You’ve got to hand it to Tucker Carlson. The Fox News host/villainous frat member from an ’80s movie took a break from lionizing domestic terrorists and ripping Ted Cruz a new one to address a truly important issue that affects Americans everywhere: the fuckability of M&Ms. The internet exploded over Mars Inc.’s woke redesign of the M&M mascots, which included swapping the Green M&M’s go-go boots for sneakers and the Brown M&M switching to a more sensible heel.
The internet quickly ran wild with the story, but Carlson took things to the next level. In a segment for Tucker Carlson Tonight, the host bemoaned no longer getting hard for a candy company mascot, saying “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”
He also mocked the Orange M&M’s anxiety, saying “Maybe he doesn’t like all the ugly new shoes he sees around him.”
part 2 pic.twitter.com/9aNkUvYB4W
— the real james (@james_ramblings) January 22, 2022
Naturally, folks online couldn’t help but mock Carlson’s self-serious outrage over the mascot redesign. And that’s largely because he treats it with the gravity and drama of something that actually matters. It’s absolute clownery, and the internet was quick to dunk on the Fox News poster boy:
For your Saturday morning viewing pleasure, I am proud to present:
Tucker Carlson being extremely angry that he no longer wants to fuck the M&Ms cartoon character.
No, really.pic.twitter.com/k4wZyw8Plu
— Max Morgan ️️⚧️ (they/them) (@SpillerOfTea) January 22, 2022
Mars has relented and will now add a Tucker Carlson M&M. They’re all-white, extra bitter, and will meltdown when mixed with multi-colored M&Ms. pic.twitter.com/8NghQrNRq1
— (@tlhicks713) January 22, 2022
Who among us has not looked at those walking, talking candies and thought: yeah, I’d date that…! … but only if it’s wearing four-inch heels… (OK in fairness, only
@TuckerCarlson has thought that…) https://t.co/ZvMksFsoF9— Joy-Ann (Pro-Democracy) Reid (@JoyAnnReid) January 23, 2022
JUST IN: M&M’s World in Times Square has secured a restraining order against Tucker Carlson. pic.twitter.com/T0HvJnAFB3
— Hoodlum (@NotHoodlum) January 22, 2022
Tucker Carlson is upset that an M&M got new shoes
Ted Cruz was upset Big Bird encouraged kids to get vaxxed
Matt Schlapp was upset there’s now an Asian American Sesame St muppet
They were upset about Mr Potato Head & Dr Seuss
But a terrorist attack on our Capitol? No big deal
— Lindy Li (@lindyli) January 22, 2022
JUST IN: Tucker Carlson is triggered by candy pic.twitter.com/t2GKIsk4Zy
— Gabe Sanchez (@iamgabesanchez) January 22, 2022
Got really drunk last night watching Tucker Carlson so naturally I woke up naked in a pile of M&Ms
— (@The_Earl_of_Ram) January 22, 2022
Tucker Carlson wants cartoon characters to make him feel sexually aroused. Weird. pic.twitter.com/VU18Ibehpy
— Shannon Watts (@shannonrwatts) January 22, 2022
Hard choice for Tucker Carlson pic.twitter.com/aEZ9facVCL
— Dave The Bronx Bull⚒️ (@kingbullyo) January 22, 2022
Of course, if there’s anything to be upset about RE: the M&M redesign, it’s that its a thinly veiled attempt for Mars to shift publicity away from the child labor lawsuit they are currently embroiled in. Because who has time to discuss exploited children when an M&M changes her shoes?
reminder that m&m's are trending bc everyone in the media from tucker carlson to cnn are happily going along with this faux controversy publicity stunt as a propoganda smokescreen to bury the looming mars co child slavery lawsuithttps://t.co/noAQtHZ5zB
— ultralaser (@seandehey) January 22, 2022
(image: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
