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CDC: There Is No Zombie Apocalypse

Officially Official

It’s crazy times, people — in the last couple of weeks, we have heard about more than one instance of people eating people, and that is exactly “more than one” too many. Add in the tweet from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign about a leak of hazardous materials from the Institute of Genomic Biology, and let’s just say we’re all in a bit of a tizzy about a possible zombie apocalypse. But the Center for Disease Control says we really have no need to worry. (Even though they are on it like Comet in case it does happen, which it’s totally not, they swear.)

In an email to the Huffington Post, a news organization who evidently asked the Center for Disease Control this question, the CDC had the folowing official statement to offer:

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” wrote agency spokesman David Daigle

To be accurate, the crimes that have taken place are better classified as cannibalism, and not indicative of zombies since the so-called “zombies” were, as far as we know, alive while committing said disturbing acts. The face-eater in Miami ate his victim’s face while living (and tripping madly on bath salts), and then ceased to live when police shot him six times. He is now dead, and remains in that state. (As far as we know.) Cannibal Geek (so named because he had a podcast and a penchant for QR codes) in Maryland first murdered the man he was going to eat, then dined on his heart and brain. He remains alive. And the Canadian Cannibal Porn Star was 100 percent alive when he committed sexual acts on the corpse of a man he first killed with an ice pick, then dismembered and consumed. (And put the victim’s severed foot in the mail.) By the way, two out of three of these cases were caught on video.

So, why we got all worked up about zombies when all we were dealing with was cannibals is the real mystery, you guys. Seriously, nothing to worry about! It’s just cannibals!

(via Huffington Post)

Previously in Zombies

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