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Stop Eating Cannibal Sandwiches, You Absolute Maniacs

Stop sullying the good name of sandwiches everywhere.

mads mikkelsen

Wisconsin, we need to talk. You have so many wonderful things in the Badger state, like cheese, cheese hats, and the literal Land O’ Lakes. You have plenty of other non-dairy qualities I love in a state, so much so that I spent the entire summer and fall phone and text banking in Wisconsin for Joe Biden. I mean, Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin? STUNNING. Circus World Museum in Baraboo? Iconic.

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But while my love for you is like my love for cheese, I remain steadfastly (lactose) intolerant to this monstrosity known as the cannibal sandwich. For those of you blessedly ignorant of this sin against nature, I apologize. The cannibal sandwich (also known as the tiger meat sandwich, which BARF) is raw ground beef, raw onion slices, and salt and pepper on a piece of bread.


Somehow, the cannibal sandwich has conned its way into Midwest holiday traditions, because it’s just not the winter season without explosive diarrhea and Salmonella I guess? Now look, I enjoy beef carpaccio as much as the next carnivore, but a raw meat sandwich? In THIS economy? No thank you.

This insult to sandwiches, which I can only assume is based on a dare, must be some sort of holiday competition where you eat one and then race against time to take off your many layers of winter clothing before you shit your pants.

Now, because people are idiots, the Wisconsin Department of Health Services (DHS) had to tweet that “eating raw meat is NEVER recommended because of the bacteria it can contain.”

DHS, which said it issues this reminder annually (yikes), elaborated on the dangers of raw meat in a Facebook post, where they reminded Wisconsinites, “Many Wisconsin families consider them to be a holiday tradition, but eating them poses a threat for Salmonella, E. coli O157:H7, Campylobacter and Listeria bacteria that can make you sick. (And, no, it doesn’t matter where you buy your beef!).”

But, as with everything else in 2020, the cannibal sandwich warning is especially dire. As hospitals across the country are flooded with new COVID-19 cases, beds are limited and healthcare workers are under enormous stress. So while these people remain our only defense against the pandemic, please don’t waste their time with your uncontrollable raw meat stomach issues.

I would hope that people would take personal responsibility and not intentionally poison themselves, but given America’s failure to wear a goddamn piece of cloth over their faces to protect one another, I’m doubtful.

In summation Wisconsin, wear your masks, cook your beef to an internal temperature of 160 degrees Fahrenheit, and have a happy and safe holiday season.

(via CNN, featured image: Brooke Palmer/NBC)

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.