*Snorts a fat line off a glass table*
You bitches feel like gettin’ crazy?
*Nose starts bleeding, licks it*
C’mon… you don’t seriously want to listen to the dick with the glasses jerk off to his own intellect right? And I know FOR A FACT that you’re not gonna find a better party if you Irish goodbye and go kick rocks on your own like these losers.
*cutting five more fat lines with an AmEx Black Card*
If you’re anything like me, you wanna find where the fucking vibe is right? You wanna paaaaarty? Yeah? I THOUGHT SO.
*rolling $100 bill into a straw*
Listen, I know a guy. I know all the guys. I know like every guy there is to know. And how do I know that I know them? Because I’m a FUCKING. ESTP. BITCH.
*takes all five lines to the face*
WOOOO!!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHO I KNOW? DO YOU!? I KNOW THESE FUCKING PEOPLE. WHO ARE “THESE PEOPLE”? MY FAVORITE FUCKING ANIME CHARACTERS THAT’S WHO! I’VE DONE SO MUCH BLOW TONIGHT THAT I SWEAR TO GOD THEY’RE ALL REAL!!!
*smashes head through the glass table*
AND ONCE I PULL THIS SHARD GLASS OUT OF MY EYE YOU’RE GONNA MEET THEM.
REVY!!?!?!
REVY FROM BLACK LAGOON IS MY NUMBER ONE BITCH. SHE’S FUCKING AWESOME. SHE LOVES TO PARTY, JUST LIKE ME. AND HER DEFINITION OF “PARTY” IS “MURDER”.
YEAH THIS BITCH GOES APESHIT FOR KILLING PEOPLE. IT’S HER FAVORITE THING TO DO. I KNOW THAT SHE’S A FUCKING “ENTREPRENEUR” BECAUSE SHE WILL SELL YOU BULLETS FOR FREE. AND SHE WILL DELIVER THEM BY HAND TO YOUR FACE. SERIOUSLY, SHE LOVES TAKING RISKS. ALL ESTPS DO. SO SHE GOT A FULL TIME JOB IS DEFENDING A CREW OF FUCKED UP CRIMINALS FROM OTHER FUCKED UP CRIMINALS THROUGH LETHAL MEANS. AND SHE’S FUCKING GOOD AT IT. WHY WOULDN’T SHE BE? ENTREPRENEURS ARE BOLD. THEY’VE GOT BRASS BALLS. AND THIS GIRL MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THREE OF THEM.
ALSO, SHE GETS REALLY FREAKED OUT BY INTIMACY. BUT DON’T TELL HER I SAID THAT BECAUSE I LIKE BEING ALIVE. SO KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICE DOWN WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT HER!!! BUT YEAH SHE HATES INTIMACY LIKE LOTS OF ESTPS DO. BUT SHE TOTALLY WANTS TO BONE ONE OF HER CREW MEMBERS NAMED “ROCK”. HE’S THIS JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN TURNED PIRATE AND IF THERE’S ANYTHING I KNOW ABOUT JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN IS THAT THEY FUCKING LOVE TO PARTY. AND DRINK. IT’S HONESTLY A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN BUT SHE’LL NEVER ADMIT IT. SHOULD I TELL “ROCK” OMG I’M TOTALLY GONNA TELL ROCK.
!!!! FAYE !!!!
OKAY SO I JUST TOLD ROCK AND WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. SERIOUSLY WE GOTTA LEAVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE ROCK IS GONNA TALK TO REVY AND REVY IS GONNA “TALK” TO ME WITH A .357 MAGNUM. GET IN THIS LIMO.
*breaks glass of a parked limo with fist.*
*opens door and throws sleeping driver out*
*shoves you inside and drives*
OK SO WHILE WE’RE IN THIS STOLEN LIMO ON THE WAY TO MY SAFEHOUSE I GUESS I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MY OTHER FRIEND FAYE. SHE’S FROM COWBOY BEBEOP SO YOU KNOW SHE’S COOL. TOTAL ENTREPRENEUR. SHE SELLS THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING IN HER PRESENCE. SERIOUSLY SHE’S A TOTAL BAD BITCH SO EVERY DUDE IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM WANTS TO GET WITH HER. SO SHE GOES TO ALL THESE RICH GUY PARTIES AND FLEECES DUDES FOR ALL THEY’RE WORTH. SERIOUSLY, SHE’S AWESOME. SUPER BOLD. OH SHIT POLICE BARRICADE.
*swerves*
AND SHE TOTALLY HAS INTIMACY PROBLEMS AS WELL. LIKE SHE’S SUPER IN LOVE WITH SPIKE SPIEGEL BUT SERIOUSLY WHO ISN’T? SHE CAN’T ADMIT IT TO HIM THOUGH. SHE CAN’T EVEN ADMIT IT TO HERSELF. SHOULD I CALL HIM AND TELL HIM? I’M GONNA CALL HIM.
*dials phone*
INOSUKE????
