These Are the Sexiest of Tumblr Sexymen
Dear internet, I’m horny.
No internet, I’m not in the mood for any Studio Ghibli bachelors. .. they’re just so … tame. I’ve even grown tired of these traditionally attractive anime boys. They’re blasé. They’re tiresome. They’re just so … unoriginal.
I don’t want someone with a perfect face and perfect body. I want someone with a hot face and a hot body. There’s a difference, internet. I’m aware that mainstream sources of thirst don’t make this clear. Take internet porn, for instance. Internet porn tries to get me turned on by showing me classically sexy people (for the most part) doing classically sexy things (again, for the most part). But I don’t want classically sexy people. I want confusingly sexy people. I want to experience an attraction that I do not entirely understand.
Like getting abducted by aliens and being weirdly into their big brains and their little gray bodies. Like being attracted to an anthropomorphic shark or something. Like being attracted to one of those Wacky Waving Inflatable Tube Men because he’s so energetic and flexible. Internet, if there’s one thing I know about sexuality, it’s that it cannot be reasoned with. It is confusing and strange, and we do not choose what we are attracted to, be it man, woman, human, or maybe an animated celestial body with a face.
But internet, I feel as if you don’t understand this. I google “sexy people” and I’m left cold by the perfect, tanned bodies. And so I must turn away from your traditional sources of sexiness, and instead dive into the Wild West of Human Sexuality.
I’m referring, of course, to Tumblr. And the plethora of sexy sexymen on it.
Take notes, internet. You may learn something.
Sans from Undertale may in fact be the Sexiest of All Sexymen. The Most High. The Exalted. For him, the flames of thirst burn brightly. For indeed, all of Tumblr seems to want to jump his bones. Quite literally. Why is is? He’s a skeleton, you say? Oh internet, you don’t quite seem to understand, do you?
At first glance, Sans seems like a nice skeleman. He’s got a sweet little hoodie, and he says charmingly funny things to the player. He also possesses a weirdly low and sexy voice that indeed may belie a more filthy nature below the surface of his “too cool for school” façade. For indeed, there is something powerfully sexy that lurks inside of Sans. And one can only understand it by playing the Evil/Genocide Run of Undertale, where the protagonist kills all the monsters instead of befriending them.
Sweet little Sans serves as a final boss in the round, and that’s where the sexiness begins. His eyes glow with a sexy blue flame, and he changes form into a terrifying skeletal beast that attempts to dominate the player into submission. And that, internet, is the first rule of sexiness: power. The most handsome of traditionally sexy men pales in comparison to a creature with such raw magnitudes of power. He can have anything he wants including us, and we are powerless to stop him, in a sexy way.
I understand that this is a lot to take in all at once(ler). But indeed, The Oncler from the animated film The Lorax is responsible for more thirst in than the Sahara Desert. Why, you ask? I have one answer: style. The Oncler lacks the raw power of characters like Sans, but he’s sexy because he has a powerful fashion sense. I mean, look at him. Who doesn’t love a man in a suit? And those emo bangs? He’s a little heartthrob.
But this isn’t even where he gets the most stylish. After he realizes that he can make a shit ton of money by chopping down all the Trufulla trees in the Lorax’s forest, his style game levels up. He puts on a fly-ass green suit and starts acting like a totally bad bitch, and Tumblr has gone apeshit for it. The only problem is, the Onceler doesn’t have a suitable canon match with whom he can be drawn en flagrante delicto, so the fandom came up with a solution: Oncest.
Yes, that’s correct. The Onceler’s target of affections is himself. Fans began drawing armies of Oncelers—entirely different species of Oncelers. What’s better than a hot boy? A hot boy making out with another hot boy. And in this case, the other hot boy is also the Onceler but in a different costume. Entire fanfics were conceived of the bright eyed, semi-innocent Onceler at the beginning of the movie being corrupted by his green-suited “Greedler” alter ego. It’s weird. And weirdly sexy. What’s wrong with a little self love? NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT.
Ok I know what you’re thinking, mainstream internet: This dude is a fool. Aratake Reigen from Mob Psycho 100 is a fake. A hack. A dissembler. Taking in an actually psychic child and pawning yourself off as a master psychic so the kid will do your bidding is morally repugnant and totally not a sexy thing to do, right? WRONG. You thought wrong, mainstream internet, and I’ll tell you why. Aside from always appearing in a suit, which is generally a prerequisite for all Tumblr sexymen, Arataka Reigen has one sexy attribute in spades: confidence.
