Now ditch the racism, and this might actually be a movie I'll sit down and see of my own free will!
This movie was... er... not exactly with the good. Anthony Mackie was the only watchable part, in fact, but he was extremely watchable, because Anthony Mackie. So he can stay in our hypothetical lady-led reboot, but everyone else has to be an actress swanning around and shooting dudes while wearing droolworthy '40s outfits.
Female characters who are all either wives or assistants to more prominent male leads*? I'd like to see you pull that shit when LADY GODZILLA'S IN THE HOUSE.
*Except for the female MUTO, who if memory serves was equal to her male counterpart in terms of screentime/narrative importance. But she's also, y'know, a giant monster.
There can be two men in this, but one of them has to have been shuffled off the mortal coil to provide the leading lady with a guilt complex and (wo)man angst. Hey, I don't make the rules about Christopher Nolan movies. He even gave Batman a dead girlfriend! Batman! I think he has the dead loved ones already covered! Speaking of...
The Dark Knight
“But this won’t work, it’s the second part of a–“ Don’t care. “But it’s Batman, you can’t—“ Don’t care. “Look, this doesn’t even make any—” DON'T. CARE.
Look, we have to get our female-led superhero movie somehow. Imagine the entitled nerdboy rage tears.
Beauty and the Beast
Hear me out for a second...
...lesbian Disney princess movie.
Natalie Dormer, Lupita Nyong’o, and Lucy Liu can play the Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and George Clooney characters, and then… no, you know what? I am OK with them playing every other character in the movie, too. We have the technology. It can be done.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
For all I completely acknowledge the fact that the lack of women in the original Star Wars trilogy is a major flaw, there’s still a kernel of my worshipful middle school self nestled inside my soul that starts shrieking at even the idea of a non-Harrison Ford Han Solo. But I have no such reservations about the prequels, particularly The Phantom Menace, aka the movie that ended my childhood. RECAST EVERYBODY. You can’t make it worse!
Which actresses do you want on your homoerotic lesbian volleyball team, sweatin’ and slapping’ butts? If Michelle Rodriguez isn’t there, I quit.
12 Angry Men
Obviously. While we’re at it, change the whole premise, and have the movie be a slice-of-life on the day the Hobby Lobby ruling went down.
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