Tom Hooper’s 2019 film adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 1981 stage musical Cats was nothing short of disastrous. Despite the efforts of an Academy Award-winning director, an all-star cast, and a massive budget, Cats was critically and commercially reviled as one of the worst films of the year. While Cats was a meme goldmine, it will largely be remembered as a very expensive and bizarre misfire. After all, what other film could boast calls for a butthole edit? But as we look back at Cats, we can’t help but realize that this film is extremely queer. All these cats seem to be sleeping with each other, there are plenty of sequined outfits, and the film is dripping in camp. Despite the cats of Cats all being members of a queer polycule, some of them are more queer than others. Here’s our definitive ranking of the cats from Cats from straightest to gayest. Note: The cats listed below are the main players in the 2019 film adaptation, and do not include all named characters in the original musical. But come on, those cats are definitely queer too.
14. Victoria
Victoria is the protagonist in the 2019 movie adaptation of the musical Cats. Though she has very few lines, she manages to stand out as the least gay on our list. Portrayed by British ballerina Francesca Hayward, you’d think she would dazzle her audience with a bit more flair. Unfortunately, we got more of a “go girl, give us nothing!” vibe from her. That’s not to say that Ms. Hayward isn’t an extremely talented dancer; she’s clearly highly trained and excels at her craft. Her character, however, left something to be desired. She’s also the only cat that doesn’t have a drag name. This is straight culture.
Bonus: When invited to vogue in a Jellicle dance circle, Victoria opted to do ballet (3:30).
13. Jennyanydots
Played by IRL queer actor Rebel Wilson, Jennyanydots is a Gumbie cat that mostly bosses around mice and cockroaches. Girlboss, Gatekeep, Gumbie cat? My only comment on Ms. Dots is the bedazzled shortsuit (2:47) she wore during her number.
12. Bombalurina
Portrayed by Taylor Swift, Bombalurina performs a sensual number formally introducing the main villain Macavity. She sits at #14 on our list because although she exudes an air of mystery about her sexuality, she literally puts everyone to sleep with catnip, something a queer performer would fight like hell to prevent. However, Gaylor fans may feel differently about this ranking.
11. Grizabella
Grizabella is the ousted, once-beautiful glamour cat (spoiler: she’s also the Jellicle Choice). She places eleventh on our list because of her love for drama, tea, chaos, and the spotlight. Though these can also be straight qualities, we have to keep the big picture in mind: that she was once part of the larger queer cat polycule. Her backstory is that she was kicked out of the ‘cule for being ugly. Ouch. Played by Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson, Grizabella sings the most iconic song of the musical, “Memory”. But as far as ballads go, “Memory” is straight as hell. Gays remember EVERYTHING.
Bonus: She keeps the same vestments she wore in her prime, queen of sustainable fashion!
10. Mungojerrie
Mungojerrie (Danny Collins) is the male twin to Rumpleteazer, who collaborates to steal finery from humans. There’s the obvious pun that they are literal cat burglars, but I think their story goes a bit deeper than that. I challenge you to think of a gayer criminal than a cat burglar. Additionally, during their robbery number, Mungo beelines it for the textiles.
Bonus: The twin thieves truly live out the internet mantra “Be gay, do crime.”
9. Munkustrap
Munk (Robbie Fairchild) is Victoria’s unofficial guide as she enters the Jellicle world. It’s hard to offer a concrete example of why Munkustrap is ninth on our list, but we just can’t deny the queer vibes. I think a case could be made that Munk is Victoria’s “gay BFF” a la early 2000s rom-coms. He’s also Old Deuteronomy’s second in command, so he’s not intimidated by strong women. Something to think about.
8. Rumpleteazer
The female counterpart to Mungojerrie, Rumple (Naoimh Morgan) has a bit more flair than her brother. This is why I’m placing her slightly higher on the gay scale. Perhaps it’s her playful flirtation with Victoria as she and Mungo entice her into a life of crime, adorning her in jewels and drawing her into their con. In any event, Rumple has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi that places her at number eight.
