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Everything a Nerd Like You Needs To Know About ‘Picard’ Season 3, From Your School Bully

Pictured: Sir Patrick Stewart as Jean-Luc Picard of the the CBS All Access series STAR TREK: PICARD. Photo Cr: Trae Patton/CBS ©2019 CBS Interactive, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Listen up nerds, I have an announcement.

Word in the schoolyard is that Picard Season 3 is coming out, and I better not see any of you chuckleheads watching it. If I find out that you all have gone turbo space dork on me, you’re gonna get a pounding.

If you wanna watch something, go watch The Last of Us. It’s about zombies. And zombies are cool. It’s also got guns. Those are cool too. They also say the f-word a lot. And saying the f-word is the coolest thing of all. I say it all the time when my mom and dad aren’t home. Because I’m cool. Sure the show’s got nerdy science stuff about mushrooms, but you can just fast forward over it. Or you can watch the new season of Attack On Titan when it comes out. It’s a bunch of giant naked people wrestling. Kinda like the videos my older brother watches late at night. Except those people are regular sized and they seem like they really like wrestling. They say things like “don’t stop!” and “right there!” but I don’t get why they like it so much.

But whatever you watch, you BETTER not watch the new Picard show. That is, if you know what’s good for you.

When’s It Come Out?

Why would you wanna know that? It’s not like you’re gonna be watching it. The first episode comes out February 16th. And I only know that because I’m gonna put the hurt on ANYONE watching TV that day. Even if they’re NOT watching Picard. Because for all I know they could just change the channel when I leave. Better safe than sorry. And you’re gonna be sorry that day, because you won’t be safe from ME if I see you in front of the screen. I better not see you sitting in front of the TV the Thursday after that either. The show has new episodes every Thursday, so Thursdays are OFF LIMITS. FOREVER. Or at least until April 20th when the season ends.

Who’s Gonna Be In It?

Patrick Stewart, duh. He’s only the biggest nerd ever. So he’s playing Picard, the biggest nerd in the show. Also Michelle Hurd is still gonna play Raffi Musiker, and Jeri Ryan will be back as Seven of Nine. Alison Pill/Agnes Jurati, Santiago Cabrera/Cristobal Rios and Iso Briones/Soji won’t be back though. Probably because they were tired of getting bullied out of their lunch money. And because Season 3 is gonna go back in time so their characters aren’t gonna be there. How do I know that? Some nerd told me, after I beat it out of him. And because sometimes I watch the show to make fun of it. Only when there aren’t any nerds around for me to pound. It’s not because I like it or anything. If you think I like it I’m gonna pound you RIGHT NOW.

What’s The Story?

I mean, I guess I’ll tell you. But only because I think it’s so nerdy that it makes me laugh to talk about it. So apparently the step backward in time is gonna take us TWENTY YEARS into the past. That’s 9 years longer than I’ve been alive! That’s so long ago its almost back to the cast of Star Trek: Nemesis (which I totally haven’t watched). Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis are coming back as William T. Riker and Deanna Troi (but I don’t know who either of those people are). AND Michael Dorn is gonna come back as Worf, LeVar Burton as Geordi LaForge, and Wil Wheaton as Wesley Crusher. Gates McFadden is coming back too as Beverly Crusher and I’m so excited about it because – I MEAN – BECAUSE I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT POUNDING WHOEVER’S WATCHING IT.

Yeah that’s right, I’m gonna CLOBBER anyone who knows about how Soji is Data’s daughter from what happened in season one, and how after Romulus got pounded synthetic life basically became ILLEGAL. And I’m gonna totally WHALE on anyone who knows that Picard died while traveling between dimensions and now he has a ROBOT BODY. And I’m gonna NAIL any nerd who saw him face off against Q and the Borg Queen. And then I’m gonna PULVERIZE everybody who saw the part of the show where it went back to the 21st century and Picard came to terms with who he is. Who he is as a NERD I mean.

Is There A Trailer?

Yeah there’s a trailer! Wanna watch it together? I’ve seen it like 100 times. Because that’s how much I like to make fun of it I mean. Just click here.

Will There Be A Season 4?

No. And I’m really sad about it. It’s totally gonna be the final season. They said so. And I mean, I get. Patrick Stewart is really old and he’s probably tired of playing Picard. It’s also probably really hard for him. I mean my grandad can barely get up the stairs so I have no clue how Patrick Stewart can run an entire spaceship. A lot of the other actors are getting older too. I mean some of them have been doing this FOREVER. Like for way longer than I’ve even been alive. Plus there’s a lot of other Star Trek shows out there and they don’t wanna oversaturate the market. I think that’s a thing that happens to markets? My dad says stuff like that when he skips dinner to take one of his business calls. But that’s okay, because I know that he’s clobbering nerds at work while I’m doing it at school. Still, I wish he’d watch the show with me sometimes. I mean, just so we could maybe make fun of it together.

Hey um…

If you’re not doing anything on February 16th, would you wanna watch Picard with me? I won’t pound you, I promise. It’ll be more like we’re pounding the nerds by watching their favorite show and making fun it. I think it could be really fun, whaddaya say?

Rad! Okay I’ll see you then! I’ll make sure my mom buys us Hot Pockets at the grocery store!

Oh and by the way… if you tell anyone about this I’m gonna totally pound you.

(Photo Cr: Trae Patton/CBS ©2019 CBS Interactive, Inc. All Rights Reserved)

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