Really? You’ve never gone outside?
Like not even once? You’ve never left the comfort of your home to explore the vast and rugged wildernesses of the yet unknown world?
Okay, fine, So, have you ever left your home to get groceries when it’s a ‘lil chilly outside, and you’re walking around in the supermarket, and everybody has their coats on cause it’s a lil’ chilly in there too, and a lil’ old lady walks up to you and says, “excuse me, will you reach up on the shelf and hand that soup?” And you do, and you hand it back to her, and she says, “thank you, young whippersnapper,” and just before she turns you see a lil’ word “Patagonia” written on the chest of her jacket and you’re like “Wait. Why am I looking at this lil’ old lady’s chest, am I attracted to her?” and then she leaves and you stand there in the soup aisle questioning the petty, preconceived notions you once had about your sexuality?
Has that ever happened to you?
Well if it has, you would realize that “Patagonia” is a clothing brand and that you have the hots for little old ladies who wear it. And why do they wear it? Because they have grandchildren who love them and don’t want them to be cold so they swaddle their grandmothers in Patagonia because Patagonia makes really good clothes to wear when it’s cold or snowing or you’re climbing a mountain because even lil’ old ladies can climb mountains too and maybe that’s why you’re attracted to them.
Patagonia, as a brand, also does pretty dope shit for the environment. Like donating all their profits to a nonprofit and trust dedicated to fighting climate change. And no, I am not a shill for Patagonia. Why the fuck would Patagonia hire a writer who writes about being attracted to lil’ old ladies because they can’t control their sexual urges even when it’s their fucking job. That would be a P.R. nightmare.
Or wait… were you talking about Patagonia the place?
Omg ,this is so embarrassing. Here I am talking about hot ‘lil ol’ ladies rocking the Patagonia brand and you wanna know about the geographical location in Argentina. Forget everything I just said. Patagonia, the place, is famous for looking like another fucking planet. It’s got giant mountains and big-ass glaciers and it is absolutely lousy with different species of adorable penguins. Honestly, it would be the perfect place to take a lil’ old lady wearing Patagonia on a date. You could climb mountains, trek across glacial valleys, and attempt to administer a lil’ head pat to sweet baby penguin. And you could show up in Patagonia, too, to show her you’re serious about your relationship. And so you don’t die of exposure. That too.
Featured Image Credit: Wong Maye-E/AP Photo
