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What's with the name?

Allow us to explain.

Officially Official

CDC: There Is No Zombie Apocalypse

It’s crazy times, people — in the last couple of weeks, we have heard about more than one instance of people eating people, and that is exactly “more than one” too many. Add in the tweet from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign about a leak of hazardous materials from the Institute of Genomic Biology, and let’s just say we’re all in a bit of a tizzy about a possible zombie apocalypse. But the Center for Disease Control says we really have no need to worry. (Even though they are on it like Comet in case it does happen, which it’s totally not, they swear.)

In an email to the Huffington Post, a news organization who evidently asked the Center for Disease Control this question, the CDC had the folowing official statement to offer:

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” wrote agency spokesman David Daigle

To be accurate, the crimes that have taken place are better classified as cannibalism, and not indicative of zombies since the so-called “zombies” were, as far as we know, alive while committing said disturbing acts. The face-eater in Miami ate his victim’s face while living (and tripping madly on bath salts), and then ceased to live when police shot him six times. He is now dead, and remains in that state. (As far as we know.) Cannibal Geek (so named because he had a podcast and a penchant for QR codes) in Maryland first murdered the man he was going to eat, then dined on his heart and brain. He remains alive. And the Canadian Cannibal Porn Star was 100 percent alive when he committed sexual acts on the corpse of a man he first killed with an ice pick, then dismembered and consumed. (And put the victim’s severed foot in the mail.) By the way, two out of three of these cases were caught on video.

So, why we got all worked up about zombies when all we were dealing with was cannibals is the real mystery, you guys. Seriously, nothing to worry about! It’s just cannibals!

(via Huffington Post)

Previously in Zombies

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  • Chihuahua Zero

    Six months later, a virus that induces cannibalism becomes an epidemic. ;)

  • allreb

    If that’s true, then why does the CDC have a whole website about zombie preparedness?

  • M I C H E L L E

    @allreb:disqus , notice on the bottom of the page “Page last reviewed: January 31, 2012″ 

  • Jill Pantozzi

    You may want to click Jamie’s “on it” and “Comet” links up top. :)

  • allreb

     D’oh. This is what I get for just mouseovering the links and not seeing any of them going to the CDC itself. Shoulda know you’d all been on top of it.

  • Cami Jo

    sure, just cannibalism…. for now…

  • John Wao

    “There Is No Zombie Apocalypse.”

    That’s what they want you to believe. BRRAAAAAAAAIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!

  • Brett Schenker

    Glad that was cleared up.  I was worried there for a moment.

  • Emi Savacool

    Don’t forget the guy in NJ that stabbed himself 50 times and threw pieces of his intestines at police! No cannibalism, but it’s pretty close in terms of inhuman pain tolerance/horrifyingly visceral violence. 

  • Mindy Ann Maphis-Kidwell

    dont worry people its just cannibalism….cause lord knows thats not something we should be worried about right…WTF REALLY

  • Melissa Cabecinha

    The second case was dismemberment, but I don’t think there was any cannibalism involved in the Magnotta case. Sick, disturbing, and horrific, yes. Zombie-like? No. 

  • Anonymous

    Wouldn’t the CDC have a helluva lot more credibility on this issue if they hadn’t already played it for yucks? Maybe it’s time for the grownups to act like grownups.

  • James Jenkins

    So… not zombies. Reavers, instead. Joy.

  • john smith

    “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would
    reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),”
    wrote agency spokesman David Daigle…

  • Emily Hill

    whether they are alive or dead they are still eating people wtf is wrong with these idiots

  • Anonymous

    my roomate’s ex-wife got paid $15158 the prior week. she is making an income on th e laptop and got a $584800 home. All she did was get fortunate and set to work the advice shown on this web site 

    ⇛⇛⇛⇛► (Click At My Name For Link)

  • James Elliott

    The only mystery is how uneducated and downright STUPID some people are…..

  • rey reyes

    this is how its starts, zombie reports and the media says to stay calm that nothing will happen. they pretty much jinxed it. a couple months later, ZOMBIE APOCALYPSES!!!