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The Best Scary Movies to Watch On Shudder According to an Expert—A Withered, Old Crone You Just Met

old woman giving thumbs up in V/H/S 99 trailer

*The door creaks open and you are greeted by a withered old crone*

Ooh? Who is this poor little creature darkening my doorstep? Come in dearie, come in! Quickly now, before you catch your death of cold!

My my, quite a storm out there. Haven’t seen a squall like this since I was a little girl! Maaaaaaany years ago. He! He! He!

What’s that you say? Car trouble? That’s quite a shame, dearie. Aren’t many mechanics who venture out into these woods at this hour of the night. Looks like you’ll have to wait ’til morning! Don’t you worry your pretty little head! I’ve got a guest room where you can rest your weary bones! No trouble a’tall!

No trouble at all…

Why don’t you take off that soaking wet jacket of yours and take a seat on the sofa! I’ll put on a cup of tea. You’ve come at the perfect time, dearie. I was just in the middle of one of my little rituals. A very special ritual that I only do when the moon is full.

Do you want to know what it is…?

It’s a movie marathon! That’s what it is! Put on a cup of tea, dust off the ol’ boob tube, and watch all my favorite movies on Shudder! Horror movies mind you, I simply can’t get enough of them! They remind me of when I was young and pretty… like you. I would hide under cars at drive-ins or peer through the windows of houses and watch them! Nothing gets the blood pumping quite like… horror does it?

No indeed, dearie. No indeed…

Oh there’s the kettle! I’ll be right back. In the meantime I’ll put the first movie on!

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night

(image: Vice Films)

Ohhh this is one of my favorite films! Look, look! Isn’t the location interesting? It takes place in Iran! I’ve never been, but I’ve heard wonderful things about their tea. It concerns a pretty young thing like yourself who is actually a vampire! So fun! She wanders the street looking for unpleasant men to eat! Oh look there she goes now! She just bit off that pimp’s finger! Ehehehe now she’s sucking his blood! Wonderful! Wonderful! But look! Then she meets a nice young man! Oh my, isn’t this scene romantic? They’re just gazing into each other’s eyes listening to music! And I love this song! C’mon dearie, dance with me! You’re only young once! Oh no, I wonder how this film is going to end? Do you think that she’s going to eat him as well? I should think not! Would be a waste of a handsome, sweet man. Like I always say, learn to hold on to a good thing when you’ve got it! Sometimes fate is kind, and sometimes it is… cruel. But enough of my babbling! Let’s finish the movie! Oh look at that cute little cat!

The House of The Devil

samantha in The House of the Devil
(image: MPI Media Group)

Quite a film wasn’t it, dearie? So witheringly romantic! And that ending! So mysterious…no no! It’s not time for bed yet! Let’s watch another!

This is one of my favorite films! Look, dearie, look! The girl in this film starts just like how you did! Showing up at a strange old house in the middle of nowhere! What a coincidence! Oh my, this film is so very suspenseful. Lots of long, spooky shots where you think something could… jump out at you and eat you up….

But it doesn’t! Well… not for a little while… Oh the suspense does quite a number on my old ticker! I don’t know about you, dearie, but I think there’s a little more to the gentleman who lives in that house than meets the eye… didn’t he say that his mother lived in that house? He’s quite an old man himself, she must be ancient… I wonder why they brought her there. The man said it was to look after his mother… but what exactly does this mysterious family have in mind? I won’t spoil it, dearie. Let’s watch and find out!

The Babadook

(image: Umbrella Entertainment)

How was that for an ending dearie? Quite a twist I must say! And a clever little callback to the days of Satanic panic! Those were… good times weren’t they…? What? You’re not bothering me at all! You must stay down here. In fact, I insist on it. I like having company for my…hobbies.

