We Are Officially a Mer-Ken Stan Account

Nothing but respect for aquatic himbos
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Every now and then a company comes along and makes a poll that asks consumers to weigh in on an upcoming product. Mattel has washed ashore with a showdown between two aquatic beauties, and while I’d be fine with either cuz bisexuals stay winning, I am obligated as a himbo enthusiast to agree with writer/editor Andrew Wheeler here.

Aquatic himbo alert!

First of all, let me go on record saying that it’s cruel to make us choose because both mer-dolls look great. But since Mattel has decided to add to 2020’s insidious nature, we gotta pick, and Wheeler’s right: the world NEEDS, nay, DESERVES Harness Himbo AquaKen (I DARE Mattel to call him this on the packaging).

The straps crossing those plastic pecs, the perfectly pink hue of that tail, the hair that shines bright like a pearl nestled inside the protective embrace of an oyster.

Besides, we’ve had so many Mer-Barbies, we could use some more Mer-Kens!

That’s not to say this is the first, no, that would be disrespectful to the dolls that came before him.

This is also a fabulous himbo fish man.

Now see, I dig this look, the mix of colors in the fin, the star bits, and the simple, but fashionable necklace my guy is wearing. The hair is more sensible for underwater adventures, but the new Mer-Ken’s hair is a lot more fun.

New Mer-Ken is the guy who combs his hair Marcia Brady style, counting the brush strokes (or fork strokes if he takes a page from Disney princess vet Ariel) and challenging the other mermen to see who can swim the fastest. He doesn’t believe in tying his hair back, even if he should, though maybe a cute merfriends to lovers guy teaches him the benefits of using strips of seaweed like scrunchies.

I mean I guess I could ship him with regular ol’ human Ken, but I dunno if our himbo fish-man would wanna go through such lengths to be where the people are. He seems content in the water, you know? It’s too troublesome to try and walk with, ugh, legs. And human men wear shirts? PFFT! Hard pass.

All that being said, in my dream of having two Mer-Ken dolls to display in dramatic lounging in the water with my arm draped across my brow poses, there are variants to the design because I want more fin color options, multiple harnesses, and, well, a Black doll.


Give me a Black Mer-Ken. In a brightly colored tail and dope harness. Right now. Like, did you see the concept sketches? Actually… can you just release all of those as dolls? I get if you wanna release a particular first but just go down the line, okay? No need to limit us like this give the people what they want you teases!

Though, technically, you do have to be a Barbie Signature Platinum or Gold member to even buy the doll. Eternal pout. Is that a road I wanna venture down? Do I need more things to collect? Do the water-type himbos need my support that much?

Who would you cast your vote for in Mattel’s poll? You can check it out right here and make your decision.

(Image: Mattel)

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Briana Lawrence
Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)