This Is the Most Disturbing Implication From the Latest ‘Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom’ Gameplay
In case it wasn't clear, this is satire. Or is it ...?
We recently (finally!) got a gameplay reveal for the much-awaited Legend of Zelda title Tears of the Kingdom. While the graphics and soundtrack are mostly the same from its predecessor, Breath of the Wild, the gameplay has certainly gotten a touch-up. We can now combine our equipment and items to make for some seriously gnarly combos, including Keese-eye tracker arrows and shroom dust shield bombs (what a sentence).
Of course, the most notable feature is the ability to create automated “machines” out of your surroundings, combining natural pieces with Zonai technology. Behold:
That’s very interesting and fun and yada yada, look, we’re here to discuss something serious. We see a horse at the beginning of the demo—a standard Hyrule wild horse. It’s only got a couple spurs and isn’t very impressive otherwise, but still, it’s a beloved BotW-issue horse.
We see Mr. Horsie for maybe a minute before we never see him again. He gets outmoded in favor of machinery. What in the turn-of-the-century BS is this, Nintendo? To quote a wise man, “Dude, where’s my horse??”
My initial concerns were over the basicness of this random wild horse, which told me that our beloved pons from the last game wouldn’t carry over. That means that our editor Britt Hayes’ horse, fondly named Lydia Tár, will not be making a reappearance. And to that I say, utter chicanery! Bamboozlement! But now, knowing that there’s a new motor carriage in town? My Horse Girl lips are trembling.
Nintendo, I am on my hands and knees: If Tears of the Kingdom outmodes my favorite horse, Captain Butterscotch, I’m gonna be a wreck. I play video games to INDULGE in fantasies, and in many cases, even just the act of owning a horse is a fantasy in and of itself—I don’t want to have to MAKE MY OWN CAR in my fantasy game! I’ve already got years of car-related stress from growing up in L.A. to work out. All I want is a dinky little nag and a local town to saunter into! Let me live!
I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see til May 12. I can already tell you this, though: If the game forces me to leave my horse in some godforsaken wasteland while I build some ratty little buggie, I’m still gonna do it, but I’ll complain the entire time.
(featured image: Quensadilla and Nintendo, via Madeline Carpou)
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