Anywhoddle! Onto the next film! This little number is about a woman whose husband is killed in an accident while he was driving her to the hospital. She was in labor with her son! Fast forward six years and the little boy is a terror. She’s having quite a hard time with him, isn’t she? You know, in a way you could say that he’s the reason why her husband died. If he had never been born, her husband would still be alive…

Glad I never had any children! He! He! He!

Oh look, dearie! The little boy found a curious little book in his bookshelf! That wasn’t there before! It’s called The Babadook and it’s about a nasty man with claws for fingers who likes to hurt little children who know about him! Why would anyone want to hurt a little child? Perhaps if they resent them. Perhaps if they secretly blame them for something. Perhaps if they hate them. Why indeed…?

Perhaps the Babadook is more real than this little boy and his mother thought after all…



Laurie not realizing Michael is in the shadows in Halloween
(image: Compass internation pictures)

Oh dearie me! That was quite a movie! And what a beautiful little study of the nature of grief and acceptance. I love when horror movies have something more to say than just reminding human beings about how fragile their lives are and how easily they can be deprived of them… Which brings us to our next movie that says exactly that! You look so tired! Make see to drink your black tea, that will keep you nice and alert. Now, where were we? Ah, yes!

Halloween is a classic, dearie. Surely you must have seen it! YOU HAVEN’T? OHHHH DEARIE YOU’RE IN FOR QUITE A TREAT! I’m pressing Play!

What an amazing opening scene this is! One of the most famous in horror movie history! A POV shot of the killer with a delicious twist at the end! Shows what made the killer a killer after all! I love a good backstory! Oooh time jump!

Such a quaint little suburban town! How could anything bad happen here? Well unfortunately for the townsfolk there’s a deranged killer that just escaped from the local mental asylum and he’s headed right this way! Not exactly a nuanced look at mental health, is it? But it was the 70s! Everybody was crazy! You can only imagine the things I did….

Oh, these young people! They never learn, do they? Look out! Michael Meyers is gonna get’cha! I wouldn’t go in that house little Jamie Lee Curtis! I don’t think your friends are inside! And if they are… I don’t think they’ll be alive for very much longer!


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

sally screaming her head off in the texas cahinaw massacre
Image credit: Vortex

My oh my! Wasn’t that a thrill? Oh dearie, you’re looking a bit peaked! So pale! You’re as white as a sheet! A ghost! A corpse

Well have another cup of tea and get your strength up! It’s almost dawn, and we have only one more movie left to get through. But be warned, dearie. It’s a doozy. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Perhaps one of the greatest horror films ever made!

Uh-oh! More young people! It never does end up well for them does it? Well, luckily this group of kids is really unlikable! Downright annoying! Except for the little blonde girl. She reminds me of you, dearie! I do hope she survives…

One could say that this group is cursed from the start! After that creepy little conversation they had about their horoscope saying that Saturn was in an evil place in the sky. And then they pick up this hitch hiker! Look he’s positively batty! He’s cutting himself with a pocket knife! He says he has a family. Do you think these kids are going to be acquainted with them sometime soon? I do! He said that his family worked in a slaughterhouse. That means they’re quite good at butchering meat. I wonder if they still practice the trade? And I wonder what sort of creatures they practice it on? Cattle? Pigs? Maybe a different kind of meat entirely… we’ll just have to find out, won’t we dearie?

Oh what a thrilling movie that was! And that ending! One of the most famous of all time! The infamous “chainsaw dance”! Makes me want to bust a move myself if you know what I mean…

Well, dearie it looks like the dawn has finally come! My, my. I haven’t had this much fun in ages! You should be able to call a mechanic now! But dearie before you go, promise me that you’ll return one of these days! We’ll have another movie night soon! Maybe this time we can watch them in my basement with all the lights out… We can padlock the doors so we won’t be disturbed…

And then we can play air hockey! I just got a new table! It’s so much fun! Good, clean, innocent fun!

The pucks are made of human teeth…

So long, dearie! Come again soon!

(Featured images: Shudder/Vortex)

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Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.