Brandon Silk just wants to go to high school and live a normal life. That sounds like the beginning to a promotional description of a TV show about a kid with superpowers, but it’s not, because Brandon doesn’t have any superpowers. What he does have is a deathly serious allergy to Axe Body Spray.
While Brandon is desperate to go to an actual physical high school with teachers and gym class and everything (making him probably the only person in the world with this dream, we might add), he didn’t even last three days after the start of this school year before facing several adverse reactions to other students. A slight exposure on Monday left him with rashes and a serious headache; a more potent dose on Wednesday caused him to go into anaphylactic shock. Fortunately he was scooped up and treated at a nearby hospital before it got any worse.
Freedom High School officially requested that its students stop wearing Axe entirely on the weekend before Brandon was set to arrive, but I guess they forgot that the type of student who wears Axe is probably too much of a jerkwad to care about the possibility that other kids might die from it. His mother hopes that the school will consider creating an enforceable policy that bans all perfumes and colognes from the school entirely in order to accommodate them. Until then, the family is working with Axe’s parent company Unilever to figure out which specific ingredient is triggering such an adverse effect, and Brandon will take more time off from school — apparently when the exposure incidents are close together, the reactions get progressively worse.
You wanna know what the worst part about this whole situation is? Being allergic to Axe is the correct response to smelling Axe. We should all be allergic to Axe. It was put on this Earth specifically to facilitate the wailing and gnashing of teeth that comes with inevitable doom. You know, in addition to alerting us whenever terrible youths are nearby so that we may flee before they see us and start TPing our lawns or making fun of our bodies. Whatever it is high schoolers do to other people these days.
- If everybody smelled like Play-Doh instead, the world would be a better place
- Or maybe like a freshly unboxed Apple product
- Or like Iron Man. Who doesn’t want to smell like Iron Man?