Bigfoot has been exploding into public consciousness recently (and we do mean exploding). In the latest development in our favorite undiscovered species’ ascent to fame, a series of 16 self-published books of Bigfoot Erotica are making their author up to 30,000 dollars a month on Amazon. Brace yourselves for the accompanying line of adult toys.
Bluntly titled “Cum For Bigfoot,” author Virginia Wade’s series chronicles the animalistic love between various Sasquatches (Leonard and Dale, to name two of the hairy hunks) and a group of Oregon hikers. Here’s a typical excerpt from the borderline-bestial series:
Our mornings always began like this, my warm body buzzing with arousal. My Sasquatch lovers, who had an almost insatiable appetite for sex, would pleasure me shortly.
If the phrase “pleasure me shortly” does nothing for you, consider this passage from the first meeting between the star-crossed lovers.
From within the tufts of matted hair, the creature released a huge pale c**k that defied logic.
dickfoot’s anatomy isn’t the only part of “Cum For Bigfoot” that defies logic. Virgina Wade (name changed to protect the feelings of her spurned half-ape lover) originally wrote the series and self-published them on Amazon as a whim, but now makes 6,000 to 30,000 a month off of residual sales, in spite of most of her titles being priced at less than a dollar. “I was putting my daughter through college with the profits,” Wade says. “I used to joke with her, ‘Bigfoot smut is paying for your school.’” (Haha, Mom.)
Wade’s high literature is in fact a very small fraction of the surprisingly large (just like Bigfoot) sampling of monster erotica, (or cryptozoological erotica) available on Amazon, iTunes and Kindle. Titles such as “Demon’s Love Ass,” “Sex With My Husband’s Anatomically Correct Robot,” “Frankenstein’s Bitch,” and “Milked By Aliens” are just some of the popular tales of animal to monster conjugal relations.
Although we probably can’t expect to see “Milked By Aliens” in Barnes and Noble anytime soon (Hell, bookstores are almost as elusive now as Bigfoot Himself), my greatest hope is that Bigfoot Erotica and the uptick of interest in our hairy relative mean a greater acceptance of his existence. If we can just get some swabs from those camping girls, Bigfoot Bounty might actually have something to go on. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go work on my drafts of “Sharktopussy 3: Enter The Deep.” I’ve got bills to pay.
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