I’ve called 2016 everything from a dumpster fire to a garbage sandwich on shit bread, and it’s been all of those things. Sure, there have been good things too, and we could regale you with end-of-the-year “Best of” lists, but…well, you know how it’s always easier to remember the bad stuff? And how, you could have a million people compliment you, but it only takes one douchebag with an insult to ruin your whole week? Yeah, it’s like that. So, here’s a list of media from 2016 that the staff here at TMS wishes we could unsee.
Literally the Entire Internet, Just Take It Away, Wipe It All Down, Give It Back to Al Gore or Those People on Halt and Catch Fire, We Don’t Care, Seriously, Please
I don’t know if it was the actual 2016 US Presidential election, or the slow, steady arrival of corporate-funded fascism worldwide long before that. Or, maybe it’s just the inevitable thing that happens when you give humanity the gift of on-demand communication and information. Apparently, it took until 2016 to realize that we, as a species, just can’t handle it. 2016 has proved a banner year for internet bullshittery — usually in the name of political causes.
Or alternately, in the name of people who are “tired of talking about politics” and can’t we please go back to a simpler time of cat photos and internet quizzes even though the world is on fire?
People telling other people how to grieve or not grieve. People all across the political spectrum leaving comments on websites and on social media that discount the humanity of the person to whom the comments are directed, and not only about politics. Literally any topic was fair game this year for pitting “us” against “them” in one way or another.
And yes, I get the irony of writing this to you on an online pop culture site. At the same time, it makes perfect sense that we’d be able to comment on this, because…well…have you seen the backend of our website? The comments we see back there would make your hair stand on end! And listen, we make mistakes, too. We’re all complicit in this, though I’d like to think that we do well more often than we fail.
So yeah, we wish we could unsee the internet. However, it seems like it’s here to stay, so let’s just say we could all stand to do a little better and constantly remind ourselves that the people with whom we’re interacting on the internet are indeed people. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you just met at a party, you probably shouldn’t say it in a comment thread.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Except the Parts Wonder Woman and Lois Lane Were In
I don’t know what was worse about this movie: its way over-the-top take on Batman/Bruce Wayne (not a comment on Batffleck’s performance, rather on the writing and direction), or its convoluted plot. But, for me, Batman v Superman was only any good at all in the brief, shining moments we got to see Gal Gadot making her debut as Wonder Woman, or Amy Adams being an actually active and helpful Lois Lane. The rest of the movie could’ve burned down, as far as I’m concerned.
TMS’ Lesley Coffin didn’t even find that much to redeem this film when she reviewed it for us:
“I gave Fantastic Four 1½ stars, which might even have been a little high. I almost said 1½ stars with Batman v Superman, but on the train home at 10PM last night, I compared the two. If playing “would you rather,” the reason this movie gets a 1 star is I can see myself someday sitting through Fantastic Four again (probably with friends and a glass of wine), but I will never, ever waste my time with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice again.”
She also said that sitting through Batman v Superman left her “feeling like I’d had just been yelled at by someone I don’t know on a bus.” Ouch.
So, yeah. We definitely wish we could unsee this one. But we can’t wait for Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman! Thanks in advance, 2017!
Independence Day: Resurgence, Or, Why Do You Even Exist If You’re Not Going to Step Up Your Game?
Ah, yes. The sequel no one really asked for and that not much of America saw (the film, which had a $165 million budget only made a little over $103 million, making most of its money internationally).
This was one of the last films our beloved Carolyn Cox reviewed before she moved on to greener pastures, and she really said it best:
“There’s a good movie buried somewhere in Independence Day: Resurgence. Amidst the clunky exposition and embarrassing callbacks to the first film and disheartening one-liners delivered by Liam Hemsworth—who looks profoundly embarrassed and exhausted throughout—there may have even been a better movie than the first Independence Day. But that would have required all the interesting moments that occurred conspicuously off-screen in this sequel to be given the focus they deserved, and what fun is focusing on plot and character development when you can just blow shit up?”