YO SPIKE ITS ME. NO I’M NOT ON BATH SALTS RIGHT NOW IT WAS COKE. WAIT I THINK IT WAS COKE. WHATEVER FAYE LIKES YOU BYE!
OH SHIT I TOTALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE TOLD HIM THAT. NOW FAYE IS GONNA KILL ME. THEY’LL KNOW WE’RE IN A LIMO IT’S SO OBVIOUS. WE GOTTA GO ON FOOT. JUMP.
*you jump out of the limo, it goes over the highway divider into the river below*.
DON’T WORRY MY SAFEHOUSE ISN’T FAR. GET ON MY BACK IT’LL BE FASTER THAT WAY.
*you do*
OKAY SO WHILE WE’RE HERE I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MY BOY INOSUKE. I CAN’T TAKE HIM OUT TO CLUBS AND SHIT BECAUSE HE’S TECHNICALLY A MINOR BUT THAT’S CHILL BECAUSE HE WOULDN’T LIKE IT ANYWAY. HE LIVES IN THE MOUNTAINS AND EATS BUGS AND SHIT AND HE’S A TOTAL ENTREPRENEUR TYPE BUT HE ONLY SELLS TO A CERTAIN TYPE OF THING TO A CERTAIN TYPE OF CLIENT: DEATH TO DEMONS. YEAH HE RUNS AROUND WEARING A DEAD BOAR’S HEAD AND KILLS DEMONS ALL DAY. HE GOT IT FROM ME. SUCH A VIBE. HANG ON WE GOTTA JUMP THE FRONT GATE.
*vaults over a 9 foot gate*
OKAY WE’RE ALMOST THERE. SO SPOILER ALERT INOSUKE WAS RAISED BY BOARS AND I’M LIKE “SAME” BUT THE BOAR’S HEAD THAT HE WEARS IS PROBABLY HIS MOMMA BOAR’S HEAD BUT THAT’S JUST MY HEADCANON AND IT MIGHT PISS OFF THE FANDOM IF I SAY THAT IT’S CANON OH SHIT THE FANDOM’S HERE.
*dodges a flying pitchfork*
THERE’S THE DOOR. GET INSIDE.
……………………………mugen.
okay so we have to whisper a now or else everyone is gonna find us and kill us so to calm us down I’ll tell you about my boy Mugen. My boy Mugen from Samurai Champloo is an entrepreneur but he gives death away for free to anyone who wants it. All the guy does is wander around the countryside looking for a fight and trying to kill people. He’s bold as hell and also totally loves to eat food and party and just lay around in the sun. He doesn’t have a home and I’m like “same” so he just wanders around the countryside selling his sword skills to anyone who will buy them. He can be pretty insensitive like a lot of other ESTPs and he’s usually trying to kill his frenemy Jin just because Jin’s the only person that he hasn’t been able to yet. But I think deep down he secretly loves Jin. I think he might even a be little gay for the guy but again that’s just my headcanon so-
*an axe bursts through the door*
OH SHIT THE FANDOM FOUND US!!!!
NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!
OKAY SO WHILE WE’RE WAITING TO GET TORN TO SHREDS BY TWO SEPARATE FANDOMS AND REVY AND FAYE AND SPIKE AND THAT LIMO DRIVER AND WHOEVER ELSE LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY OTHER FRIEND NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD. NICKY D. IS FROM TRIGUN AND HE’S A REALLY COOL PRIEST WHO I TOTALLY WISH WAS HERE BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO MAKE MY PEACE WITH GOD RIGHT NOW. NICKY NICK NICK IS AN ENTREPRENEUR WHO GOES AROUND SELLING MIRACLES TO PEOPLE AND EACH ONE OF THOSE MIRACLES IS A BULLET FROM THE GIANT CROSS SHAPED GUN ON HIS BACK. HE’S SUPER BOLD AND DARING AND HE’S ALSO REALLY SOCIABLE AND FRIENDLY LIKE THE BEST ESTPS ARE. DEFINITELY HAS A LITTLE TROUBLE BEING VULNERABLE WITH PEOPLE AND HE’S TOTAL INTO THIS INSURANCE AGENT NAMED MILLIE AND I DON’T CARE IF HE HEARS ME BECAUSE I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE ANYMORE. HONESTLY HE NEEDS TO TELL HER. ALL OF THESE ESTPS NEED TO TELL PEOPLE THAT THEY LOVE THEM BECAUSE THAT WAY THEY WOULD BE HAPPIER I’M SURE OF IT. I’LL START. I LOVE YOU. I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. FROM THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU. I’VE LOVED YOU SINCE SECOND GRADE WHEN I USED TO PULL YOUR PIGTAILS IN THE BACK OF SISTER THERESA MARY’S CLASS AT CATHOLIC SCHOOL. YOU NEVER WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL? I DON’T CARE WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Wait. I don’t hear that axe anymore, do you?
*looks outside*
Oh woah there’s no one there! Sorry, I really gotta chill with buying drugs from people I don’t know.
….
Still wanna get married tho…?
Featured image credit: Fuji TV
