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What To Stress Eat or Drink Today, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Let's be honest here

robin under a desk drinking wine and crying

The stress levels in America today are off the charts. This isn’t like 2016 when so many people started celebrating prematurely, then ended the night in shock and terror. This is 2020 and every day is a new kind of chaotic mess when we haven’t even recovered from yesterday’s chaotic mess. And what do we say to the god of stress? We don’t, we can’t talk because we have cookies in our mouth.

But when it comes to what food or adult beverage should you pick to deal with election day anxiety? Instead of looking at 538, which is honestly just astrology for poli-sci majors, let’s look at actual astrology! Because why the heck not?

Here’s what to stress eat and drink (if you are so inclined) today based on your sun sign (but your rising and moon should work here too).

Aries

Aries, you’re about action and passion but also some adaptability. So order that pizza and buy those three bottles of $2 wine from Trader Joe’s. Doesn’t matter what kind, though a malbec or a zin will go well with that pizza. You know what you need and how to get it done. No regrets.

Taurus

Taurus is all about those earthly pleasures. You love the good life, so grab yourself some of the most luxurious ice cream you can get your hands on. I’m talking about the good stuff. If you live close enough, grab some Salt and Straw. For a drink, go fancy and get some brandy! If you’re new to brandy, Heine is an excellent brand to start with. It’s spendy, but that’s never deterred a Taurus.

Gemini

You have too much going on right now, too much anxious energy and stress, to even think about actual human food. Good thing Halloween was three days ago and you only got three trick-or-treaters. Grab that bucket of assorted sugars and have at it, or grab some of the stuff that’s half off at the store! And, let’s be real here. You’re probably cool with a PBR or whatever is easy right now. Found some kailua at the back of a cupboard? Mix it with cool whip and call it good.

Cancer

Not to stereotype Cancers here but … what food goes good with crying? Something salty? Or what’s good for avoiding the news and stress all together as you retreat inside your shell? That’s right, it’s movie night and it’s popcorn time. I always like popcorn with white wine, and let’s face it, Cancer, anything else will be a bit too much for you right now, so … stick with a gentle pinot gris.

Leo

It’s flaming hot Cheetos and Jagermeister for you. between bouts of running through the neighborhood yelling at every living being you see to go vote.

Virgo

You’ve got it together … mostly. You’re one of the last folks with a sourdough starter that you made in April and you’ve got a loaf in the oven, maybe. Or even if you don’t, the Virgin is all about those carbs. Heck, the Virgo constellation is holding a sheaf of wheat. So it’s bread time. All the bread. And for a cocktail? Why not go a bit class and enjoy a nice Gin and Tonic. I love Bombay Sapphire gin, but for today, anything will do.

Libra

You can’t really decide and you’re so stressed you’ve probably either eaten everything in the house or can’t eat at all so … time to order Chinese. Like, all of it. And it may not go with Chinese food but your massive anxiety needs some bourbon right now. The nice stuff though, you do have a few standards left.

Scorpio

It’s all about the potatoes, my sweet, terrifying scorpion friend. Fries. Chips. Boil ’em, mash ’em, put ’em in a stew. (Yeah, Gollum was probably a Scorpio, sorry). And to drink? Keep it potato and go with straight vodka.

Sagittarius

You’re all about that creativity and ingenuity, so I feel like you intrepid archers don’t just stress eat but stress bake an entire pie (pick your flavor, you trailblazer) and what are we drinking with that? Again, you know how to have fun, so you’ve got a bottle of champagne or prosecco stored somewhere in your house (maybe it’s been waiting in the back of the fridge since 2016). Break it out and drink it straight from the bottle. Because why not?!

Capricorn

When the rest of the world panic, Capricorns roll up our sleeves and get to work (even when we’re also panicking on the inside). We try to stay calm and keep it together; practical and powerful. Just like dark chocolate and some really good red wine. But tonight even just wine isn’t enough, so I’ll be opening a bottle of port and adding a little few truffles to the mix.

Aquarius

Shots! Shots! Shots! I think tequila and nachos will do it tonight for revolutionary Aquarius. Yeah, that’s party food and you’re being responsible and staying socially distant because you care about the world. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and get plastered until the results are in and then party a bit more to cope or celebrate.

Pisces

Oh, Pisces, come here. Let me give you a hug and a warm chocolate chip cookie before you head back into your blanket fort. I know this is tough, and in your heart, you are absolutely already feeling like the worst has happened, but you’re gonna be okay. Some cookies and milk and a CBD gummy (if such a thing is legal in your area) is what you need right now. But mainly: cookies. While you watch the Great British Bake-Off instead of any news.

Those are our ideas! What’s your sign and election stress menu?

(Image: 20th Century Television)

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Jessica Mason (she/her) is a writer based in Portland, Oregon with a focus on fandom, queer representation, and amazing women in film and television. She's a trained lawyer and opera singer as well as a mom and author.