Listen: I’m a terrible chickenshit.
I don’t particularly like being afraid of things, and I usually go out of my own damn way to avoid having to scroll past Netflix’s Horror offerings. Like, my overactive imagination just clings to that stuff like instantly.
So offered to you here without further comment are my various reactions while watching this new trailer for the remake of Stephen King’s It.
Why does nearly every scary movie take place in a small town? Like, do people not trust nature and that idyllic-ass setting right there? That’s gorgeous.
Yeah, I like Paper Girls, too.
Okay, kids cliff diving like they’re getting ready for their Cancun vacation? Sure, okay. They’re already braver than I am.
Is this It or Stand By Me? I can’t tell.
Sorry, but every time I see Finn Wolfhard, I’m just going to think I’m watching Stranger Things. Like, I know I’m not, but—wait what is up with everyone just looking so menacingly at kids, is that what happens in small towns?
Dude. Kid. I know you liked that boat, but it’s gone. Don’t … NO
WHY WOULD YOU
CAN YOU JUST
hey wait why are the storm drains so hecking tall in this town
OH MY GOD NO NOPE NUH-UH
IT’S A CLOWN
IN A SEWER
WHAT WHY
You know he’s dead.
See, it makes sense that this thing is set in the 80s because you just know kids of today would be like “fuck this, I’m out” but not before trying to capture Pennywise on Snapchat.
Note to self: pitch “How Millennials Are Ruining Horror Movies” later today.
“My grandfather thinks this town is cursed.” LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS, KID
The sad thing is that run down OBVIOUSLY HAUNTED house would totally go for $3.4 million where I live. Like yeah, you’d have to deal with demons and occasional wall-bleeding, but central air and heat don’t come cheap, you know?
So wait, is Pennywise like some kind of immortal clown? Like, I don’t know, Keanu Reeves or something? Is that where they’re going with this?
I didn’t think it was possible for a trailer to instill a fear of red balloons into me, but here we hecking are, I guess.
Someone tracked mud all over the floor and the real horror here is that Rug Doctors are a total pain in the ass to use.
You know how trailers always go silent whenever something scary is about to happen? Yeah, no, forget it. I’m noping real hard right now. REAL HARD.
GOD
WHY
You know when you were a kid and you were afraid to go to the kitchen to get a drink of water in the middle of the night BECAUSE OF THIS EXACT SCENARIO? YEAH. THAT’S IT. RIGHT THERE.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT KIDS RUNNING ACROSS THE SCREEN THAT ALWAYS MAKES PEOPLE SO AFRAID
I don’t know but that is a real fear I have now. I can’t walk past playgrounds anymore. It’s too much.
Wait, no, I take it back, the real horror are all those LEGO pieces on that hardwood floor now. You’re going to be running from that clown and guess what? You’re gonna step on a LEGO piece and it’s curtains. Curtains.
WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE BASEMENT
JUST
STOP
Oh, okay, the basement’s flooded, and my little brother who I thought was dead is just standing in the corner, let’s not tell anyone and let me go ahead and handle this myself.
NO
MAYBE DON’T???
That’s a pretty rad lineup of kids, though. They’ve got some Breakfast Club vibes coming all off of them everywhere. Like for real, Sophia Lillis is totally a dead ringer (haaaaa) for Molly Ringwald right here.
AT WHAT POINT IS IT EVER OKAY TO GO INTO A MUDDY TUNNEL
IN A SEWER
IN YOUR HAUNTED, CURSED-ASS TOWN?
ANSWER: NEVER
“Are you just going to pretend it isn’t happening like everyone else happening in this town?” No, I’m going to move the hell away and seriously what no stop.
OKAY, LISTEN.
If you’re wandering through a haunted hecking house, you do not (I repeat, do not) ever walk into the CHAPEL-LIKE room full of creepy clown dolls good lord I know you just saved your best pal from the Upside Down but man that does not make you invincibl—
OH MY GOD OKAY ENOUGH I’M DONE STOP
I’m not going to sleep tonight. That’s for damn sure. I hope you’re happy.
It floats into theaters on September 8th.
(via io9)
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