The Sexiest Anime Villains of All Time
Back for more, are you?
I thought you had already had enough with this list, but boy was I wrong. Note to self: Never underestimate the depths of your perversity.
So you want villains now? Alright, fine. I can handle that. See, unlike the protagonists of most anime, many of the villains are already of age. What age, you ask? You know what age I mean.
You know what? If if it’ll keep you away from the schoolgirls, I’ll give you a list of the sexiest anime villains of all time. Because you deserve each other, one sick bastard to another.
10. Dio Brando
Let’s start with this hunk of meat from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Dio Brando is prime rib. Kobe beef. Wagyu for God’s sake. His body is flawless. He’s in perfect physical condition. And his face? The height of masculine beauty. And to quite literally top it all off, he has the most immaculately quaffed hair that this author has ever seen. Plus he’s basically a vampire, so he’ll totally suck your neck or whatever floats your freaky boat.
9. Shogo Makashima
I bet you’re one of those true crime lovers, aren’t you? The freaky ones always are. Lemme guess, you wanna jump Bundy’s bones? Get down and dirty with Dahmer? Yeah. I know your type. That’s why I know you’ll love Shogo Makashima from Pyscho Pass. He’s every serial killer fetishist’s wet dream. He’s handsome, he’s intelligent, and he will totally slit your throat with a straight razor. But that’s probably how someone like you wants to meet their maker, huh?
8. Madara Uchiha
Younger men not your type? Fine. How about the dark DILF of the Naruto universe, Madara Uchiha? After all, he’s one of the strongest ninjas of all time. He can take on an entire army singlehandedly. But you don’t care about that, do you? You love him for the world weary lines on his face. The mane of his night colored hair. You love him because he’s got the Rinne Sharingan in his eyes, and you’d do anything for him to eye fuck you with them.
But maybe Madara’s secret goal of world peace is too lofty? Maybe you want someone who wants power for power’s sake? Enter Cowboy Bebop‘s Vicious. I’m sure you two will get along. He has the face of a fallen angel and the eyes of a cold-blooded reptile. And I’m sure that you’ll do anything to make him smile that twisted grin. I’m sure you’ll get it while he’s quite literally stabbing you from behind. With his sword. I didn’t mean—God, now you’ve got me thinking the thoughts.
But maybe you’re just not into men in general? I’ve got a general for you. I’m sure you’ll obey her every command. Akame Ga Kill‘s Esdeath is a woman in uniform, and I’m sure you’d do anything to get her out of it. Unlucky for you, I don’t think she will. She’s in love with the protagonist of the series (no surprise there). She just can’t get enough of his pure-of-heart smile. You’ve got a long way to go before you’re even on the same planet as “pure of heart.” You need a “cure of heart.” Yours is all wrong.
Lust is a woman who knows how to take what she wants. More often than not, it’s somebody’s life. She’s one of the deadliest characters in Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. The average person would not want to meet her in a dark alley. But you’re not the average person, are you? You’d lick the floor of that alley if she told you to. Don’t act like you wouldn’t. Unlucky for you, Lust’s name doesn’t match her personality. She’s not interested in anybody. Ever. She just uses the fact that everyone lusts over her to further her own ends. You’re just another pawn in her sexy, sexy game.
Admit it: Jessie was where it all started. You were nine years old, in your parent’s basement watching Pokemon. You thought you had a thing for Misty, but Misty was too innocent. You might have liked Nurse Joy, but she was too sweet for you. Officer Jenny came close, but she was too dedicated to the forces of good. And then Jesse came in with her long red hair and belly shirt and Team Rocketed your world. Jesse is what we call a “gateway bad girl,” which is kind of like a gateway drug. She wouldn’t do you any harm, just like a puff of the devil’s lettuce wouldn’t hurt you. But once you start smoking Beelzebub’s bok choy you get a hankering for the harder stuff. Jesse wasn’t your be-all end-all anime bad girl crush, but she was definitely your first.
So we’re only a few episodes into Chainsaw Man and already Makima has solidified herself as one of the sexiest anime villains in history. And it all came from one scene. YOU KNOW WHAT SCENE I’M TALKING ABOUT. It’s the scene where Denji tells Makima that his first go at touching boobs was a bit of a let down. She then takes his hand tells him that intimate feels better between two people who know each other well.
She runs her fingers along his, asking him to examine her hand. The shape of her fingers. Her palms. The texture. She then places his hand on her ear, and asks him what it feels like. By this point Denji is already losing his composure. Then she runs his fingers across her lips and asks him how it feels. She then bites his finger and asks him to memorize the sensation so he would know that it’s her biting him even in the dark. And by this point me and Denji both are feeling a little flushed. Then of course she places his hand on her boob, and he falls to the floor screaming. Well played, Makima. Denji will do anything for you now.
2. Ragyo Kiryuin
But maybe you’re not into younger woman at all. Maybe you’re the rare, perverted bird that can only get off to an evil animated MILF. Well then I’m sure you’ve already heard of Ragyo Kiryuin from Kill La Kill. The woman needs no introduction. She might be the most pure evil gal on this list. She wants to enslave the entire world using alien technology, you included. I’m sure you’ll be first in line when her company starts handing out t-shirts with mind controlling stitches sown into them. You’d probably ask to get one stitched into your gimp suit and hope that she walks all over you while you wear it. You’ll have to wait in line for a while. I’m sure plenty of other pervs had the same idea.
Maybe you’re not into women either. Maybe you’re not into people at all. Maybe you stay up late wishing you could worship a god—someone to really to get on your knees for. I’m sure that’d you kill for Death Note’s Ryuk. You’d fill the whole notebook up in a day, wouldn’t you? I’m aware that Ryuk may not be sexy in a normal way, but you’re not exactly keen on being normal in the first place. Maybe it’s his impeccable sense of gothic fashion. Maybe it’s the soulless look in his eyes. Maybe it’s that sharp-toothed grin that could seduce a shark. I don’t know what kind of twisted things go on in the dark corners of your horny mind, and I don’t wanna find out.
(featured image: Bones)
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