I do not know what is wrong with me, but I thought watching every Twilight movie in one day was a GOOD idea, so clearly something is. Basically, some of my friends hadn’t seen the entire saga, and so another friend and I suggested taking a day to watch them all. And thus, our mistake was born.
Here’s the thing: I haven’t really watched these movies in years, and I remembered halfway through Twilight that an entire plot point of the series revolves around Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) essentially being attracted to Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) womb. So, here I shall present to you my thoughts on the entire saga with fun jokes, gifs, and me trying to fully comprehend what about this series any of us thought was good when we first watched it.
Let us begin with Twilight.
The movie that started it all, it was an indie-esque kickoff for Stephanie Meyer’s vampire saga and had a soundtrack that still bops to this day. Twilight is probably the one movie in this franchise I can watch frequently—maybe because it couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be, so it’s a mix of ironically funny and taking itself too seriously. Trust me, I’m right.
But still, as soon as Jacob Black showed up, I instantly remembered the womb plotline and then proceeded to watch every movie from Twilight on remembering that, at the end of the day, Jacob was just real attracted to that uterus. Seriously. (I’ll explain later, for the uninitiated.)
And of course, what would a retrospective on these movies be without tracking my attraction to Robert Pattinson throughout? For science.
At Twilight? It was at about a 7.5 out of 10.
New Moon lacked an Edward. I hated it.
As an Edward Cullen fan (that pains me to say), I hate New Moon. Mainly because I do not like Taylor Lautner and I do not like Jacob Black. The era of this book/movie was dark for me, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy—unless I were wishing it on Taylor Lautner, and then … fine. You do have to watch New Moon.
It’s a movie based on a book that has multiple chapters with just one word in each of them—and the movie is committed to maintaining that. Some would call that iconic. I call it a literal joke. In Bella’s upset over her breakup with my vampire hunk (again, I do hate myself), she just locks herself away for months, and the way New Moon passes time is to literally spell out how many months—by giving them their own blank chapters/screen time—it has been rather than just saying “6 months later” or whatever. It’s so extra.
That, I guess, is the best way to explain this movie, where Bella’s best friend, Jacob, comes out as a werewolf, which just means he can transform into a giant dog, something that the vampires HATE because he smells like a wet dog to them. Honestly, whatever, vampire/werewolf politics is literally unimportant in this series because all that matters is Bella is a womb.
Jacob wants that womb. He doesn’t know why, but he will. And basically this entire movie is Jacob like “I love you,” when he really loves the prospect of what her uterus will give him (really, more on that in 2 more movies), and so it’s just a movie of nothing. Meanwhile, off in Edwardland, he’s thinking he’s helping Bella by breaking up with her, only for his sister Alice (that’s right, I forgot to mention his family of vampires, because literally, it’s batshit) to tell him that she thinks Bella is dead.
So my eternal babe decides he wants to die because Bella is dead (dramatic) and goes to the vampire army of Italy, begging them to kill him. They won’t, though, because Edward has a gift of reading people’s minds (he can’t read Bella’s, so she’s ~*interesting*~), and so he decides to go out and glitter for people so they’ll kill him.
What I love about this pure madness is the idea that humans would see another human glittering and instantly be like “wow vampire” and not like “he sure does love a highlight,” but you know, it is what it is. Basically, Edward’s fine, he loves Bella, she loves him, she goes back to Forks and gets grounded because she’s a teenager who just flew to Italy without consent from her parents to save her vampire boyfriend, and then all was well—except that the werewolves want to kill the Cullens, and there is also a storyline about evil vampires who hate Bella coming for her. (Jesus Christ.)
Still, my attraction to Robert Pattinson in New Moon? Up to an 8. What can I say?
Eclipse—or, as I like to call it, the book that is way too fucking literal.
At this point in my mistake of watching all five movies in a day, I realized that it was, in fact, a mistake. How it took me until the third movie, I’ll never know, but I got about halfway through this and suddenly remembered the road ahead and could not stop questioning my own sanity. Anyway, here’s the greatest scene in all of Eclipse, as explained by me:
SO Jacob Black is like a furnace because that’s sexually appealing to people, I guess, and so when Bella and Edward have to go and hide in the literal mountains in the middle of winter because an evil vampire named Victoria (who was once Rachelle Lefevre and then turned into Bryce Dallas Howard, with no explanation) wants her dead, he has to keep Bella warm. This makes Edward very mad, cause he’s freezing cold and can’t help.
I guess I should give context to Victoria and her vampire children army? In the first movie, there’s a vampire named James, and he is like, “Wow I hate the Cullens and what if I drank Bella’s blood?”
Then, the Cullens are like, “Nah dude, don’t do that.”
James says, “Nah, I’m gonna,” and so he lures her back home to Arizona but ends up getting torn apart by the Cullens, and Edward has to drink back James’ venom from Bella. Victoria was James’ eternity partner and was upset her boyfriend got murdered for trying to murder someone else.
