Itachi from Naruto
(Viz Media)

The Best Anime Characters Who Are Definitely Geminis

This is the month of September, and you all know what that means…

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If you have sex RIGHT NOW, your baby will be a Gemini.

Yes, it’s true, in nine short months, Gemini season will be upon us, and everyone who was down bad in September will be reaping the Gemini fruits of their labor (quite literally) in June. Sometimes Geminis get a bad wrap, we get it. But if you’re considering jumping into bed (or a motel room, or the backseat of a car idk) and making a Gemini yourself, here’s a list of our favorite Geminis from anime that you can use to smother your little June baby under the weight of unrealistic parental expectations.

Itachi Uchiha

(image creditL Pierrot)

Itachi Uchiha is the perfect choice to use as a role model to beat your little Gemini over the head with and make them suffer from the crippling anxiety and depression brought about by comparison. For one, Itachi is a prodigy, a literal genius. He passed the grueling chunin exams at age 10 and became an elite member of the Anbu Black Ops (basically the Seal Team Six of Naruto) by age 11. Meanwhile, your little Gemini will probably still be learning how to tie their shoes. Don’t worry, tiger! You’ll get it! You better if you don’t want to be an embarrassing disappointment to everyone you love! While Itachi has a bit a of checkered past (i.e. murdering his entire family), he ended up being one of the most talented shinobi of his generation. Sure, he spent most of his life working for the evil ninja organization known as the Akatsuki, but it was all a cover so he could spy on the organization and protect his village. Wow! He’s talented, smart, and brave! And unless crying in the corner is a talent, I bet your little Gemini is none of these things! Itachi was also a selfless person, and only murdered his family in order to protect his little brother from clan warfare and the machinations of his seriously fucked up Anbu commander, Danzo. I won’t tell your little Gemini this though, as they might try to kill you in your sleep, to spare themselves from all the needless pressure you’re putting them under.

Shinji Ikari

(image credit: Gainax)

Speaking of crippling parental pressure, I’d like to introduce our next Gemini on this list: Neon Genesis Evangelion‘s very own, Shinji Ikari. Due to his asshole father, Shinji Ikari has made some pretty staggering achievements for humanity. Like what you ask? Well, after Shinji’s mother died in a giant robot experiment gone wrong (which Shinji saw, mind you), Shinji’s dad, Gendo, decided to use his own son to pilot a biomechanical robot in order to fight dangerous extraterrestrial beings known as “Angels.” And Shinji beat a lot of them too! Meanwhile, your little Gemini probably couldn’t even beat an egg! Go ahead, throw a couple eggs at them and see how they react! If they cry, you could always just get another (and no, I don’t mean another egg!)

Shinji is totally fearless, mostly because he thinks that there isn’t anyone in the world who cares whether he lives or dies. Now that’s parenting! If you want your kid to be tough enough to stand up against interdimensional alien beings, start ignoring them, and then sell them off to a government agency (that you run) for excruciating human testing. It’s called “tough love,” look it up. If they don’t die, they’ll get used to it! They’ll probably even thank you someday. Who doesn’t want to be a savior of humanity, after all?

All Might

(image credit: bones)

Saving humanity at the cost of one’s own well-being is the perfect segue into the next Gemini character on this list: the hero known as All Might. All Might is as tough as they come, he’s strong enough to pick up a skyscraper! Your little Gemini probably can’t even pick themselves up off the floor, can they? But don’t let his physique fool you, he’s actually super unhealthy! After fighting the world’s most powerful force of evil, All Might sustained grievous harm to his internal organs. He vomits blood, like, all the time. Your little Gemini probably throws up blood too, but for less acceptable reasons, like “anxiety,” for instance. What you need to do is to take your sweet little June baby by the hand, hoist them up lovingly into your arms, and throw them to the wolves like they did in ancient Sparta. That’ll make them tough. Not as tough as All Might, sure. But it’s a start. Nobody ever became the best of the best without a little pain, right? And wolf teeth can cause a lot of pain.

Satoru Gojo

(image credit: MAPPA)

Now, if you really want to show your little Gemini what it means to be the best of the best, take it from this all-around Gemini badass: Satoru Gojo. Satoru Gojo is the best sorcerer in Jujutsu Kaisen. Why? Because he is. I’ve only seen the anime, and it’s never explained. But I have a couple of guesses. See, in life, sometimes people are just better at things than other people. Maybe it’s because of their genes, maybe it’s because God just likes them more. But whatever it is, you need to make sure to tell your little Gemini that they are not one of these talented exceptions. They are the rule. The talentless, mediocre rule. And if they want to be good at anything, they have to work for it 100% of the time. Things like friends and birthday parties are reserved only for winners. People like Saturo Gojo get to have friends and birthday parties because they are winners. If you want your little June bug to be a winner, you need to remind them that they’re a loser every day. You need to break them down in order to build them back up into the image of success that you, yourself, could never be. THAT is parenting. It’s also the reason Satoru Gojo doesn’t have kids. He’s successful so he doesn’t need them to feel good about himself. You do.

Alfonse Elric

(image credit: bones)

I’ve been saving this key piece of information for last, but in order to make your little Gemini as successful as they can be, you have to make sure they love you. Only then will they do whatever you ask of them in the hopes of earning your love in return. Should you ever give them love in return? Never! Should you make them think that you will? Always! The promise of love for your child is the carrot you hang just out of their reach, as you ride them like a donkey into new horizons of success. But how can you be sure that your child loves you? Well, nothing says “I love you” like trying to bring a loved one back from the dead through a dark alchemical ritual, right? Full Metal Alchemist‘s Alfonse Elric was a little Gemini who loved his dead mother so much that he and his brother tried to bring her back using a blasphemous magical rite that was an affront to both God and nature. It ended up costing him his living flesh in the process and causing his soul to be bonded to a suit of cold, dead armor. Now that is a sacrifice made for love. So here’s an idea: fake your own horrible, bloody death and leave a fake magical Grimoire out on the kitchen table, opened to the page “Black Magic Resurrection Spell”. Make sure the instructions for the resurrection spell require your little Gemini to do something really loving like amputate a finger or bite off a toe. That way, when you wake up and shout “SUPRISE!” after they’ve finished mutilating themselves you know that they really loved you all along. And that you’re never going to leave them ever again.

Featured image credit: Pierrot


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Author
Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.