When will my horsie return from the war.

This Is the Most Disturbing Implication From the Latest ‘Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom’ Gameplay

In case it wasn't clear, this is satire. Or is it ...?

We recently (finally!) got a gameplay reveal for the much-awaited Legend of Zelda title Tears of the Kingdom. While the graphics and soundtrack are mostly the same from its predecessor, Breath of the Wild, the gameplay has certainly gotten a touch-up. We can now combine our equipment and items to make for some seriously gnarly combos, including Keese-eye tracker arrows and shroom dust shield bombs (what a sentence).

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Of course, the most notable feature is the ability to create automated “machines” out of your surroundings, combining natural pieces with Zonai technology. Behold:

That’s very interesting and fun and yada yada, look, we’re here to discuss something serious. We see a horse at the beginning of the demo—a standard Hyrule wild horse. It’s only got a couple spurs and isn’t very impressive otherwise, but still, it’s a beloved BotW-issue horse.

We see Mr. Horsie for maybe a minute before we never see him again. He gets outmoded in favor of machinery. What in the turn-of-the-century BS is this, Nintendo? To quote a wise man, “Dude, where’s my horse??”

My initial concerns were over the basicness of this random wild horse, which told me that our beloved pons from the last game wouldn’t carry over. That means that our editor Britt Hayes’ horse, fondly named Lydia Tár, will not be making a reappearance. And to that I say, utter chicanery! Bamboozlement! But now, knowing that there’s a new motor carriage in town? My Horse Girl lips are trembling.

Nintendo, I am on my hands and knees: If Tears of the Kingdom outmodes my favorite horse, Captain Butterscotch, I’m gonna be a wreck. I play video games to INDULGE in fantasies, and in many cases, even just the act of owning a horse is a fantasy in and of itself—I don’t want to have to MAKE MY OWN CAR in my fantasy game! I’ve already got years of car-related stress from growing up in L.A. to work out. All I want is a dinky little nag and a local town to saunter into! Let me live!

I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see til May 12. I can already tell you this, though: If the game forces me to leave my horse in some godforsaken wasteland while I build some ratty little buggie, I’m still gonna do it, but I’ll complain the entire time.

(featured image: Quensadilla and Nintendo, via Madeline Carpou)


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Author
Madeline Carpou
Madeline (she/her) is a staff writer with a focus on AANHPI and mixed-race representation. She enjoys covering a wide variety of topics, but her primary beats are music and gaming. Her journey into digital media began in college, primarily regarding audio: in 2018, she started producing her own music, which helped her secure a radio show and co-produce a local history podcast through 2019 and 2020. After graduating from UC Santa Cruz summa cum laude, her focus shifted to digital writing, where she's happy to say her History degree has certainly come in handy! When she's not working, she enjoys taking long walks, playing the guitar, and writing her own little stories (which may or may not ever see the light of day).