There have been some unique attempts at feeling the piercing embrace of Cupid’s arrow this year. We’ve tried futuristic space pods where people had to make connections based on, gasp, communication, and not the fact that all of them were attractive. We’ve tried offering gorgeous contestants large sums of money to NOT have sex which, for some reason, was a struggle?
But maybe we’ve been trying too hard. Maybe the answers been in front of us this whole time. On this dating app.
“Not today, Satan,” I hear you say, but guess what? Today is the day.
Is it really that much of a surprise that Lucifer’s out here looking for love? I’m rooting for him, honestly—after all, depending on who you ask my Black gay ass is gonna be in Hell when the curtain closes on my life so I want my Prince of Darkness to be happy. Still, finding someone who understands the inner complexities of the fallen angel is a tall order.
Does Satan need one of those space pods so he’s not judged on the immense height and horns? Naw, Match.com’s got this, besides, there’s plenty of monster f*ckers out there who’d be into the fiery overlord. Don’t go rushing to your phones to look for his profile, though. It’s already too late. The personification of 2020’s already been matched with Satan and the two are now out there living their best (and our worst) lives.
Love is blind. Love is patient. @maximumeffort @match pic.twitter.com/Ruy4wouFoM
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 3, 2020
So 2020’s a confirmed monster f*cker. Hell yeah (literally hell), get it, girl!
In a series of new ads for the dating app, we get to watch Satan (played by Ryan Reynolds, because of course, it’s Ryan Reynolds) doing what we’ve all been doing this year (minus the anxiety and panic): sitting around at home. Suddenly, his phone buzzes with a match, and boy, what a match it is.
Satan nervously waits under a bridge as a woman approaches him. I can’t blame him for being nervous. He might be biblically evil but he’s no 2020. “Two zero two zero,” he asks shyly, feeling like a nervous teen after centuries of hellish anarchy. The woman breathlessly tells him to call her 2020, lightning striking to emphasize her point.
Daaaaamn Satan, I think if you pass her a “check yes or no” note on whether or not she likes you, she’ll definitely check yes!
The two immediately connect since they’re both from the same place: Hell. This leads to a montage set to Taylor Swift’s re-recording of Love Story, and really, is there any other song that would fit the definitive OTP of the year?
Okay so while my new re-records are NOT done, my friend @VancityReynolds asked me if he could use a snippet of one for a LOLsome commercial he wrote so…here’s a sneak peak of Love Story! Working hard to get the music to you soon!! https://t.co/0vBFXxaRXR
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) December 2, 2020
Let me just say that 2020 knows how to treat a devil, after all, the empty football stadium, gym, and movie theater are her doing. Fellas, don’t be afraid of a take-charge woman, let her treat you to abandoned movie theaters, and shower you with toilet paper rolls. Satan is absolutely the little spoon in this scenario and he’s loving every minute of it.
On the flip side, ladies, if your man doesn’t wanna step inside a church because of the previous relationship he had with the high powers, don’t try and drag him up those stairs. Communication is key in any relationship. When Satan’s ready, he’ll let you know.
Maybe now that 2020’s found love she’ll settle down, after all, the tail end of the year has … improved? Question mark??? Regardless, Satan’s come into her life just in time for 2021 to make an entrance in a few weeks. Perhaps the new year will set their match filters to joy, happiness, toilet paper, and reason since Satan’s already taken.
Still, since there’s definitely a LOT of work to do to make up for 2020, 2021’s gonna need a partner who can embrace an epic amount of perseverance, determination, and self-care for those nights that are just too much to deal with. I hope Match.com is up for the task on that one.
The perfect Christmas card tbh.
Wishing you all the best Satan and 2020. See you in Hell.
(Image: Maximum Effort/Match.com/screengrab)
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