Last week, Star Trek: Lower Decks season 4, episode 2, “I Have No Bones, Yet I Must Flee,” unveiled its newest lovable abomination: Moopsy, a living marshmallow that flops around, chirps its adorable name and catch phrase (“Moopsy!”) and sucks the bones out of every living thing it encounters.
You can tell that a lot of thought went into making Moopsy as cute as possible. That floppy, roly-poly locomotion! That butt-waggle just before it feeds! That incredible voice! It’s so cute!
But how cute? Cuteness is a competitive industry. How does Moopsy rank against all the other cute things in this big ol’ universe?
I made it my mission to find out.
Moopsy versus tribbles
Tribbles are sort of the ur-Moopsy: they’re a Star Trek creation that ramped up the cuteness to a thousand percent, only to stun audiences with a hideous dark side. (In the case of tribbles, they don’t drink bones, they just have a zillion babies.) The problem with tribbles, though—aside from the breeding—is that they don’t have visible faces. You can be adorable without a face, but that body type will only take you so far. Moopsy has a sweet lil’ punim you just want to squish, so Moopsy wins.
Moopsy versus Pikachu
Pikachu has always been pretty cute, but never terrifyingly cute. Like, Pikachu’s cute enough that you want to give him an ear scritch, but not so mind-blowingly cute that you want to stuff him in your mouth. That’s why they had to introduce Pichu as an even cuter version of Pikachu. It’s still no contest, though—Moopsy’s cuter than Pikachu and Pichu combined.
Moopsy versus Data’s cat Spot
My chief complaint about Star Trek: The Next Generation is that we never saw enough of Spot, Data’s orange tabby. Remember that scene where Worf has to take care of Spot, and Data’s like, “You must tell him he’s a pretty cat. And a good cat.” We should have had at least seven minutes of that kind of Spot-focused content per episode. Aww, and remember in Picard when Data said that Spot was “the best” of him? Oh, and the poem he wrote about Spot! And when Data thought Spot was dead but Spot survived and Data started crying? Spot and Moopsy are tied.
Moopsy versus Worf’s pet Targ
A targ is a kind of unicorn pig. Like, a boar with a shaggy mane-thing and a big rhinoceros horn sticking out of its forehead. In The Next Generation, we find out that Worf had a pet targ as a kid, when an illusion of it appears on the Enterprise due to space weirdness. The targ was played by a Russian wild boar named Emmy-Lou. Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard? Sorry, Moopsy, but Worf’s targ is cuter.
Moopsy versus Boo the Dog
Oh, Boo. You always brightened up my timeline on a gray, hopeless day. Boo was a famous Pomeranian influencer pup who lived with his brother Buddy, until he passed away in 2019. Boo wasn’t just cute—he was rivetingly cute. Like, my hand would stop scrolling and time would dilate while I stared, mesmerized, at his adorable little nose. Moopsy’s pretty great, but Boo takes this round.
Moopsy versus Jorts the Cat
I love Jorts the cat. I love his silliness, I love his chaotic personality, I love his human’s photography skills, and I love his commitment to union organizing. If this were an all-around personality contest, I’d pick the sharp-witted labor champion over the bone drinker, but when it comes to pure cuteness? Jorts is too badass and impressive, even when he’s being a silly guy. This one has to go to Moopsy.
Moopsy versus Pusheen
Moopsy and Pusheen are cut from the same cloth: squishy, cheerful blobs who just want a lil’ snack. But has the media landscape become over-saturated with Pusheen? Have Pusheen and all her friends started to lose their luster? I don’t know, but when it comes to cute things that I just want to stare at forever, I’m going to have to go with Moopsy.
Moopsy versus Badgey
Why exactly is Badgey on this list? I don’t know, but I felt compelled to include him. Badgey is meant to be cute in the same way that Microsoft’s Clippy is meant to be cute: he contains all the elements of cuteness, but in the end, they don’t add up to something that’s objectively cute. Anyway, when it comes to pint-sized homicidal Lower Decks beings, Moopsy wins by a mile.
Moopsy versus my cats
Look at these cutie patooties!! Are they not the fuzziest little fuzz faces you’ve ever seen?? Instead of sucking bones, they like sucking churu out of my humble, beseeching hands. It’s almost unfair of me to compare Moopsy to Layla and Luna, the cutest cuties who ever cuted, but this list is meant to be exhaustive. Sorry, Moopsy, my kitties are way cuter than you, especially when they come to me for snuggles.
Moopsy versus every other cute thing that’s ever existed
I’m now realizing that there are a lot of cute things out there. Maybe I won’t get to every single cute thing in the whole of existence? Someone just walked by my window with a bulldog. The other day, I saw one of those “hang in there” posters featuring a kitten. Whenever I pick up cat food, I have to stop and look at the dwarf hamsters.
Eh, let’s call it a tie.
(featured image: Paramount+/CBS/Pusheen the Cat/The Pokemon Company)