The man will stand up to anything. He will walk up to powerful evil psychics or horrifying evil spirits and give them a fucking piece of his mind. After all, he is a con-man, and that “con” stands for “confidence,” in case you didn’t know. He also has a good heart, which can be very sexy, and is always telling his ward Mob to stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. He acts as a sort of father figure to Mob, and perhaps this is where the real sexiness begins because he is a sort of confident caretaker.
Arataka Reigen would show up to my house to pick me up on Prom Night, promise my parents to have me back by 11, show me an absolutely wild time where we dance and party and probably end up being chased by some kind of horrible spirit monster. He would outwit said monster, we’d neck for a little while, and then he’d bring me back at 3:00AM and somehow skillfully convince my mistrustful father that there was no other way he could have gotten me back any earlier.
Then I will blow him a kiss, and he will make one of his weird noises and then drive away, but not before telling me that he will psychically communicate with me on his way home and I will believe him and convince myself that I hear his voice in my head as I drift off to sleep. And THAT is sexy, mainstream internet. I HOPE YOU’RE WRITING THIS DOWN.
“Ohhhhh no” you must be thinking. The other members of this list were at least human, or once human, in Sans’ case. You misunderstand, mainstream internet. A sexyman need not be a man at all for my thirst to be awakened like a basilisk in the chamber of secrets I call my underwear. He can also be a sexy anthropomorphic cat and that will ALSO get the job done. And quite a cat he is.
For one thing, he’s wearing an adorable suit, which you now know is a sexyman presexquisite. But that’s not the only thing about Raymond that makes him sexy. He also has heterochromia (which is the only hetero thing about this particular cat), meaning that he has two different colored eyes. HOT. He is also one of the “smug” citizens of Animal Crossing and loves to talk about how fashionable he is, causing me to bat my eyelashes and sigh “I know you are.”
He also is super flirty with the player character, regardless of their gender, and so the fandom has adopted him as a bi-icon. There’s also a movement to make him/them genderqueer as well. It isn’t canon, BUT IT SHOULD BE. Fans have taken to drawing Raymond in a maid outfit which is REALLY WEIRDLY SEXY in a way that I do not entirely understand. Raymond can mop the floor with me anytime.
Okay now calm down. CALM DOWN. STOP SCREAMING “NO, IMPOSSIBLE” BECAUSE IT IS NOT ONLY POSSIBLE IT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
The horrifying elder god from Gravity Falls is indeed a sexyman, and I will tell you why. On Tumblr, the fandoms love their morally grey to downright evil characters. Those characters do unspeakable things? Tumblr wants to do unspeakable things to them. Unspeakably sexy things. Okay good, I’m glad that you’re beginning to calm down. But I can see in your shifting doe-like eyes that you are confused and scared. That’s okay. Bill Cypher is a confusing and scary guy. See, the thing about sexual attraction is that we actually like things that are confusing and scary because the emotion of fear and the emotion of sexual arousal move through the body in very similar ways.
Think about it. Your heart beats faster, your breath hitches in your chest, you feel lightheaded, you start to sweat, you shake, you can’t think straight, you crave a release from the hold the emotion has over you. Does it make sense now? It’s the very reason why sex and violence go together in entertainment. It’s why you kinda want to fuck the person who you just rode a roller coaster with. And Bill Cypher is that roller coaster.
He is an evil entity with magical powers who is attempting to bring about the apocalypse. But maybe you, dear reader, can be the one person sexy enough to seduce him and stop it. Or maybe you two can watch the world burn together. AND THAT’S SEXY. Allow me to be clear, the internet is not thirsting over Bill in his gross one-eyed triangle form. Tumblr can do better, and they have. They’ve drawn Bill to be a sexy man in a yellow suit (remember the thing about suits) and a hot eyepatch and evil look in his one good eye. And it WORKS. It works so well that the creators of Gravity Falls actually drew an ugly version of human Bill to make it stop working. But that DIDN’T WORK. Because Tumblr is like a dog with a bone—a very sexy bone (like Sans). Once it bites down, it never lets go.
(featured image: Bones)
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