Has the Scottish Chieftain Duncan MacCoinnich returned from the wars against the English Crown to ravish me on our bearskin rug? Or perhaps Lord Ebbing Twint is simply unable to keep his hands off of me as we steal away from the dinner party in his country manor for a bit of hanky-panky in the drawing room? Or maybe Grayson Steele, former Navy Seal and proud owner of a private security firm, is going to ravish me one last time before taking a job that he’s not sure he’ll return from?
Those are all solid reasons as to why my bosom might be heaving harder than a seasick tourist over the side of a cruise ship, but none of them are the case. I am currently swooning and palpitating all across the land because Attack on Titan season 4, part 3 is coming and I EXPECT TO BE RAVISHED BY THE BEAUTIFUL ANIMATION AND GRITTY, EMOTIONAL STORY.
TAKE ME. I’M READY. ATTACK ON TITAN, I’M YOURS. YOU HAD ME AT “DO DEE DA DA BLEE BLAH THE JAEGER,” OR WHATEVER THE VOICES SAY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE ICONIC OPENING SEQUENCE TO SEASON 1.
OH MY GOD, WHEN IS IT COMING OUT? MY BOSOM CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Like a young romance protagonist wandering the moors, waiting for her beloved warrior husband to come home, so, too, have I been wandering across the floor of my bedroom, wondering when the warriors of Paradis will come to my home entertainment system. And I finally have an answer. According to the good people of IGN, the new season will premiere on March 3. THAT’S LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY?!
*HEAVES*
IN SIMPLY TWO MONTHS’ TIME I SHALL LAY MY EYES ON EREN’S WEIRD AND BONY GIANT FOUNDING TITAN FORM. HE (OR IT) IS NOT EXACTLY WHAT I DREAMED OF ENDING UP WITH AS A LITTLE GIR,L BUT I’M PUTTING AWAY MY CHILDISH DESIRES AND ALLOWING THE CREEPY FOUNDING TITAN TO MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF ME. HOW ELSE AM I TO END THE ROMANCE NOVEL OF MY LIFE?
But it looks like I WON’T actually be able to end my story in a single novel, as part 3 will be divided into two parts. IT’S A HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS SITUATION, Y’ALL. It was too big for one movie, so they made it into two. That’s exactly what the team behind Attack on Titan is doing with this new season. Hopefully, unlike the creator of The Deathly Hallows (she who must not be named), none of the people behind AoT are transphobic—or else my bosom is gonna start heaving in a bad way.
How many episodes are included in part 3? And how long should I allow my bosom to heave until I call the hospital?
Like the hot doctor in whichever hospital romance rag they’re hawking at the supermarket said: “I don’t know, but I won’t rest until I find out.” He’s going to try to come up with a cure for your bosomitis, and I’m going to try to come up with a cure for your “how many episodes” ignorance. I’m gonna make an educated guess here and say that each section of part 3 will have 12 episodes. At about 25 minutes a pop, that means that your bosom is gonna be heaving for hours on end. DEFINITELY time to call Dr. Hotbod so you don’t hyperventilate and die (or, at the very least, you can do it in his strong arms).
What is part 3 about? Will my wildest Levi-dreams come true?
Everybody knows that the ultimate romance novel is the one that you write for yourself. That’s why I have infested the darkest, dankest corners of AO3 with the filthiest, most raw, and vile Attack on Titan keywords imaginable. This season will be fucked-up, I’m sure, but it will never come close the sexy depravities that have crawled out of my mind to fester on the page.
At the end of part 2, we were faced with the biggest plot twist that Attack on Titan has EVER THROWN AT US. Using the power of the Attack Titan, Eren was able to gaze into the minds of its future inheritors and manipulate the actions of both friend and foe alike in order to bring about the Rumbling. What is the Rumbling? It’s not quite as intense as the Heaving that’s going in under my petticoat right now, but it’s pretty damn close. The Rumbling is a mass extinction event that can be triggered by the power of the Founding Titan. The Founding Titan is able to call a countless army of Colossal Titans to trample the world, thereby ending civilization (and perhaps beginning it anew).
As the inheritor of the Founding Titan’s power, Eren Jaeger has begun the Rumbling himself, summoning thousands of Colossal Titans to cross the sea and crush the country of Marley and the rest of the world underfoot. Just when you think that Attack on Titan couldn’t get any uglier … SURPRISE! It can … *shudders*. Things are looking mighty grim for humanity, but Eren’s former comrades are going to try to stop the worldwide genocide by any means necessary—even if it means turning against a beloved friend. Oh, my heart! It’s ready to burst from all of the emotions running riot beneath my corsetry!
Is there a trailer for Attack on Titan season 4, part 3? My bosom is ready!
YES. THERE IS. HERE IT IS.
Doesn’t that just send your fragile little ribcage into a frenzy! Oh, the drama! Oh, the death! Oh, the destruction! Oh, Eren Jaeger and his misguided pursuit of freedom! Those glorious 40 seconds made my bosom heave harder than it ever did in 20 years of marriage to my ex-husband! Why do you THINK I started reading all of these romance novels, huh? TO ESCAPE THE DOLDRUMS OF MODERN LIFE. TO FLY AWAY TO A WORLD OF PASSION AND DRAMA. TO FEEL AGAIN.
Oh, this trailer is making me feel, alright. It’s making me feel things that I thought had shriveled up and died long ago. I am alive again, and my bodice is currently in tatters after being torn apart by the furious undulations of my bosom. I’m ready. I’m alive. ATTACK ON TITAN, ATTACK ME.
(featured image: Crunchyroll)
