows what I’m thinking and shakes his head. Not diplomatic to boast about my accomplishments? Hah! Contradictory fool. I tell Jehan its time to get back to work, and leave to head back to Skyhold.

Emma Fissenden is a writer of all trades. When she’s not pushing through her next rewrite, she’s playing too many games and working as the Editor in Chief of @noblegasqrtly. You can find her on Twitter @efissenden, or check out her other series for TMS, Game Changer.

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