Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg Saw Elon Musk Ruining Twitter and Said ‘Hold My Beer’

I'm holding it bro!

Bro, Marky Mark is the GOAT.

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Listen, I’ve been in the Silicon Valley for about 10 days now after graduating from Stanford, so I’m pretty sure that I know what I’m talking about when I say that Mark is a genius. Don’t listen to the haters on the internet, EVERYONE is hyped for Meta. I mean it’s called META. That’s so meta, bro, I can’t even. Above and beyond. Killing the game. Big baller moves. And the biggest and ballerest moves of all is that Zuckasaurus is gonna do what Elon Musk did and make a subscription based verification service for IG and FB.

How clutch is that?

Sound like a bad idea, bro? I swear it’s not

I know what you’re thinking. It was a disaster when Lonny boy did it. Randos stole famous people’s identities. One person even managed to tank Big Pharma stock after announcing that insulin would now be free. But it’s NOT gonna be like that bro. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. That’s what my dad always tells me, and those are words I live by. Did I give up when my application for Stanford was rejected because of my 1.6 GPA? HELL NO. I knuckled up and asked my dad for help. And do you know what he did? He donated a new science wing to the school so I got in FOR FREE. All because of my DETERMINATION and REFUSAL TO GIVE IN.

And that’s exactly what Birth Mark is doing my guy. His INTUITION tells him that Elon has a GOOD IDEA, but the EXECUTION of that idea failed. Get it? Good, cause I’m still a little confused. But BASICALLY this is what know …

So according to this Hollywood Reporter article that I stumbled across while looking for porn, Meta is launching something called “Meta Verified,” which is a subscription service for IG and Facebook that will allow users to verify their accounts with a government ID. I have like 10 passports at least, so I’m good. Mark is gonna test the service out in New Zealand and Australia, and the service will allow users to have “increased visibility and reach” as well as “direct access to customer support.”

And that is GENIUS.

The Zuckanator really figured out a way to make people PAY for something that SHOULD BE FREE. IT’S A GOD-TIER BUSINESS MOVE MAN. EVERYONE needs customer support for when things go wrong, because things go wrong ALL THE TIME. But instead of it being the company’s fault, now it’s the PEOPLE’S FAULT. Oh your IG short circuited? Should have paid for customer support, my guy. The thing that was once a given is now a luxury for people who can afford it. And now all Zuck has to do is pull a play right out of the Apple playbook and purposefully implant bugs in the software so people are FORCED to sign up for the subscription. HE’S GONNA HAVE MORE MONEY THAN GOD, MAN. MORE MONEY THAN THE WHOLE GREEK PANTHEON. MORE MONEY THAN AN OMNIPOTENT MONOTHEISTIC DEITY THAT CAN CREATE MONEY AT WILL.

GOOOOOOOAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!

Instagram and Facebook are gonna be $11.99 a month on the web and $14.99 on iOS and Android, because OF COURSE it’s more expensive on smartphones. THAT’S WHERE EVERYONE USES THESE APPS IN THE FIRST PLACE. And the best part? The subscription will also offer “prioritization in other people’s comments.” What does that mean? It means that whenever I comment a peach emoji on a fitness model’s photo it means that SHE’S GONNA SEE MY PEACH EMOJI COMMENT FIRST. BEFORE SHE SEES ANYONE ELSE’S. THIS IS GONNA LEVEL UP MY IG GAME SO HARD, BRO.

Some people think that this is gonna be some kind of “watershed moment” where millennials and gen Z people are gonna flee from social media platforms and return to the way things used to be. But I don’t think so, bro. I mean, why would you try to store water in a shed? It’s just gonna leak out the bottom? I mean, I guess you could put it in cups or jars or something, but you’re gonna need a lot of lids for those and that just doesn’t seem like a smart investment. What’s the ROI for lids? I gotta get someone to look it up.

(featured image: Drew Angerer, Getty Images)


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Author
Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.