In life, you will undoubtedly make bad decisions, which come in all shapes and sizes. Low-level bad decisions, like maybe getting bangs when you shouldn’t have, and high-level epically bad decisions, like (allegedly) getting high, taking off all your clothes, and streaking at Disneyland.
We are not here today to debate whether or not you should get bangs (although I choose chaos, always, and think you should). No, friends, we are here today because someone decided to get altered on a substance and streak naked through the “It’s a Small World” attraction at Disneyland. It went exactly how you think it would.
A Disneyland park guest in Anaheim, California was arrested and escorted off the property by local authorities after stripping off their clothes during the It’s A Small World attraction.
The incident happened on Sunday afternoon during the busy Thanksgiving holiday weekend. A Disneyland Resort representative told Deadline that the guest got off the ride while it was in motion and the attraction was stopped when park operators were made aware of the situation.
According to Page Six, which always gets the salacious details, the individual was arrested for indecent exposure and being under the influence of a controlled substance. There it is.
A day, and what I’m positive is an immense hangover (or comedown) later, I’m sure this man is now starting to face the stark reality of what he did. In short, he played himself.
Now, I’m not one to kick someone when they’re down and facing some serious repercussions for acting like a complete idiot. However, I would like to address this man, and try to understand some things:
Dear Dude (I assume based on your actions, that “Sir” is far too formal of a solicitation for you and your general vibe),
I reach out to you today, in what I’m sure is not your best day, to understand why. Why you did the thing you did, and whether or not you fully understand the implications. No, I’m not going to detail how if you’re found guilty, you could be required to register as a sex offender, or how wildly inappropriate your actions were. I am going to make an assumption that your lawyer, friends, and people you randomly encounter on the street are going to do that for me.
What I would like to hone in on today is why did you decide to reportedly get under the influence on one of the most crowded days of the year at Disneyland, and take off all your clothes at “It’s a Small World” specifically.
Firstly. My dude, I’ve been to Disneyland on a crowded day. It’s utterly miserable. I’m not afraid to admit I’ve done it under the influence, too. (Those tiki drinks at the Disneyland Hotel pack a punch.) Hell, I’ve even gotten on a ride in that state (the spinning teacups; again, agent of chaos). What I haven’t done is felt the need to take off my clothes and go into areas of the park I’m not supposed to.
Now, I don’t think of that in any terms of moral superiority. Again, my job is not to scold, here. The American penal system is going to do that job for all of us. I do, however, think it’s a massive waste of money to pull what you pulled. Let’s focus on that aspect, first: Disneyland tickets are surge priced. I can’t see from the official site how much you paid over the weekend, but looking ahead, I do not see a weekend single park ticket for less than $184. Add $65 to that base for a park hopper ticket.
Now, again, this will probably be the least of your financial concerns here, but yikes! That’s a lot of money to waste only to get arrested on “It’s a Small World.”
Additionally, there are ample pictures of your incident online. I want to hone in on the fact you were arrested during daylight hours. Sunset is at approximately 4:45 right now in Anaheim. This means that not only did you waste your ticket, you didn’t even get a good amount of park time in. What the hell? In this economy? Did you in your altered state believe that money, did in fact, grow on trees? If you’re going to do something criminal that will assuredly get you banned for life from all Disney parks, you should at least try to time your dumba** antics towards the end of the day.
I am speaking to you as someone who once lived in Southern California, and held an annual pass to Disneyland specifically. So I feel like I am a subject matter expert here when I say: “Small World”? Seriously?!
I don’t feel like it’s ever a good idea to get out of any ride, mainly because I was a carny and know how easily someone can lose a finger on those things. However, “Small World” in particular is just. Why? That water is undoubtedly dirty. As one of the older attractions, I’m sure it’s far more delicate if you broke anything (just put it on your increasing tab, I suppose) and that song, while charming, is also incredibly grating. Do you simply not like yourself to have put yourself through that experience?
From a purely practical standpoint, it’s also towards one of the ends of the park, which meant your perp walk was undoubtedly more shameful and public-facing. You didn’t even pull this at Disney World, which has the subterranean tunnel system to be quickly ferreted to. No. You chose the park, and location, for maximum humiliation. Again, why?
Now, as someone who has gotten a little drunk and bought an embarrassing amount of haunted dolls off of ebay, I’m savvy enough to know that the altered mind can be a mystery to its sober inhabitant. Perhaps those animatronic dolls were a siren song to you, and you merely followed it to your doom. If you ever come up with a suitable answer, please let me know. I’m too curious.
Finally, out of all the theme park companies to pull this one, you had to choose the worst one. I imagine this would have been a typical Sunday at a Six Flags location. Universal Studios also, probably, would have banned you for life from their premises, but they’re not as entrenched in modern day society as Disney is. No, you picked a fight with the sleeping giant. The company that just bought out Hulu. Does your inevitable ban extend to all Disney intellectual properties? Does this mean you can no longer use Hulu, or go to a Marvel movie? If you go to McDonalds and get a Disney-themed Happy Meal, will one of Bob Iger’s minions appear out of nowhere and slap it out of your hands?
These are all possibilities you must examine now that you’ve made an enemy out of the House of Mouse.
I do not envy the position you’re in, now, my guy. I imagine you have a literal headache today, as well as myriad of legal ones. However, if you ever determine the why of this particular incident, please let me know. I can’t imagine it was worth it to you, but then again, I also can’t imagine myself streaking through “It’s a Small World” so what do I know?
(Photo by AaronP/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images, Paramount Pictures, TMS)
