Leslie Knope holding up a weird little doll and saying "What is that?"

WTF Is Rainbow Fentanyl?

Look out, y’all! Fentanyl is queer now.

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She was in the closet, or the baggie for a while. Even to herself. She thought that she was just another narcotic. Just like boring old morphine. When the Finnish Prime Minister was accused of doing party drugs, Fenty knew that she couldn’t possibly be one the drugs that those Finnish politicians were referring to. She was always on the straight and narrow. She was made to be used in a hospital, for God’s sake. She couldn’t possibly be a fun, queer party drug? She wasn’t one of those kind of drugs. Sure she had drug friends like that, like her friends Molly and Popper, but she never thought that she would be one of them.

But all that changed this year.

This year, Fenty is showing off her true colors. She was never just a boring white powder; she’s a fucking rainbow of pills! And now she’s even more fierce. And when I say “fierce” I mean that she’s literally deadly. Like she will kill you. Even in trace amounts. You will O.D. and die. She will poison you and look damn good while she does it.

People don’t know where she got her makeover, but the DEA says she got zhuzhed up by drug dealers who are who trying to get her into the party scene. It’s a rebrand y’all. Now Fenty is on the way to becoming a hot new club drug that kids will love. She’s quite literally ready to slay! Get it grrl! Just nowhere near me please!

(featured image: DEA)


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Author
Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.