Author of ‘The Control Code’ reveals seven relationship red flags based on a study of 68 men who murdered their partners

“Manipulative” and “narcissist” are words that have virtually lost their meaning given how frequently they’re used to label relationships on TikTok. But Lindsay Stoker, a court reporter who wrote a book on control and manipulation, talked about seven relationship red flags—patterns taken from a study involving 68 men who murdered their partners.

“What can a bunch of incarcerated men who murdered their wives tell us about the biggest lethality indicators in relationships?” This was the question Stoker started with before she began dissecting the study. Spoiler alert: none of the warning signs involve physical abuse.

According to Stoker, the researchers in the 2025 study she referenced were conducted in prisons. They met with men who killed their partners. They essentially asked the prisoners how they got away with the crime—how it happened, what they did, and how nobody was able to stop it from happening. Interestingly, the study spanned nine countries in Latin America, which shows that it’s not an isolated phenomenon.

“One, they isolated her from her people—her friends and family. Two, they gaslit her about her own reality. Three, they restricted her ability to work. Four, they vilified her to anyone outside of the relationship—her friends, her family, her therapist, his friends. Five, they built alliances with other men who would back his story. Six, they controlled her body, what she ate, how she dressed, whether she could leave the house. And seven, they controlled their access to healthcare.”

“These are the documented tactics that men used in the months and years before they murdered their partners,” Stoker said, adding, “And every single one of them is non-violent.”

Why did the men kill their partners?

Not one of these indicators showed acts of physical abuse. A popular anecdote would say that if a man hits a woman, she should run. But what if the tactics are far more covert? Stoker referenced another study by David Adams. He also interviewed inmates in the United States who killed their wives.

“He asked them what kind of men they thought they were. The most common type that emerged is what he called ‘possessively jealous,‘” Stoker said. These are not “mentally ill” or unpredictable men. Rather, they’re men who viewed their partners as their property.

In his study, Adams mentioned that these ‘possessively jealous’ men were “the most common” type of killers.

“So, the killers told us what to look for. The patterns are documented. The early warnings are there,” Stoker concluded. But what if these relationships are repackaged as acts of “love”? How are women supposed to remove their rose-tinted glasses and actually spot the red flags?

How to spot red flags in relationships

Stoker acknowledged the difficulty in spotting the warning signs, as they’re often disguised as concern and love. But she advised, “If you find yourself defending him to other people by quoting the wrapper? That’s the frame doing its job. It’s doing its job on you, for him, and on everyone watching.”

Essentially, if people strip the actions of their justifications, it would be clearer to see that they are manipulation and control tactics. Another tip Stoker gave us to understand what is inside the wrapper. Even if the partner says it’s done out of “care,” the function may be isolation.

What makes these manipulative people so effective is their ability to convince their victims that they are “overthinking” the situation. Some victims would even resort to defending their abusers to themselves to justify the cruelty. But it takes discernment to spot the abuse—to see that actions and their effects can determine whether or not it’s love or entitlement.

Social media was terrified of Stoker’s words. One TikTok commenter wrote, “Am I single? Yes. Did I watch all of this? Yes. Will I be getting in a relationship? No thank u.”

But Stoker isn’t out to put anyone off from dating. Rather, she’s teaching women how to be safe in their relationships. In a dating market saturated with entitlement, her advice surely comes in handy.

(featured image: Alena Darmel)

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