[Editor’s Note: Catch up on the rest of my Twin Peaks newbie recaps here!]
Episode 28: “Miss Twin Peaks”
Leo is now chained up next to an unconscious Major Briggs. He manages to grab the keys and frees Briggs, asking him to save Shelly. Not sure why he didn’t free himself also? Windom returns and is fairly calm considering his one prisoner is gone but he also has some face point on or is just a demon or something I guess.
At the R&R, Norma says the Miss Twin Peaks pageant is the town’s biggest day and we find out she won 20 years ago. She’s also one of the judges. Benjamin is reading a pile of religious texts and when Audrey arrives upset over BILLY ZANE leaving he gives this advice: time heals all wounds. She updates him on Seattle, the Packards are funneling cash to Ghostwood through the Twin Peaks bank who are keeping a low profile so they don’t get bad publicity.
Andy has been staring at the cave symbols all day. Agent Cooper thinks Windom has targeted Briggs. He finally tells Sheriff Harry about the weird shit after Josie died. Well, not the drawer handle thing, apparently we’ll never know what that was about. He thinks Bob was feeding off her fear and says they need to find the Black Lodge before Windom. Cut to Windom listening in, who says fear is his favorite emotional state! He’s looking forward to his dark honeymoon and explains he hasn’t been this excited since he killed Carolyn. Lovely. Has a string tied to Leo’s tooth (?) elaboratly connected to a BOX OF SPIDERS above his head!
At the Miss Twin Peaks dance rehearsals choreographer Tim Pinkle (who apparently has many talents) is being a perve. Mayor Dwayne, Norma, and Dick discuss score sheet items and Teen Witch takes a break to flirt with Dick. And feels him up in the closet. Also,
Agent Cooper speaks to Diane, he’s doing meditation instead of sleep. He makes SPECIFIC mention of Annie, saying he hasn’t felt about a woman like this since Carolyn. And Annie arrives! She wants help with her Miss Twin Peaks speech. They quickly divert to her personal problems again and start making out/banging.
Nadine is showing a slideshow of her wrestling achievements and Dr. Jacoby, Mike, Big Ed, and Norma are all there to discuss the “break up.” Ed tells her he’s going to get married, she exclaims she and Mike are getting married (they totally aren’t) and is breaking his hand as she says it.
Major Briggs is making his way through the woods when Hawk spots him! He’s in bad shape. Agent Cooper knows he was given drugs. Andy is back at his staring and Cooper says they must be in the right place, right time or they won’t find the door to the Back Lodge. Andy asks about the 4H club but they brush him off.
Peter and Andrew are trying to open the metal, assuming it’s another box. Andrew tries to shoot it and actually makes a hole. There’s a key inside. Catherine and Andrew don’t trust each other so they keep it in plane sight, in the cake saver. Donna is all dressed up for the pageant, but would rather talk about the truth with her parents. They refuse to so she’ll ask Benjamin instead. Oh geez, just freaking say it already!
Agent Cooper spots the “4H” symbol Andy saw, which are astrological symbols, Jupiter and Saturn in conjunction. “Protect the Queen,” mutters Briggs. “Fear and love open the doors.” Two doors, two lodges! Andy has an epiphany, knocks the bonsai tree over and they find the bug. They still ignore Andy though, because of course they do.
much glamor. so pageant. very rain.
Miss Twin Peaks takes home the award for Most Ridiculous Dance Routine. Pinkle is now trying to hit on Log Lady. We move into the talent portion of the evening, Lucy dances and suddently — TWO LOG LADIES! Backstage, Bobby spots this doppleganger who is actually Windom! He knocks out Bobby while Teen Witch does her contortionistic jazz exotica routine. Everyone is mesmerized. They we get to the speeches, Audrey does well. Donna confronts Benjamin, he says they should all get together to talk, she refuses and he doesn’t even say it, she does: “you’re my father.”
LogWindom is now in the rafters. Lucy grabs Andy and Dick for the big news – she wants Andy to be the father of her child, no matter what biology says. Dick is totally cool with that. Andy is happy but runs off to find Agent Cooper. Dr. Hayward makes the announcement – Miss Twin Peaks is Annie! Teen Witch is super pissed. ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. Strobes. Smoke! Nadine is knocked out. Or taken out specifically because she’s strong??? LogWindom can’t see that well either in this chaos he causedbut he has a small explosion go off in front of Agent Cooper. HE TAKES ANNIE!
Andy tells Cooper he figured out the cave painting. It’s a map!
Episode 29: “Beyond Life and Death”
Ok. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Deep breaths.
Lucy and Andy are huddling together, discussing what happened at the pageant. They say I love you at the same time. Aww! Agent Cooper is close to the answer of the map when Peter comes in to say the Log Lady stole his truck. The real Log Lady arrives with oil which her husband said is an opening to a gateway. Ronette Polaski is brought in to get triggered by the smell of the burnt engine oil and there’s talk of Glastonburg Grove. Meanwhile, Windom is scaring Annie in Peter’s truck. She starts praying as he pulls her into the woods and into the circle of sycamore trees. She can’t run anymore, he leads her into the red curtains.