7. Old Deuteronomy
Old Deuteronomy, or Old Doot for short, is portrayed by the very talented Dame Judi Dench. I know what you might be thinking: How on earth did she make it this far on the list? Look a bit closer, though, and you’ll find she also gives off quite strong elder lesbian energy. And she’s a woman playing a role traditionally played by a man, which is queer culture. “She’s mother,” as Twitter regulars might put it. Old Doot also loves a good rhyme, which I’m going to go ahead and claim for the gay community.
Bonus: Old Doot is infatuated with the moon, which is very queer.
6. Mr. Mistoffelees
Now listen: we all know the stage adaptation of Mistoffelees (Laurie Davidson) is gay gay gay (1:47). Bafflingly, the film decided to make him a fumbling fool with a straight romance plot. Mr. Mistoffelees is sixth on the list because I reject his portrayal in the film and will only acknowledge his stage characterization. That said, the very gay stage version of Mistoffelees does not compare to the remaining gay jellicles on the list as they appear in the film. Think of Mistoffelees’s placement on this list as a sort of lateral move to keep him in the discourse, and please never speak to me about what they did to him in the movie.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the evidence: first of all, Mistoffelees does magic, and we all know that wizards are queer-coded. Close-up magic has been appropriated by straight men on the street with tip jars, but make no mistake: launching a bunch of flowers out of your sleeve (5:23) is gay as hell.
Bonus: Mr. Mistoffelees traditionally wears a bejeweled jacket, which the movie respectfully stayed true to. His look is a bit homespun in the film, and what could be gayer than sitting at home bedazzling a secondhand blazer?
5. Rum Tum Tugger
Some of you may have seen this coming. Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo) is number five on our list because he’s a fussy little bitch, and he lives for a wardrobe reveal (2:39). He may have a devoted following of mainly female cats, but make no mistake. His fur ruffle is extravagant. Tugger loves a statement piece, which could be why he likes hiding in dresser drawers and wardrobes. But this behavior could also indicate a much sadder reality, that our bisexual king is still in the closet. There’s no need to hide when your name could easily double as the title of a gay porno.
Bonus: his fur coat is lined with purple silk.
4. Skimbleshanks
The only reason my beloved Skimble (Steven McRae) is fourth on this list is because he is out-queered by the remaining cats. Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat has a very important job as a porter for passenger trains. Yet he is usually missing from his post (it’s very bisexual to wander off at work, I do it often). He’s probably just busy absolutely eating the girlies up and pulling focus during every. Single. Group. Number. Also, a handlebar mustache and suspenders with no shirt? Daddy. I dare you to watch Cats and notice anyone but Skimble. He has sparkle, he has panache, and most importantly, he has those bright-ass red pants.
I could go on endlessly, but I’ll wrap this one up: Skimble incorporates handography into his number, he tap dances an enemy into submission, and he pirouettes into heaven (4:39). LITERALLY spinning to the Gods.
3. Gus (Asparagus)
Two words: theatre queen. Gus (played by gay icon Ian McKellen) is a skinny legend passionate about the performing arts, which is kind of meta if you think about it. Despite his age, dusty jacket, and general weirdness, when it’s his turn to plead his case for being the Jellicle choice, he commands the room. He has a stage presence, which he has honed over his long career as a performer. He has all the cats in the room hanging on his every word, a natural-born storyteller! I’m not sure I can convey his queenhood with mere words, so see for yourself what I’m talking about.
Bonus: At one point in the film, Gus literally murders an enemy and then immediately sings a show tune.
2. Bustopher Jones
If you don’t know about Bustopher (James Corden), here you go. Do I need to spell it out? He’s the Cat about Town!
Bonus: He’s the original Brunch Girlie. And he’s late for the Jellicle Ball. Tardy AND hungry? We see you, Bustopher.
1. Macavity
Let’s get right to it: our queer villain Macavity (Idris Elba) serves up reveals, rocks colored contacts, is unaffected by gravity, steals jewels, doesn’t like your trellis, and is willing to sabotage the competition to win this pageant. He makes an entrance and an exit every single time, booked Taylor Swift to introduce him with a burlesque number (which he no doubt choreographed himself), and travels hither and thither in clouds of sparkles. In a word: sickening. In three words: boots the house. In sum? He really is ineffable.
(featured image: Universal Pictures)
