Survey Says Left Handed People Claim To Be Ridiculously More Satisfied In Bed Than Right Handed People
Give each other high fives, guys. But wash your hands first.
A new survey says that left-handed people have bested their dexterity disadvantage in at least one area: the bedroom. Lefties are reportedly 71% more sexually satisfied than the average right-handed lover. Cue the stereotypical “Awoooogah!” noise.
The dubiously accurate findings were compiled by intimate-product company LELO as part of their 2014 Global Sex Survey, which polled 10,000 consumers about their sex life. 86% of the lefties included reported to be “extremely satisfied” with their sex life, compared to a mere 15% of right handed people. CBS News reports that approximately 10% of the world’s population is left handed, and News.com reminded readers that Angelina Jolie and Mark Wahlberg are among them. So, you know.There you go.
LELO has some theories about why lefties report to be so dynamite in the sack, although of course the entire survey and the company’s accompanying hypotheses should be taken with an anal-bead sized grain of salt. Explains the “luxury” intimate product company, it’s
because left-handers receive pleasure from the right-side of the brain, which is responsible for more artistic, creative and sensual thinking. Right-handers, on the other hand, experience pleasure through the linear, analytical and logical left side of the brain.
If you’re feeling inadequate right now, righties, don’t worry. LELO has created DEXTRÜS, a new sex toy designed specifically so that we can have the same explosive orgasms as left-handed sex wizards.
CBS reports that the marital aid is “shaped like a stress ball and used in a similar fashion”, which is confusing because then I have been using stress balls all wrong. When a righty squeezes the ball it sends tremors up their left arm, reportedly stimulating the right side of the brain. LELO says DEXTRÜS will help righties “access a left-handers’ state of mind,” leading, I guess, to imminent sexual bliss.
Honestly, I’m still surprised that 86% of any group polled claimed to be extremely satisfied. Extremely satisfied?! How dare. Hey smug post-coitus poll takers: didn’t you get the memo about how we’re all repressed?
Moral of the story: next time you get a potential partner to sign your sex release form, CHECK WHAT HAND THEY USE. And if they’re ambidextrous? Guys, I don’t even know.