Nadine has a head injury from LogWindom but Mike got one too somehow. Oh no. She’s back! Back to her 35-year-old-self. And she’s very upset! Mike is kinda bummed I guess too. Benjamin is at the Hayward residence. Donna is storming out with a suitcase as Dr. Hayward comes home and orders Benjamin out of the house. His wife Sylvia, who hasn’t been seen in AGES, suddenly shows up too. He told her to stay home. Dr. Hayward gets so mad he knocks him into the fireplace and his head gets bloody. Guess there’s a lot of that going around today.
Andrew is trying to sneak the key away, it’s for a safety deposit box and he just happens to have the same key. Peter sees him, of course. Sheriff Harry and Agent Cooper find Peter’s truck. He tells Harry he has to go on alone. Owls! He finds the ring of sycamore trees and Harry is following close behind to see Cooper disappear behind red curtains.
Annnnnnnd we’re in!
My face for the remainder of the episode, FYI.
The little man dances. The crooner croons! So… it’s just a really exclusive night club, yes? Andy finds Harry and suddenly it’s a new day! They’ve been waiting in the woods for ten hours for Agent Cooper to come back out.
Audrey goes to the Twin Peaks bank, where people go to live out their last days apparently, and chains herself to the vault. She asks the old man, Dell, to call Dwayne Milford Jr, editor of the paper and let him know she’s protesting the Ghostwood development project. Andrew and Peter show up, and surprise Dell because um yeah, everyone still thinks Andew is dead. Audrey isn’t actually barring the way into the vault, so they go right in to the box. This is almost as torturous as the room service guy situation.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
KABOOM!
OH MY GOD OH MY GOOD GOD
IS AUDREY DEAD!!?!?!?!
OH MY GOD!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Breathe. At the R&R Bobby asks Audrey to marry him. Gross. Leo is still with the spiders. Dr. Jacoby arrives with Laura’s mom Sarah to meet Major Briggs and his wife.
She needs to tell him “I’m in the Black Lodge” except it’s certainly not her speaking. Oh god oh god oh god.
The Little Man talks to Agent Cooper and says the next time he sees him he won’t be him. I’m not going to try and make sense of any of this by the way. This is the waiting room and some of his friends are there. Laura! She says, “I’ll see you again in 25 years.” David Lynch, you magnificent bastard. NO NO NO NO NO ROOM SERVICE GUY. Lurch! Agent Cooper’s coffee is liquid, then solid, then liquid again.
He goes into another room which is actually the same room. Tries another, it’s the same. Little Man tells him he’s going the wrong way. Back to the other room with the Little Man, another friend. Maddy! She says, “Watch out for my cousin.”
Ok.
Back to the previous room, no furniture now. Doppelganger Little Man, a dead-eyed Laura, screaming like the season one scenes. Oh god he’s bleeding!
Follows his blood trail, finds Carolyn dead with him next to her. But it’s actually Annie. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG. Finds real(?) Annie. She says, “I saw the face of the man who killed me. It was my husband.” Oh no, it’s Not Annie, but Carolyn with dead eyes now.
Screaming Laura is FUCKING UNREAL.
Windom finally makes an appearance and tells Cooper, “If you give me your soul, I’ll let Annie live.” He agrees and…Windom stabs him! Reverse time! BOB!!! Bob is very angry with Windom. “You go, he is wrong. He can’t ask for your soul,” he says, “I will take his.” Cooper gets the fuck out of there. Another, dead-eyed Cooper shows up!!
Leland is there too! He says he didn’t kill anybody as Agent Cooper struggles to find the exit with the Second Cooper following him close behind. And,
Does Second Cooper follow him out? He and Annie are out of the Lodge, Harry finds them.
Back at the hotel, Dr. Hayward checking on Cooper who definitely seems off. Annie is at the hospital. Agent Cooper is very insistent that he needs to brush his teeth. Oh god oh god oh god it’s totally not him. Once he’s in the bathroom he squirts out all the toothpaste. IT’S BOB IN THE MIRROR OH FUCKING SHIT.
Agent Cooper slams his head into the mirror. “HOW’S ANNIE HOW’S ANNIE HOW’S ANNIE HOW’S ANNIE”
WHAT DO YOU MEEEEEEEEEEEAN THAT’S THE END OF THE SHOW WHAT DO YOU MEAN LAURA’S FACE IS IN THE COFFEE WHAT DOES IT ALL MEEEEEEEEEEAN GODDAMMIT DAVID LYNCH GOD DAMMIT
Dammit.
Wait for it.
So that was Twin Peaks, huh? I absolutely loved it. Fire Walk With Me and ALL the special features on the CBS Home Entertainment (who provided me with a review copy for these lovely newbie recap purposes) Twin Peaks: The Entire Mystery blu-ray are definitely next on the agenda. But to reward myself I won’t be recapping any of that. Thanks for taking (or re-taking) the journey with me, all! It was certainly a wild ride.
(captioned screencaps courtesy of TwinPeaksCaptioned.tumblr.com)
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