Hell YES y’all, Cocaine Bear is coming out next week on February 24th! Hell. Yes. I’ve been waiting for this day, and after nursing yet another cold (curse you, Winter!), I need this kind of batshit insane silliness.
But maybe … maybe one coked-out animal isn’t enough. Maybe we need more. Why do you think people got so excited about the potential behind Cocaine Shark? Why do you think there are so many gimmick accounts of animals doing cockamamie shit? Animals are delightful all on their own, but sometimes, we gotta see animals being unhinged. We gotta see them off their rocker. We gotta see them “Do The Evolution,” as Pearl Jam once said (sort of).
These are the animals I nominate for the role, and yes, there is some bias with personal experience here. Don’t ask what you don’t wanna know.
Cocaine Horse: No Neighsaying
Listen. I love horses. I think they’re very cool and we should talk about it more. But here’s the thing: with this love also comes a fair degree of hate. I hate horses. They’re illogical and foul-mannered and they owe me money for the broken arm they gave me in 6th grade. Damn you horses. Thank god you don’t have access to cocaine.
But what if they did??? What if your local Murder Horse suddenly got into the good stuff? Imagine the pure havoc of a 1300-pound toddler high out of their mind. That horse would kick down doors, eat birds, and destroy traffic lights. Eventually, the horse would become this:
Designer Dogs … on COCAINE!!
My auntie once went on a rant against goldendoodles, saying they were big, stupid, floppy, overly congenial disgraces to dogdom. I generally am lukewarm on designer dogs, finding much of her assessment to be correct and considering them to be a very slight display of classism … yet also loving how cute they are, with their big dumb eyes and vaguely human eccentricities.
So, imagine all of that … but on a bender. These dogs are bendy and smart, they’ll figure out how to open your doors and get into all your peanut butter jobs. These dogs will have nonstop zoomies, it’ll be Zoomie City. Whereas they once walked the streets of gentrified neighborhoods, these designer dogs will suddenly fight the good fight against gentrification by tipping over trash cans and climbing windows to get a load of your pot roast.
Squirrelcaine
I mean, this should hopefully be self-explanatory. Over the Hedge already covered this possibility years ago:
Kokaine Kats
Sticking with the household pets angle, I feel like cats are an obvious choice here—almost too obvious. I almost didn’t include them, because it certainly feels too obvious, doesn’t it? Yet all the same, we get a great societal kick out of seeing our cats on catnip. Now imagine that amplified by, like, 1000 plus a few adrenaline rushes, and you’ve got yourself a coked-out kitty.
Of course, with this comes the typical annoyances of having a cat, but made even worse. Getting woken up at 3am for no real reason other than, “Meow?” Well, now that cat’s gonna be smacking the shit out of you on top of it. I feel like cats on cocaine would probably end up going full Puss In Boots and abandoning their peaceful domesticity for a chaotic life on the road. Who needs nine lives when you’ve got blow?
Horses Again
Ultimately there are so many animals that would work well within the Cocaine Bear universe, but I really need to stress that horses are a natural pick here. The sheer chaos that’s packed into a single horse leaves multitudes of narrative potential to work with. Skimping out on that potential is just lazy, Hollywood. Make it happen.
Plus, I mean, it’s not like we haven’t seen Cocaine Horse before—I mean, hello, Bojack Horseman?
Now, if none of these critters are in your coke wheelhouse, let us know what spinoff you’d personally like to see. And please, don’t hold back. Let’s get creative here people.
(Featured Image: Netflix)