Okay, that’s all you really need to know. NOW, in Eclipse, Bella is like, “I’m being super stalked by a vampire!” and Alice looked at this not-Hunter Parrish vampire named Riley as the leader (even though everyone pretty much knows that Victoria is behind this). Meanwhile, the Italian vampires are just letting it happen because they want Edward to turn Bella into a vampire and otherwise do not seem to give a flying fuck about their own vampire laws.
The only thing about this movie that matters is that Bella and Edward are still together and fine, and Jacob is super mad because that established relationship is taking things to the next level because the womb-lover essentially guilted Bella into kissing him, so when she does, he thinks she loves him like that? Who knows? Men, amirite?
But Bella agrees to marry Edward so that they can be vampire lovers the proper way, and Bella wants to first have sex with him as a human (because that doesn’t seem like a mistake), and because 100+-year-old is a good ol’ religious boy (not really, he’s just “old fashioned”), he says he’ll sleep with her once they’re married. And that’s what you missed in Eclipse.
We’re moving, we’re grooving, Edward Cullen is easily an 8.5 in this movie, probably cause jealousy is hot. I’m a Scorpio.
The first part of Breaking Dawn: a book that did not need two movies.
Let’s get honest: Twilight wanted what Harry Potter had, so they split a book that was barely one movie into two separate movies just because they wanted fans to suffer more. Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is, essentially, this:
Bella and Edward get married. They go on a f*ck-cation where Edward Cullen breaks a bed and bites pillows so he doesn’t murder his human wife, and then Bella finds out she’s pregnant, is an incubator for 2 weeks, and then becomes a vampire because the baby nearly kills her until she realizes she has to drink blood to appease the child.
Now, the actual BEST part about this movie, other than Edward Cullen not being a 100+-year-old virgin anymore (he smirk he flirt he wants it!), is that Edward Cullen has to EAT HIS CHILD OUT OF HIS PREGNANT WIFE.
Let me explain. Bella’s skin is basically a vampire’s skin, and the baby can’t get out. The baby, which broke all her ribs and is basically murdering Bella in order to come into this world, needs to erupt from her mother like the alien came out of John Hurt.
But baby needs dada! So Edward, with his normal-ass teeth that I guess are vampire teeth, bites through her stomach and helps give birth to his own child. So, with a bloody face, he looks at his kid before injecting his wife with vampire venom and biting her a bunch so that she can be his love forever.
How hot is Edward Cullen in this movie? We’re going with a 9. He’s flirty, he’s loving, I dunno I think these movies broke me.
And now, we’ve made it, fam.
Breaking Dawn: Part II, the best thing that has ever happened to any us.
If you were lucky enough to see Breaking Dawn: Part II in cinemas, you probably did a lot of yelling along the lines of “Wait what the f*ck is Lee Pace doing in this movie?” or “Rami Malek?????” because, let me tell you, there are SO many cameos, and I forgot to let you know that the Italian vampires include Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning, because why not?
In this iconic film, the Italians are coming because they think that Edward and Bella’s baby with the bad name is a vampire child, which is illegal, and they’re like, “Conversations won’t work because Italians just talk over you,” and they create an entire series of vampires who will vouch for this child with a bad name.
Worried for her family, Bella buries herself with Edward’s penis instead of being a mother (listen) and is willing to basically sell off her daughter to Jacob because … here comes the womb-loving bit … JACOB ONLY LOVED BELLA BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO IMPRINT ON HER BABY. Womb lover, big dog, so many lovely qualities. ANYWAY, so this battle.
The Italians roll up, and they’re like, “Mmmm but what if we decide this human vamp babe needs to die anyway,” even after the grand plan of the Cullens was just to be like, “Nah, Edward fcked Bella and didn’t use protection,” but Alice (who just up and left everyone) rolls up, and in a moment when we think this series gets good, shows Michael Sheen that if he tries to fight the Cullens, he ends up dead.
Basically, this movie gives us an entire BATTLE where Carlisle (Edward’s dad. I really didn’t explain this family. Oh well, who cares, Carlisle is hot though) gets his head taken off, and then Carlisle’s vampire adoptive family is like “OH HELL NO” and rips a giant HOLE in the middle of Washington state but ends up victorious with only a few casualties, including Alice’s vampire boyfriend, who … fought for the Confederacy.
In the end, everything is fine, this bad-name baby is going to live forever after being fully grown at the age of 8, so that means, I guess, that Jacob (who is 16) gets to marry an 8-year-old. And that, my friends, is Twilight. Don’t question it. All of this is how it happened.
Edward Cullen is a hot dad, and I truly could not handle it, and I’m not ashamed. I blame society. 10/10, love dads.
At the end of the day, I already want to rewatch all five of these movies, and I truly do hate that.
Before I leave you, I would be remiss if I also did not mention Bella’s hot dad. Shout out to Charlie Swan, a babe.
(image: Summit Entertainment)
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