The Major Awards Ranked By How Good They Would Be as Murder Weapons
It's not about prestige, but lethality
Tonight is the Emmy awards, and if you’re like me you’ll be watching with excitement and trepidation to see if anyone impales themselves or their date on with the wings of that shiny, gold, angel lady. It’s a wonder no one has seriously injured themselves with an Emmy, lately, or any other award. Which got us wondering. Say you’re a star with a wall of trophies to choose from and an intruder, or worse, a screenwriter or rival burst in you home, what do you use? If you had to pick a major award as a murder weapon, which would be best? We examined all the factors to find out.
Disclaimer: Neither The Mary Sue nor it’s parent companies or writers endorse murder. We just think if you’re going to kill someone with an award statuette, you should do it right.
(1/10 lethality score)
You’d have to work to kill someone with a Grammy. It’s not terribly big and there aren’t even any pointy part. The one advantage to a Grammy as a weapon is that a lot of them are given out, so the police might have trouble connecting the weapon to a suspect.
The Tony Award
(3/10 lethality score)
The Tony isn’t very big, and it isn’t very pointy. There’s a good spot to grip but someone would really have to WORK to get that baby to do any damage – but if anyone could do it, it would be someone with the passion and power of a Broadway actor. They don’t call them triple threats for nothing.
The Golden Globe
(4/10 leathality score)
The Globe is indeed the poor man’s Oscar in prestige and in terms of it’s usefulness in a confrontation. Like the Tony, it’s got a nice place to grip, and that marble base has some weight. But those smooth edges up on top – not effective. And really, why would you reach for a Globe if you have anything else around?
The People’s Choice
Old school (6/10 lethality) New – (3/10)
The old people’s choice awards trophies were huge and made of glass, and while a few of them looked like vaginas, they were also heavy and pointy and would probably make a pretty good improvised killing machines. The new design? Looks more like a sex toy, but it would make a pretty good cudgel in a pinch if you were really angry.
(Lethality score: 8/10)
Not only is the Oscar the most prestigious award in film, it would make a great club to take out Colonel Mustard in the drawing room. This baby is easy to hold and weighs in at a whopping eight pounds! You do need to be careful to use the non-engraved part of the base when taking out your victim though: you wouldn’t want it stamped on someone’s skull and have the authorities know your name or that you won for The Revenant when your best performance was clearly The Departed.
(lethality score: 10/10)
You knew this was where we’d end up. Not only is this thing huge and pointy, but it has a proven track record of hurting people already! In one of my favorite bits of Emmy lore, Don Adam of Get Smart returned to his table after winning, put down his statuette and kept waving to the room. His wife pulled him back down to his seat which resulted in Adam’s skewering himself in the chin with his award and bleeding all over the ballroom. Now, obviously that’s not murder, but it’s close enough for this award to get our pick for the most dangerous statuette out there.
We hope this stays on your mind as you watch the Emmys tonight and, like us, pray that no one trips.
(featured image: Academy of Television Arts and Sciences)
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