comScore Patented Screw-In Coffin | The Mary Sue

The Amazing Screw-In Coffin

The United States has issued a patent for the “Easy Inter Burial Chamber,” a device that can only be described as a screw-in coffin.

The patent description also mentions the device’s utility for the storage of things other than human remains, like water, food, or fuel; it can be sealed tight and buried discreetly in such a way that it is unlikely to be found by a person who does not know exactly where it is.

Well, sure, but this isn’t Fallout and nobody’s afraid of Y2K anymore, so what we’re looking at here, sir, is a drill-bit-shaped coffin.  Just wanted to get that straight. 

The Easy Inter Burial Chamber (so cheery!) can be made of plastic, cement, concrete, wood, clay, or metal.  Apparently, “A clear plastic Easy Inter Burial Container, where the body is additionally encased in clear resin and is standing erect for all to view during installation, creates a very impressive image.”

Impressive is not the word we would have chosen.

The Burial Chamber not only conserves valuable cemetery space, it provides easy access to the body.  For whole disinterment, the whole thing can be unscrewed from the ground, like a cork, and if you just need a quick DNA sample, the top comes unhatched, like a PEZ dispenser.

We imagine that the globe in the picture above might be replaced by a gravestone, in which case we feel that our PEZ dispenser simile is only strengthened.

The entire patent application can be found here.  Beware: legalese.

Oh, and if you don’t get the joke in the title, its not your fault.  The SciFi channel never optioned the show, but you can still watch the pilot.  It’s Mignola-riffic!

(Via Neatorama)

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Susana Polo thought she'd get her Creative Writing degree from Oberlin, work a crap job, and fake it until she made it into comics. Instead she stumbled into a great job: founding and running this very website (she's Editor at Large now, very fancy). She's spoken at events like Geek Girl Con, New York Comic Con, and Comic Book City Con, wants to get a Batwoman tattoo and write a graphic novel, and one of her canine teeth is in backwards.