Sometimes, being mediocre is worse than being bad. We wish we could unsee Independence Day: Resurgence until such time as it can become a movie that lives up to its potential (and also remembers that 20 years have passed since the previous installment, and the world has very much changed).
Suicide Squad: So Bad, It’s Good. Actually, It’s Just Bad.
Being that I heard very little good about this movie when it came out, I never bothered to see it. However, TMS’ Maddy Myers took one for the team, and wrote a review to tell us the tale of all this movie’s many, many fails, saying:
“Now, Suicide Squad is a steaming hunk of disorganized, colorful trash slathered in embossed fonts and spray paint. It’s so disappointing that it’s kind of impressive; there’s a wealth of missed opportunities, whiffed almost-jokes, and half-baked ideas on display here. But, in terms of dumpster fire standards, Suicide Squad might just be a contender for the rare “so bad it’s good” category. Strap in, and let me tell you about its many, many silly problems.”
And, of course, there was Jared Leto’s Joker, which was so bad, he ended up not being in very much of the movie:
“I really feel for the editors behind this movie. For the whole creative team. For the rest of the actors. There must have been some tough conversations. There must have been a moment when they turned to one another and said, “Is it too late to replace this guy?” And, I suppose, the conclusion must have been that it was indeed too late, and they would have to find some way to save the movie, in spite of the fact that Jared Leto’s Joker is in it.”
Yeesh. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t see this one, but those on the TMS staff who did see it wish it could be unseen. You’ve been warned.
Morgan: The Female-Led Sci-Fi We Asked For Executed In a Way We Didn’t
This one I did see, and when it first came out, I was excited about it! I wanted to love it. Here was a sci-fi film with two female leads (and gender parity in the rest of the casting!) about a girl created from synthetic DNA. Cool sciencey stuff! Women doing science! Except that it was written and directed by dudes who also didn’t seem to have done any research into how scientists work, because they wrote about a collection of the worst and most incompetent scientists and psychologists ever assembled on film.
There’s also a “twist” ending. The thing about a “twist” ending is that the rest of the movie has to be enjoyable in order for that twist to matter. Saving the explanation for why I had to endure 90-minutes of bullshittery for the end of the film is like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. And like Taylor Swift said: Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes. You say sorry just for show. I wish I could unsee this movie and/or just re-do it the way I would’ve liked to see it done. It could have been epic. Alas, it was not.
TMS’ Debora Krieger agrees, and said in her review:
“For a film that is ostensibly about a being with almost supernatural intelligence, Morgan is just not that smart, and requires such a suspension of disbelief at times that it’s not worth the effort to try and puzzle out why things are happening the way they are. And it’s quite a shame, too: the cast of the film is talented and diverse and balanced evenly between men and women, and pretty much every single scene passes the Bechdel Test. Yet Morgan is a letdown every step of the way.”
Yup. Pretty much. *sigh*
Hillary Clinton’s Concession Speech: Why, God? WHY?!
Even though our entire staff wishes we could unsee this, I’m posting the speech in full, mostly because it’s gonna be a while before we see someone acting truly Presidential again. This speech hurt, especially because we know that she won the popular vote. More people believe in her message than believe in (or tacitly accept) the racist, sexist, fascist hate-mongering of our current President-elect. This is a good thing. But it also makes this hurt all the more, because that means that our current electoral system does not have the failsafes it needs to prevent an unpredictable madman from being elected to the highest office in the land.
We really wish we could unsee this. But now that we have, let’s use it as a reminder to keep our eyes open for the next for years, and fight all the battles that are important to us.
What media do YOU wish you could unsee from 2016? Lets go ahead and purge them in the comments below so that we can head into 2017 free of all that and ready to be the change (and the media) we want to see in the world!
Happy New Year, Mary Suevians!
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